song of the moment

i'm feeling very very nostaligic these days...reason unknown...but, in the past few months, i've been listening more to a shitload of tunes from the 60's, 70's & 80's.

this music, even after all these years, has a profound effect on me....
almost all of the songs bring emotions out in me that i'd rather keep hidden from the world...from myself...
those closest to me know....

love
scares me now
love
is not, yet, what i seek in others

but

it's the songs of love that bring the most intense emotions from my pores and....

no other tune brings me to my knees with more intense emotions than this oldie from Gladys Knight...of course, we need to bring a certain word up to date here...strikeout the "boy" and replace with...mmm, yum, a "girl" ;-)





lyrics:

Ooh...ooh...

The moon above is shining bright
Come on, “girl” the time is right
Here I am (Here I am)
Take me in your arms and just love me, ooh

There’s a mist of ecstasy
That’s flowing over me
Here I am (Here I am)
Take me in your arms and love me, oh, baby

My love is new, my love is sweet
Now’s the time that I’ll be sweet
Hold me, “girl”, don’t hesitate
I need you now, don’t make me wait

You’re the one that I adore
Tell me what are you waiting for
Here I am (Here I am)
Take me in your arms and love me, ooh

“Girl”, I’m hungry for your love
Give me what I’m in need of
Here I am (Here I am)
Take me in your arms and love me

Oh, baby, come lets share the joy and splendor
Of this night warm and tender
Hold me tight, kiss me long
Make this night one sweet song

(Love me, love me) Ooh, sugar

My eager heart is pounding fast
Don’t lose the feeling, make it last
Here I am (Here I am)
Take me in your arms and love me

Oh, baby, take me higher with the touch
That thrills me darling, oh, so much
Here I am (Here I am)
Take me in your arms and love me, baby, baby

This feeling is too strong and hard
Any second now Ill explode
Nows the time, nows the time
Take all of this love of mine
Love me, love me, love me, love me, come on and love me

Ill be true to you
Do what you want me to
Take me in your arms, take me in your arms and love me, oh, baby
Ill be true to you
And do what you want me to
Take me in your arms, take me in your arms and love me, baby, baby, baby

Ill be true to you
And do what you want me to

P.R.I.D.E. NOT a political statement

so, here i am, shooting my mouth off the other day when i blogged about how great my workplace was, how supportive staff were blah blah blah...fuck

i was asked today to take the P.R.I.D.E. decorations down that i had so lovingly and proudly displayed around my workstation the past almost 2 weeks

by management....not my own manager...but her's

and

the legal department did their own little fucking bullshit which i'll get to in a moment....

so, sadly, down came....

the PRIDE flag my friend T brought me back from Winners
my "CAN'T STOP, WON'T STOP" poster i mirrored from PRIDE Toronto's website
the P.R.I.D.E. acronym proudly displayed with accompanying words to suit
i was even able to find hilighters with ALL the P.R.I.D.E. colours to colour everything with

the reason?
well, our so-intelligent dept decided to hire an evangelically based 'person' who, without getting too detailed to cover my ass, is involved with work that deals with many many many gay folk for specific reasons....sorry, that's all i can say

anyhow, there was a freakin' uproar amongst all us gays at work when 'person' was hired on....so, apaprently, their keeping a close eye

BUT

to keep things 'neutral' in the office, so i was told, we are not allowed to put up any posters, decorations, etc etc that "could" be construed as political

AND

they, apparently, wanted to minimize any possible opening for this 'person' to start displaying their own stuff around their work area.

a resounding

WHAT THE FUCK?????

ok, i don't know about you all, but since when is celebrating and decorating for P.R.I.D.E. a fucking political event???????

and, as expected, my manager fought tooth and nail to try and get these assholes to understand that ALL of Toronto is celebrating P.R.I.D.E., ALL employees like to celebrate P.R.I.D.E.
it's a fucking human right to be allowed to celebrate
she went on to explain that it's no different than celebrating Christmas, Jewish holidays, Easter, Cabana, Mardi Gras....but to no avail

these assholes have fucking blinders on so tight, i swear the shit is going to start coming out of their eyes.

so, to further add insult to injury, i am ALSO no longer allowed to have my work pass flipped to the side where, remember, my IT Systems guy colour-printed my Lesbian Symbol PRIDE flag?




yeah, apparently, i was seen in the elevator by one of the legal losers who had a little brain red flagging occur that "it COULD be viewed as a political statement"

again

WHAT THE FUCK??????

sure, i could make a real stink about it....i could stand up for my humanity given human rights and trample on them all

but

1. as vocal as i am, i DO NOT like the limelight, ever, placed on me or being centered out
2. i'm in a position in that department where i am very well known, respected for my skills, knowledge, and all that shit....and, up to now, have been completely respected for who i am, the person i am - i cannot afford to lose my positive reputation and edge with upper management
3. if i fight this thing, do i want to make the work environment negative for the rest of the gays working there??

yet, for some reason, the more i think about it, the angrier i am getting

all this because they were stupid enough to hire some freakin' bible-thumping, evangelical homophobe.

this shit really needs to STOP!

fuck, i love my therapist....

to my Judy who knows me like no other

i thank you, endlessly, for getting me through soooo muuuccchh shit in the time we've known each other.

honestly, you are a God-send if there ever was one.

and a real trooper...i remember when i first came to see you for sessions.

you, battling your own hell at that time...recovering from cancer. still taking time for me right after your chemo sesssions, even when i urged you to reschedule me....holy shit. how selfless is that??

you, dear dear sweet lady, have, again, as umpteen times before, pumped new life into me.
you have, again, given me the greatest advice in how to deal with the shit in my life.
you, again, have lifted me up, taken me into your arms, literally with your kind, supportive, intelligent words and physically with your caring arms when you give me both a greeting hug and a parting hug.

you, with that ever-smiling lovely face that beams at me with encouragement, hope and the sincerest care and love i've ever seen from any human.

my thanks to you is endless.
thank you for turning what was a shitty day into a really great ending of the day.
thank you for believing in Angel Cards too and laying them out today...yes, Archangel Raphael is my constant in all my readings.
know, always, that you are genuinely respected and loved.

oh my...those soft, white shoulders

i want to lick soooooo bad.

you, sweet little young thing with red hair pinned up to reveal your sexy neckline.

you, tasty little morsel sit down right in front of me where i then see the creaminess of those oh-so-soft-supple shoulders.

i, can hardly contain myself.

the urge to lick and kiss that neck, those shoulders, those little ears, is so strong, i feel my panties getting damp.

thank you for a pleasant ride home you sweet, sweet girl.

mmmmm.

I HATE MY CURVES!

ok, it's fucking official now....i really really hate my body and all the curves that come with it!

it's been a detriment in my lesbian journey! how much louder do i need to scream:

I AM NOT A TOTAL FEMME!

I AM NOT A GIRLY-GIRL!

i can't make myself any more butch unless i get some fucking surgery and remove my tits, straighten out my waistline and cut off all my blonde curlies (on my head, you pervs) down to almost bald!

AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! and i don't mean a pirate yell! i'm just so pissed.

what's prompted this tirade of self-abuse?

friends have.

and the last straw was one of my cute and sexy-with-a-booty-to-die-for milk-chocolate chickies who i haven't seen in a while.

we, walking to the subway together, chatting, catching up....she tells me "girl, you can never be butch with curves and hair like that, no matter how hard you try".

i know she didn't mean it as an insult but, fuck, i'm tired of this battle.

i DON'T walk like a femme
i DON'T act like a femme
i DON'T talk like a femme (except that i have a soft, apparently soothing, voice - can i post rolly eyes here??)
i DON'T dress like a femme

the fact that everyone tells me how femme i look pushes me deeper into self-doubt, self-hatred. i've worked so fucking hard at being me but i shouldn't HAVE to work at it....but i feel i HAVE to because of public opinion and that just fucking sucks ass



apparently (as per an earlier blog) there's a word for us inbetweeners * F U T C H*! (thanks Dani)

i feel like screaming some more but

i'll just say

fuck it
i give up

shitty day

(this blog totally just a purging of my shitty morning – have a drink and a joint for me if you’re going to read it)

it’s 10:06 a.m.
i’m sitting at my desk
at work

i feel overwhelmed right now

as more bad, shocking news propels my way, including the loss of my boss...well, for several months anyhow as she's off to another assignment....good news for her....bad/sad news for me...we're so close...we work so well as a team, her and i...same thought process, same detail-oriented, same organiziational skills, etc etc...fuck, we're awesome together! guess they'll all be relying on me when she goes since i'm the co-pilot of our whole team.

and on top of all that and other shit, let's just throw a potential fucking cold sore on it all, shall we?!? yup, that's what happens when i'm overstressed.

f u c k.

the tally of items on my already overflowing plate now being 8?

the smile i had earlier in the week quickly fading

so overwhelmed my eyes are tearing up


and i fucking hate that at work.
i hate that anytime.

because i’m not a whimp

i find myself juggling a whole shlew(?) of shit these days again which i’ll refrain from boring anyone with.

now, that’s a first…me not detailing all the shit :-)

it’s not that all of it is really bad shit……actually, only 1 of them is really difficult and worrisome yet not much i can do about it anyhow

but
they all add up quickly when they come at you one after the other and you haven’t even had time to catch your breath and deal with any of them.

fuck, it’s ironic that this stupid poppy kind-of-religious tune is playing right at the very moment that i’m battling my emotions and all the stuff that’s causing them to overflow.
stupid lyrics….
“Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air“I know I can count on you“Sometimes I feel like saying, "Lord, I just don't care"“But you've got the love I need to see me through….”

well, it’s all bullshit to me anyhow.
my constant, continuous battle with karma, the universe and the supposed existing “spirit” that gets us through everything.

fuck.
off.

yeah……that glory only happens for a privileged few.

proof? look how fucked up humanity and the world is.

a loud raucous HAHAHAHAHA……as i am rudely reminded a spiritual privilege never extended to me since conception of my lovely self.

(although i seriously still believe that i do have a cute little group of angels that does keep my ass in line…busy little ones, i tell ya)

of course I’m not trying to bash any spiritual folk out there…this has just been my own personal experience and battle.

i remain convicted in my statement: i have a permanent slot on God’s shit list.

avoiding the self-pity pool ‘cause that’s getting real fucking old, i often wonder, however, why, in my life (or others), negative shit that happens to us or our families literally dumps on you in droves like a monsoon of shit.

so you can barely breathe.

can’t these things be spaced out a little more evenly???

and, here’s another first…..

i’m actually not freaking out.
AND it’s PMS time.
i’m breathing through it.
staying calm.

and thinking…..

we’ll get through it…we always do.

thanks for listening ;-)

HAPPY P.R.I.D.E.

"fitshaced"

feeling the need for some laughter tonight, i'm so happy i ended up watching Better Off Ted (Season 1, episode 8 - which is unavailable or just not viewable to us Canadians on those stupid U.S. network sites)...it was one of the most hilarious episodes i'd watched yet...in tonights episode, Veronica and Linda get hammered together. Linda is beyond drunk and asks Veronica why she's not shitfaced yet but it comes out as 'fitshaced'...ok, you had to watch it to laugh at it but it really was hilarious

for those of you who don't know this sitcom, it's a hilarious spoof starring Jay Harrington and the the very delicious and sexy wife of Ellen - yup, none other than lovely Portia ...oh yum yum.

abc.com gives you a glimpse of some previous episodes (but not episode 8) in between some disgusting toe-jam commercials - sorry...yuck.

energy...

where(??) is all this - very hot - energy coming from so suddenly? it’s like i’m a different person….as if i’ve been pumped full of high potency energy supplements or some kind of female viagara LOL. no way i’m complaining. i’ll enjoy it while it lasts…but, shit, it better last through to the end of this coming weekend! gotta finish P.R.I.D.E. with a bang…oops, wrong choice of words

or not ;-)

‘cause who knows what mischievous deeds i’ll get into if all the karmatic energies play out in my favour for a change and with so many hot lovelies abound? omg.

although, in all honesty, i am not a one-nighter. never have been. well, ok, once ….in my teens…and that was only because i thought it was a way of getting back at someone who dumped my ass. but it went very wrong and ended up being one of the worst sexual experiences i’d ever had. i’m cringing at the mere memory of it.

yet, still….there are often times, especially as time is ticking away faster with each passing year and 50 is peeking around the corner at me, i crave that one night experience….maybe just once more….before i really AM too old.

as i sit here this morning playing my fav cd of late, there’s one track that is like an overdose of aphrodisiac for me. it’s one among many other songs that induce such naughty fantasies it’s actually overwhelming (not such a good idea while i’m at work). it’s not even the lyrics but the beat and the darkness of the song itself that throws me into total sexual oblivion. sounds fucked up, eh? lol

not really though…my personal aphrodisiacs have always been body scents and music. these two additions can up the enhancement of the experience, at least for me, to a new level. (ok, throwing in some smooth green leafy stuff is always good too).

sadly, i’ve not, often enough, been accommodated with these from past lovers, no matter how blatantly i’ve hinted. yet i’ve always gone to great lengths to ensure that i’m a source of sexual delight for them in whatever capacity that may need to be.

which then concedes me to believe that most lovers are very selfish, no? well, maybe it’s time for me to be selfish too. yeah, right…like that’ll ever happen.

so, how did we get to this discussion?? hmmm,

1. seems that the ticking clock syndrome has hit me as far as sex is concerned and i’m worried
i’m going to miss out
2. encroaching menopause, fully on its way with its own set of additional worries of
physical/hormonal changes
3. and….fantasies of raw sexual craziness are imploding my every waking moment these days

and the fact that i seem to just want to ramble about shit on my mind so i can move past the past and enlighten a hopefully better future

but isn’t that what a blog is for?

and the flirting continues.....

i, putting words into your mouth
all in splendid fun
;-)
yeah, that's right...i'm a naughty tease

a 'lick-my-luscious-lips' moment....

i
stepping off the streetcar
see

you
walking towards
me

i
see your beautiful
eyes
look at me
for a long time

you
sweet, innocent,
gorgeous

i
give you my best
sexy "i want you"
smile

you
return the look
back to me

oh, how i just want to
follow
you

have my way
with
you

like a drink of
chocolate
milk

i
love
chocolate
milk

;-)

"because we're friends...."

(and she's probably going to kill me for this lol)

“Because we’re friends…”

her personal journal entry of last year she shared with me yesterday while we were both ‘recovering’ from a sleepless night after taking in some minor P.R.I.D.E. celebrations Sat night.....the sleeplessness not coming from partying too much but from staying up and talking about a 'new level (?)' of our friendship.

yeah, btw…. W T F is up with our local lesbian bar these days????? freakin’ hetero couples practically doing each other on the damn floor in a gay bar??? of course we don’t want to bar specific genders/orientation from attending because all are always welcome but, fuck, come on…enough is enough with the slobbering over each other in who can suck out whose tongue first and chicks rubbing dude’s peens - all in front of those of us who don’t really care to see that sickatating dude-on-chick crap….i haven’t seen a good lesbian night there in months. ok, enough of that shit…blog on that another time.

so….was i surprised about her journal writing? hmm, yes and no. we’ve been ‘dancing’ around each other for “13 months, 1 week, ? days, ? hours, ? seconds” according to her time keeping. really? lol

but she shared her personal observations and ‘ideas’ with me in the context of keeping our friendship solidified because, as we both have made VERY clear, neither of us wants anything LT or committed with anyone right now.

we met over 2 yrs ago online and became online budds quickly. our personal lives, even to this day, always seem to be parallel with each other which made for a great supportive friendship..and, yes, no lie, a hint of shared sexual attraction too.

but…we were protected from each other...both of us in a safe zone, so to speak.

she still involved, trying to break free…i, still involved, thinking about breaking free...we both had a tight noose around our necks with our respective partners and we both found ourselves struggling at the same time...that connection, initially, which solidified a friendship

she moved clear across the country shortly after we met and before we had a chance to meet up locally. another hellish life for her started over there while my own personal hell just continued on.

a first-ever-to-meet visit from her last year spring was good medicine for both of us. in short, we had an amazing time together.

and then i got scared…..sh*tless.

and i got mean.
and i got vicious.
and i pushed her away.
rudely.

turmoil from my ongoing relationship at that time, turmoil in my residential environment, turmoil still continuing to a forced connection to someone due to kids being involved…just a total *clusterfuck* on my plate.
and….everyone was coming to me with their personal stuff.

it was too much.

add her feelings towards me on top of that and...

yeah, it didn't really make me shine my best side>

so with this latest move in April, i ended things with the gf and shut everyone out…including her.

once i could breathe again.
feel human again.
feel less stressed…
i allowed certain individuals back into my life…including her.

and now we’re both single. no ties, no commitments to anyone and
oh boy...danger ;-)

so now she’s shared this with me. by no means am i complaining…i’m glad she did. yet, it’s certainly added more ‘spice’ to our friendship, increased the flirtatious comments and pushed us just a little closer to that ‘edge’ of no going back once you plunge into the physical realm of friends-with-benefits.

my brain’s been in overload ever since. my brain, the intelligent organ, screams a loud and cursory “no fucking way should this happen…too much at stake!”
while my ‘other’ parts, the selfish organ(s), scream a loud and cursory “fuck, yeah girl! go for it ‘cause ya know it’s going to be one hot & crazy wild night.”

and then what?
it could go either of two ways. and….
sometimes these things work well and everyone continues like before. and…
sometimes these things do not work well, intense emotions come into play, potential for jealousy, potential for achy hearts, friendship wiped out.

for now, we continue as we are ‘cause it’s a very good, very fun friendship (a cute little piece i found on another blog site).

so, girl....best out of 3 on the ‘beaver’ coin, eh? well, one spin so far did not stop on the ‘beaver’…you lose....two more rolls to go
;-)

*clusterfuck....my favourite word recently…it joins the juicy list of:
cunt
mother-fucker
fuck

yeah, i'm a dirty girl ;-)

goodbi....

so, the kick off to P.R.I.D.E. starts tonight
and so shall my life
again
:-)

great co-workers

ha! :-)
this week's been a smidgen better at work than usual...i'm fairly lucky in my workplace - i have an amazing boss, a great team and some crazy-ass-but-great colleagues although i find it hilarious that i'm the "token" lesbian out of 300+ employees

regardless, when i finally did come out a few years back, the volume of warmth and support towards me has been no less than phenominal to say the least....i'm sure there's those that have issues with my being so vocal and proud of my confident lesbianism but, and i'm sure of this, they know not to make their opinions known...at least not to my face 'cause they also know they don't want to deal with my wrath when i'm not happy with someone's fucked up opinion....no, i'm not a freakin' ogre or anything but my blunt say-it-like-it-is demeanor with a firey vulgar-mouthed temper when i'm really pissed is well known despite the majority knowing what a sweetheart i really am ;-)

i won't hesitate telling someone off, in my quiet don't-fuck-with-me style, if they act like a jerk or their opinions are insulting and demeaning to others...yup, that's me...always standing up for the underpuss

i figure i can get away with it as long as i'm discrete because i know that the majority of management...or at least the important ones in management....love me

so, those who don't necessarily agree with 'me', know better to stay the fuck out of my way - lol......the rumour mill hasn't, yet, brought any negative feedback in several years so i'm figuring all is good

oh sure, the place is flocking with the boy queens but i'm the only female gay that's outspoken about it...of course, many of us have our 'suspicions' of other chicks who might be but none of them are 'out and proud' like me ;-)

so, with P.R.I.D.E. in Toronto starting the end of this week, i've been 'decorating' my work area and i've had some help along the way.

the first little gift came from my own boss (very very hetero but very very open-minded) who brought me in a little rainbow pen that she picked up accidentally at some convention...of course the pen isn't intentionally designed for gays...jeesh...but it sure fits the festivities
and, as she told me today, she has some gay-P.R.I.D.E. wristbands (you know, like the ones for cancer and other worthy causes) at home somewhere that she'll bring me if she finds them...of course, with her, there would be a funny story behind obtaining them but too long to go into here.


ok, so they're pencils! don't get your knickers all in a clusterfuck about it ;-) couldn't find the right photo...jeesh lol

then there's one of the dudes in Systems...my stupid security work pass has my photo on one side and the hugest freakin' font with my name clearly for the world to see on the other side...of course, i wear this attached to my belt and walking obviously keeps flipping the damn thing over to the name side no matter how i attach it....so i came up with a little photo idea to cover my name and voila.....he was so kind as to print it off on colour print (which us 'regular' workers aren't privileged to use for obvious reasons)

and then today as i come back from some assignment i was doing, i turn my chair around to see this beautiful rainbow flag sitting on my chair! from my sweet friend Tammy.....she'd gone to Winners at lunch and when she saw they were handing out free PRIDE flags with purchases, the sweet thing thought of me and brought me one.

so now my workstation looks very P.R.I.D.E. orientated along with a poster i made for myself that hangs just outside on my wall.

looks like i'm set this year....HUGE amounts of festivities to attend...so my P.I.C. and i are hopefully and finally going on our long-awaited roadtrip this weekend and then we'll need to literally spread (oooo, nice term) ourselves around next weekend to make it to all the events....it'll be damn good for me since i've been out of circulation far too freakin' long...it'll be great to meet new people and let loose for a while...

oh yeah....bring on P.R.I.D.E., baby...bring...it.... ON ;-)

something in the air?

i don't know
i really don't
can't put my finger on it
but

i FEEL it
there's something brewing in the air
and i think it's a good thing
this time
;-)

a treat for myself today....

hmmm...i've been hit fairly hard with bullshit again these past few days but, hey, that's life.

we all know it feels good to go out and buy something for ourselves when we need an uplift, no?
yes!
of course!

in my haste to clear out some stuff today to release my brain of memories i'd much rather forget, i quickly realized that i now had no bed sheets for my bed. shit.

ah, but a perfect opportunity to incorporate more of my latest colour scheme for my bedroom....dark chocolate browns.....to go with my sensual antique mahogany sleigh bed

patiently waiting for the streetcar to voyage me up to the nearest metro huge shopping centre, i was starting to get restless so i started looking around out of sheer boredom for this streetcar i saw no signs of coming

and there it was! yup....a little independent bed/linen store right across the street from where i was standing! woohoo.

within 15 minutes, i found the colour, the thread count, the size and the blend - Egyptian cotton and nothing else for these luscious curves ;-)

and to boot?

they were 50% off! holy shit, what a find.

now i feel much
much
better

my own coming-out tale

or should that read: tail ;-)

in the aura of some weird depressive mood today, i was on a journey to scope out and add some new wonderful women to my page....profiles i enjoy reading and getting to know in the hopes they, too, will return the honour.

i came across one of the blogs from old crone when i realized i, myself, have never (blogwise) relayed my own tale...i not only came out of the closet, dear friends...i fucking busted out, loud and hard! lol

hold on for the ride, although probably not the most interesting tale to tell:

i remember being about 6, a 'latch-key' kid, my parents often leaving me alone at a young age unless Oma could babysit, which wasn't always possible.

as tumultuous as my parent's marriage was in itself, they did socialize quite a bit, although later i found out from mom that she felt sick everytime because of dad's behaviour...but we won't get into that part.

sitting on the floor of my parent's bedroom with the closet door open, heaving out the huge grey suitcase mom and i had our life's belongings packed away in to come to Canada from our homeland, it was now filled with dad's Playboy mags. what a treat for a mixed-up 6 yr old to behold. immense feeling of joy, not necessarily in a sexual manner, overcame me, page by page, seeing the beauty unfold before me...the lusciousness of those beautiful women. back then, the Vargas Pin-Up Girls (lovely photos at the end of the bio) were a huge asset to the magazine - a section i definitely miss in today's more commercial version. i could hardly wait for dad's monthly issue to arrive and for them to go out and leave me with the newest lovely on big glossy pages.

growing up, child-play was with both girls as well as boys. through therapy, we figured out that i was probably quite bisexual from an early age on as i did have 'crushes' on boys but i clearly remember many of those crushes being directed towards girls, especially once high school entered the picture. yet, the specific harsh details of my upbringing forced me to take the 'good-girl' route and stick with the only safe thing i knew....hooking up with dudes. all that shit that many lesbians/gays/tranis deal with....religion, culture, family/peer pressure....was the same for me so, yeah, i married a dude. i KNEW i shouldn't have married him but i did. thankfully, i got two amazing kids out of this fiasco but 20 years married and a total of 37 years of faking hetero love/sex and all that gross stuff is a long fucking time. it's so sad how many other women find themselves in the same realm of lost years. well, fucking BRAVO and huge accolades to all those, at any age, who take on the challenges and have the bravery of coming out and being themselves.

throughout high school, throughout my earlier adult years, memories of the women i adored, crushed on, fell in love with. ....all pleasantly float around in my brain, even today. and many lovelies they were ;-)
the older i got, the more i desired to be with women in all aspects, the more i became daring and the more i openly flirted with them.

yet, even after i divorced my children's father, i was still too scared. i was afraid of losing the respect and love of my children mostly because, with kids, you're never quite certain how they'll vote, regardless of how much they love you. my fears in that regard came from hoping they had not been ingrained with the same homophobic/racist attitude as their father. i knew i had done a fairly decent job raising them without all those prejudices but you just never know. i also knew my mom would understand but how, in reality, would she really feel?? would she be different with me?

so, i continued to date men - disgusted with myself, even more disgusted with them. each so-called relationship failing, time and time again. each intimate encounter leaving me feeling disgusted and repulsed.

feeling jaded with all that shit, i flung myself into the bdsm lifestyle for a few years. again, i chose a male Dom/Master. i call him 'shrek-dude' because, other than the green body colour, that's exactly who he resembles. i chose someone unattractive on purpose. and the ONLY way i could get through the intimate encounters was by being tied, roped, chained and blindfolded.

this lifestyle, however, allowed me to explore...big time. group play and meeting other women in the lifestyle opened up a whole happy world for me. once i had a 'taste' ;-) of the real thing, i knew...just knew...there was no going back to the lies and farce of my previous life.

it was a freedom of my soul i had searched my entire life for.

with this new, ever-growing freedom of being me, i then fell - hard - for a much younger woman at work. she, especially unsure which side of the road she preferred to dance on, took up an intimate relationship with me. in the beginning it was really...REALLY....good with its share of problems but it allowed me find out for sure if i was really a lesbian who adored women or, like some assholes like to make opinion of - just going through a phase. well, fuck that shit. if this is a phase, then it's a fairly long one. that relationship lasted just shy of 3 yrs and i have, just recently, ended it. yes, at some point, the 17 yr age difference did make a difference as i felt, more and more, not a lover/partner, i felt like a second mom to her. regardless, i ended it amicably with her and am proud to say that, for the very very first time in the ending of any relationship in my life, we manage to stay the friends we started out as. what a lesbian thing to do! LOL

as each day passes, as each year takes me into another level of maturity, so is the conviction and certainty in my soul of who i really am. despite the shit that life still throws at me (well, at everyone actually), the one thing i never have to doubt, worry about, consider: is who i really am.

in that knowledge and certainty, there is such peace and joy in my soul, that all the rest is just everyday piddly bullshit.

god, i love you women ;-)

a bit of a piss off, i'd say

i'm back on blogger with a new profile but i can't allow myself to think too much on why i had to do a new profile because then i'll just get really pissed and i don't want to be in a pissy mood as i'm, finally, going to socialize in the lesbian world tonight...at least i hope so...i've been out of circulation far toooooo long ;-)

the fact that i had some freakin' psycho stalker force me into a new profile pisses me off enough but the fact that i have to now try and relocate all my friend bloggers again pisses me off even more 'cause it's not an easy task...yes, in hindsight i probably should have been a lot smarter and kept a word doc with everyone's links on it so that i merely had to revisit and add to my fav blogger list but i wasn't thinking clearly at the time...obviously. shit like that happens when i'm in a nasty mood...i react before i think. yup, still working on that ;-)

and in that way, blogger.com is kind of stupid. how in the hell do i rebuild my friend list of other amazing lesbians when I CAN'T FUCKING FIND ANYONE! not like blogger has a category search where i can just seek-and-find....i'm not a huge myspace fan, despite still having a profile...but at least with myspace, you can browse, search and invite like-minded women to your page...fuck, here i feel like a flotation device in lost space with nowhere to attach....i can only rely on profiles i find on other women's pages...not an easy task

so, as much as i love to purge my shit on a blog, this site is not impressing me at all

i am happy that i have 3 of my best buds back but still....

i miss my other friends :-(