her personal journal entry of last year she shared with me yesterday while we were both ‘recovering’ from a sleepless night after taking in some minor P.R.I.D.E. celebrations Sat night.....the sleeplessness not coming from partying too much but from staying up and talking about a 'new level (?)' of our friendship.
yeah, btw…. W T F is up with our local lesbian bar these days????? freakin’ hetero couples practically doing each other on the damn floor in a gay bar??? of course we don’t want to bar specific genders/orientation from attending because all are always welcome but, fuck, come on…enough is enough with the slobbering over each other in who can suck out whose tongue first and chicks rubbing dude’s peens - all in front of those of us who don’t really care to see that sickatating dude-on-chick crap….i haven’t seen a good lesbian night there in months. ok, enough of that shit…blog on that another time.
so….was i surprised about her journal writing? hmm, yes and no. we’ve been ‘dancing’ around each other for “13 months, 1 week, ? days, ? hours, ? seconds” according to her time keeping. really? lol
but she shared her personal observations and ‘ideas’ with me in the context of keeping our friendship solidified because, as we both have made VERY clear, neither of us wants anything LT or committed with anyone right now.
we met over 2 yrs ago online and became online budds quickly. our personal lives, even to this day, always seem to be parallel with each other which made for a great supportive friendship..and, yes, no lie, a hint of shared sexual attraction too.
but…we were protected from each other...both of us in a safe zone, so to speak.
she still involved, trying to break free…i, still involved, thinking about breaking free...we both had a tight noose around our necks with our respective partners and we both found ourselves struggling at the same time...that connection, initially, which solidified a friendship
she moved clear across the country shortly after we met and before we had a chance to meet up locally. another hellish life for her started over there while my own personal hell just continued on.
a first-ever-to-meet visit from her last year spring was good medicine for both of us. in short, we had an amazing time together.
and then i got scared…..sh*tless.
and i got mean.
and i got vicious.
and i pushed her away.
turmoil from my ongoing relationship at that time, turmoil in my residential environment, turmoil still continuing to a forced connection to someone due to kids being involved…just a total *clusterfuck* on my plate.
and….everyone was coming to me with their personal stuff.
it was too much.
add her feelings towards me on top of that and...
yeah, it didn't really make me shine my best side>
so with this latest move in April, i ended things with the gf and shut everyone out…including her.
once i could breathe again.
feel human again.
feel less stressed…
i allowed certain individuals back into my life…including her.
and now we’re both single. no ties, no commitments to anyone and
oh boy...danger ;-)
so now she’s shared this with me. by no means am i complaining…i’m glad she did. yet, it’s certainly added more ‘spice’ to our friendship, increased the flirtatious comments and pushed us just a little closer to that ‘edge’ of no going back once you plunge into the physical realm of friends-with-benefits.
my brain’s been in overload ever since. my brain, the intelligent organ, screams a loud and cursory “no fucking way should this happen…too much at stake!”
while my ‘other’ parts, the selfish organ(s), scream a loud and cursory “fuck, yeah girl! go for it ‘cause ya know it’s going to be one hot & crazy wild night.”
and then what?
it could go either of two ways. and….
sometimes these things work well and everyone continues like before. and…
sometimes these things do not work well, intense emotions come into play, potential for jealousy, potential for achy hearts, friendship wiped out.
for now, we continue as we are ‘cause it’s a very good, very fun friendship (a cute little piece i found on another blog site).
so, girl....best out of 3 on the ‘beaver’ coin, eh? well, one spin so far did not stop on the ‘beaver’…you lose....two more rolls to go
*clusterfuck....my favourite word recently…it joins the juicy list of:
yeah, i'm a dirty girl ;-)