Sunday, June 7, 2009
my own coming-out tale
or should that read: tail ;-)
in the aura of some weird depressive mood today, i was on a journey to scope out and add some new wonderful women to my page....profiles i enjoy reading and getting to know in the hopes they, too, will return the honour.
i came across one of the blogs from old crone when i realized i, myself, have never (blogwise) relayed my own tale...i not only came out of the closet, dear friends...i fucking busted out, loud and hard! lol
hold on for the ride, although probably not the most interesting tale to tell:
i remember being about 6, a 'latch-key' kid, my parents often leaving me alone at a young age unless Oma could babysit, which wasn't always possible.
as tumultuous as my parent's marriage was in itself, they did socialize quite a bit, although later i found out from mom that she felt sick everytime because of dad's behaviour...but we won't get into that part.
sitting on the floor of my parent's bedroom with the closet door open, heaving out the huge grey suitcase mom and i had our life's belongings packed away in to come to Canada from our homeland, it was now filled with dad's Playboy mags. what a treat for a mixed-up 6 yr old to behold. immense feeling of joy, not necessarily in a sexual manner, overcame me, page by page, seeing the beauty unfold before me...the lusciousness of those beautiful women. back then, the Vargas Pin-Up Girls (lovely photos at the end of the bio) were a huge asset to the magazine - a section i definitely miss in today's more commercial version. i could hardly wait for dad's monthly issue to arrive and for them to go out and leave me with the newest lovely on big glossy pages.
growing up, child-play was with both girls as well as boys. through therapy, we figured out that i was probably quite bisexual from an early age on as i did have 'crushes' on boys but i clearly remember many of those crushes being directed towards girls, especially once high school entered the picture. yet, the specific harsh details of my upbringing forced me to take the 'good-girl' route and stick with the only safe thing i knew....hooking up with dudes. all that shit that many lesbians/gays/tranis deal with....religion, culture, family/peer pressure....was the same for me so, yeah, i married a dude. i KNEW i shouldn't have married him but i did. thankfully, i got two amazing kids out of this fiasco but 20 years married and a total of 37 years of faking hetero love/sex and all that gross stuff is a long fucking time. it's so sad how many other women find themselves in the same realm of lost years. well, fucking BRAVO and huge accolades to all those, at any age, who take on the challenges and have the bravery of coming out and being themselves.
throughout high school, throughout my earlier adult years, memories of the women i adored, crushed on, fell in love with. ....all pleasantly float around in my brain, even today. and many lovelies they were ;-)
the older i got, the more i desired to be with women in all aspects, the more i became daring and the more i openly flirted with them.
yet, even after i divorced my children's father, i was still too scared. i was afraid of losing the respect and love of my children mostly because, with kids, you're never quite certain how they'll vote, regardless of how much they love you. my fears in that regard came from hoping they had not been ingrained with the same homophobic/racist attitude as their father. i knew i had done a fairly decent job raising them without all those prejudices but you just never know. i also knew my mom would understand but how, in reality, would she really feel?? would she be different with me?
so, i continued to date men - disgusted with myself, even more disgusted with them. each so-called relationship failing, time and time again. each intimate encounter leaving me feeling disgusted and repulsed.
feeling jaded with all that shit, i flung myself into the bdsm lifestyle for a few years. again, i chose a male Dom/Master. i call him 'shrek-dude' because, other than the green body colour, that's exactly who he resembles. i chose someone unattractive on purpose. and the ONLY way i could get through the intimate encounters was by being tied, roped, chained and blindfolded.
this lifestyle, however, allowed me to explore...big time. group play and meeting other women in the lifestyle opened up a whole happy world for me. once i had a 'taste' ;-) of the real thing, i knew...just knew...there was no going back to the lies and farce of my previous life.
it was a freedom of my soul i had searched my entire life for.
with this new, ever-growing freedom of being me, i then fell - hard - for a much younger woman at work. she, especially unsure which side of the road she preferred to dance on, took up an intimate relationship with me. in the beginning it was really...REALLY....good with its share of problems but it allowed me find out for sure if i was really a lesbian who adored women or, like some assholes like to make opinion of - just going through a phase. well, fuck that shit. if this is a phase, then it's a fairly long one. that relationship lasted just shy of 3 yrs and i have, just recently, ended it. yes, at some point, the 17 yr age difference did make a difference as i felt, more and more, not a lover/partner, i felt like a second mom to her. regardless, i ended it amicably with her and am proud to say that, for the very very first time in the ending of any relationship in my life, we manage to stay the friends we started out as. what a lesbian thing to do! LOL
as each day passes, as each year takes me into another level of maturity, so is the conviction and certainty in my soul of who i really am. despite the shit that life still throws at me (well, at everyone actually), the one thing i never have to doubt, worry about, consider: is who i really am.
in that knowledge and certainty, there is such peace and joy in my soul, that all the rest is just everyday piddly bullshit.
god, i love you women ;-)