Sunday, December 27, 2009

Christmas this year.....

(M bought this for Our first Christmas together)

was so special for me this year....the first, ever, Christmas that i was genuinely happy and excited about the holidays

not that, in previous years, i didn't enjoy Christmas with my was only them that i could focus on and pretend excitement for their sake so their hearts would feel good at a time where so many are sad and depressed.

but this year, She made it so much more magical. My M.

M and i spent a great time with both our families...mine on Christmas Eve and Hers on Christmas Day...we also attended a wonderful Christmas Eve Service at Roy Thompson Hall with an amazing choir and other highly talented singers and musicians - what was enjoyable about it was that it was for all denominations. also this church organization is mostly gay oriented. it was great seeing parents and grand parents attend to the many gays that are regulars of this church.

but also, M and i, are now spending some much needed quality down time together....prepping for the holidays has really knocked the shit out of our wings and it's a perfect time, now, to reconnect and sprinkle some extra romance in there! lol

(M decorated Our first tree)



Friday, December 18, 2009

an Olympic accident

talk about unbeknownst timing on the dog walk this

it was a rougher night for me than usual.....not the best platform for waking up cheerful

and i wasn't
not in the least

i just wanted to escape before i had to deal with the morning encounter and all that comes with, hugs, etc
i knew i couldn't deal with all that this morning although, later, i managed a wave only because i knew i had to....not because it felt good to do
unfortunately, that's what my bad mood provides this cold-metal-block type wall that makes it hard for me to allow the love shine through while i'm feeling that's a fucked up defense mechanism, i know, but almost impossible for me to change

so i took B out for her morning walk....a routine i try to faithfully follow on my Friday's off to give M a break

leaving the building, i see flashing lights and cop cars everywhere blocking the roads in and out of our area which is right there beside the Roger's Centre (formerly known as The Skydome).

as curious minds obviously want to know wtf is going on THIS time again, especially @ 6:00 a.m., i see another dog walker and he tells me it's the Torch Run coming! right there where i live??!!!??

without even realizing it, i became so excited and exhiliarated at the privilege of witnessing this special event this morning where, yesterday, i was just telling a colleague how it's really not such a big deal, blah blah blah, after she was so excited and happy that she actually knew one of the torch runners personally.

as i watched the convoy of Olympian decorated truck floats, cops, trailers, etc slowly pass by and all the people on them wave and yell good morning cheers to us all, it lifted my mood so much, i felt my lips curve into such a huge smile that i actually felt, at that moment, like the Grinch had when his heart had grown bigger and bigger towards the folks in Whoville (only, where we are, is more like Loserville or Assholeville). There were actual tears flowing from my eyes because it felt so great to be witness to a part of history.

B did her business in time for me to come back around to see the Torch Runner pass us by, proudly holding that flame high.

i guess i now do see why everyone is so excited about this....afterall, it IS being held in Canada, it IS being celebrated by Canadians and part of it IS happening right in downtown Toronto...and right outside my front door!

maybe this mood uplifting will carry me well throughout my busy day ahead.

Friday, December 11, 2009

letters i wish i could send....

Dear EX-gf of my beloved:

Let's face the fact that your relationship has been over, done, exhausted, kaput....for at least 2 yrs or more. Let's face the fact that you've been EX's for over 1 year now.

Get the Fuck over it!

I'm sorry if I'm sounding too harsh on this but the reality is you had almost 6 fucking years to get your sorry-ass shit together, smarten up, appreciate what you had in Her and make some fucking serious changes to, at the least, meet Her half way on your commitment and all that comes with that.

Take a long hard look at NEED professional help in getting over your issues...past and present. Otherwise, your future, dear girl, looks awfully fucking grim.

You cannot expect to get through life on your own and enjoy the benefits of a healthy relationship until YOU get your shit together, deal with your issues and your constant depressive state of mind. How dare I say this?? Been the fuck there and fucking done it not too many years ago myself - stood at the precipice of doom looking to jump far too often. Ta-Da! IIIII got my shit together BEFORE She came into my life.

But here's the eye opener, one can do this for you...YOU have to take the initiative and the steps to get healthier and make the best of YOU you can be.

Don't be sending fucking stupid guilt-trip emails about how you've cried for 3 fucking days after the news She shared with you or how She's torn your heart out...fuck, you don't think you've put Her through enough in your years together?? You don't think you've sponged off of Her far-too-giving soul enough then and still now??? HELLO! Reason She's financially fucking strapped now and you STILL continue to keep shit that belongs to Her.

Reality check: get off your ass and get on with your own life. Stop expecting others to make life better for you. Stop expecting others to take care of you and pay the way for you. Stop expecting Her to come back to you. IT AIN'T FUCKING HAPPENIN'.

With Heartfelt Emotions,
The Replacement

Dear EX-gf of Mine:

So, here we are, several months after the day I told you I could no longer deal with all the shit that was destroying our 3 yrs together.

Let's remember who it was who INSISTED and whined about how important it was to "her" to keep in contact and stay friends.

Let's remember who tried her best to accommodate this request but found that stalking me by texts, emails and calls to my work were so fucking annoying, I totally lost it with you.

Let's remember who sent back all of your personal, precious goodies but where the fuck is my stuff???

You send me emails, at work, letting me know that sad stuff is happening in your family again. You know, in my heart, my most sincere best wishes will always be with that situation which I wrote back to you. You have, weeks and weeks later, never bothered to respond or keep me up to date as I requested.

You, bluntly, have not communicated in any form whatsoever so now I give up. I can only assume that like the EX of my now gf, you can't handle She and I being together which wouldn't surprise me because all you did throughout our relationship is trash Her and Our friendship.
NEWSFLASH: whether you believe it or not, NOTHING ever went on between Her and I other than a great solid friendship. I never looked at Her in a romantic way until just a few short months ago.
NEWSFLASH: I've NEVER been unfaithful to you and never even considered it with anyone you were suspicious of, including M, even though you rudely and blatantly didn't even bother to ask me to join you (2 yrs into our relationship), your friends and your sister on a trip to the U.S. for your special-year birthday...remember that??? Uh, yeah. How the fuck do you think that made me feel??

And remember the time you bought tickets and went off to a concert with your friends rather than spending the weekend with me celebrating OUR anniversary??? NO! The weekend AFTER our anniversary date was not an acceptable choice.

Do you also remember the time I was so emotionally upset and you promised to come over to try to calm me down and spend time with me only to TEXT me about an hr later to tell me you weren't coming over but were going to spend the WEEKEND with your friend because her dad was in the hospital??? WTF? I wasn't important enough, even then, to take an hour or two out of an entire weekend just to be with me.

Time and time again, you proved to me that FRIENDS always took priority over me or our relationship or events when we SHOULD have been together.

3 years of constantly standing OUTSIDE of the circle of your life, remaining on the back burner only to have you pull me to the front at YOUR convenience. It was finally too much to continue with.

Let me also remind you, dear one, that, although I was far from the perfect mate for you, I tried my damnest for 3 yrs to get you to come around, come out, reveal your true identity or have you decided to stay bisexual??? I tried to be a part of your life circle with your friends and family but, fuck, you seem to take on a different personality with each group of people in your life. I swear I was in love with fucking Sybil or Three Faces of Eve. And WTF is with the southern drawl when your chatting up a 2 hr storm with your dude-friend out west while I had taken my precious time to drive, for almost an hour, to your place, bring you homecooked food and spend time with you during your recuperation???

Please remember that when you're in a relationship with someone as much older to you as I am, a serious level of maturity needs to be there. Whenever I spent time with you and your friends or whenever I listened to the 'way' you talk on the phone with them, I could never understand how women of your age and theirs could be so damn immature.

Another NEWSFLASH: bedroom talk to me in a baby voice IS NOT A FUCKING TURN ON! and again, talking with a southern drawl accent, especially AFTER I've asked you stop several times, IS NOT A FUCKING TURN ON! And then you wondered why I left the bed???

I had hoped that letting you go would encourage you to seek your own life outside of your parent's home, would encourage you to find your own identity rather then be what your friends and family want you to be, would encourage you to be more independent and grow within yourself, the person who I know has a good heart and good soul but really has a lot of growing up to do. The 30's are here, dear friend. Time to be a tiny bit more serious about certain things and time to set your priorities correctly if you really do want to be in a healthy relationship.

All the best,
The EX.

more enlightening stuff ;-)

Fitting Tune: Never Be The Same Again

hey Babee....Happy 11 December Anniversary ;-)

this tune couldn't have fit better to any other relationship


"Never Be The Same Again"

Come on. Ooh, yeah.
Never be the same again.

I call you up whenever things go wrong.
You're always there. You are my shoulder to cry on.
I can't believe it took me quite so long.
To take the forbidden step.
Is this something that I might regret?

(Come on, come on)
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
(You are the one)
A lonely heart that can't be tamed.
(Come on, come on)
I'm hoping that you feel the same.
This is something that I can't forget.

I thought that we would just be friends.
Things will never be the same again.
It's just the beginning it's not the end.
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door.
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.
Never be the same again.

Now I know that we were close before.
I'm glad I realised I need you so much more.
And I don't care what everyone will say.
It's about you and me.
And we'll never be the same again.

I thought that we would just be friends (oh yeah).
Things will never be the same again. (Never be the same again)
It's just the beginning it's not the end. (We've only just begun)
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door. (Opened up the door)
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.
Never be the same again.

Nite and day.
Black beach sand to red clay.
The US to UK, NYC to LA.
From sidewalks to highways.
See it'll never be the same again.
What I'm sayin'
My mind frame never changed 'til you came rearranged.

But sometimes it seems completely forbidden.
To discover those feelings that we kept so well hidden.
Where there's no competition.
And you render my condition.
Though improbable it's not impossible.
For a love that could be unstoppable.

But wait.
A fine line's between fate and destiny.
Do you believe in the things that were just meant to be?
When you tell me the stories of your quest for me.
Picturesque is the picture you paint effortlessly.

And as our energies mix and begin to multiply.
Everyday situations, they start to simplify.
So things will never be the same between you and I.
We intertwined our life forces and now we're unified.

I thought that we would just be friends.
Things will never be the same again.
It's just the beginning it's not the end.
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door.
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.

(Come on, come on)
Things will never be the same again.
(You are the one)
Never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
We'll never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
We'll never be the same again.
Never be the same again.
Never be the same again.
Never be the same again.
Never be the same again.

other enlightening reads ;-)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


i'm not even sure how to write about this right now....i'm still


oh, yeah
disappointed for certain

what's causing this influx of emotions you might ask?

a phone call from my mom today...first thing this morning...good (not) start to my day
( i'm writing this it's so fitting that "Smalltown Boy" is playing on my ironic?? symoblic?? wtf?)

last week, i sent my mom a letter...just to her. a nice letter....a caring letter but also a to-the-point-letter about my upcoming wedding to my wonderful woman

i came out to both my mom and stepdad a few years back....they've had time. he's had time.
they've witnessed my last serious same-sex relationship....although i knew they both had their reservations about that one...well, so did i

regardless, it doesn't change the fact that i came out to them a few years back...yes, in my forties but still....better late than never

the attitude was kind of like "ok, we can accept you 'turning into a lesbian' but just don't rub it into our faces"....fair enough, that's not my game anyhow

i remained respectful yet as firm as possible about my orientation. i didn't bother them with my relationship, i didn't call them with tears and complaints, i didn't rub things into their faces

the letter to my mom was only because when i tried to converse with her on the subject of M and i getting married - this happy happy news i wanted to share with them - my mom presented a hush-hush face on the phone with me and clearly indicated that my stepfather still had issues with my orientation...HUGE issues...and that i was not to blurt out anything about anything until she and i had a chance to talk about things...alone.

the push was on to get this 'over with' before the upcoming Christmas holidays. so i chose my favourite way of communicating as it allowed me to convey my thoughts and feelings in a neutral environment....when i'm upset, i can go waaaaayyyy overboard and i didn't want that to happen in this case. yeah, i can be such an emotional twit but, thankfully, not too often.

mom called me the next day....fuck, Canada Post can be quick if they want to lol

she left me a v/mail but it took freakin' 2 days before i listened to it instinct

when i heard her v/mail, to the average person it probably sounded ok, nothing major but to me, i just had this 'feeling'

and today i find out that 'feeling' was right

i stayed home from work again today as i, still, wasn't feeling up to par....good thing i did.
this would have been more difficult to deal with at work.

the long and short of it is this: Christmas will be partially fucked this year. this may just be the first Christmas Eve i won't be spending with them, after 27 years of faithfully having a wonderful Christmas Eve with them and, later, with my kids.

apparently, my stepdad is completely fine and accepting of M and i being together (i know they both really like her even when she was still only my friend); fine with us living together, getting a house together, sharing a bed together.....he's even admitted to the hugely positive change in me since being with M (as has my mom) and the positive change in my teenaged son as well. what he can't deal with....what he, so far, refuses to deal with?

M and i getting

in his Lutheran eyes, gays should never be allowed to get married. oh, but it's ok for us to fucking sleep together, share a home together, have children together, possibly be 'sinful' together but not get married.

but the real kick in the gut on this one is his words to my mom: "they're only getting married to shove it in our faces that they are gay - she's doing this on purpose because she wants to prove a point." W T F? mom thinks some homophobic friend of his put that in his stupid head. it doesn't matter if it's his own thoughts or someone else's....he's known me for 27 fucking years and it's insulting to think that he thinks of me that way.

holy shit.

explaining it to mom was no big deal....she knows, she understands and, as her daughter, she has no issues accepting me (and M) and what we want to do, how we want to live our life together.

i'm pissed because he's trying to shove his religious bullshit beliefs on me and M

this is NOT about religion
this is NOT about him
this is NOT about anything else but the fact that i have finally found true happiness with a partner that i want to spend my life with them in a legal way

fuck, i'll be 50 next year and others are still trying to pin all their shit on me to make me live within their expectations and ideals

fuck that shit.....i hid for over 40 was difficult and risky coming out when i is for anyone at any age

i'm not about to cancel my wedding plans nor crawl back into the closet for anyone's sake

he's not thinking clearly the domino affect this will have on what was once a very close family....the affect on my children, the affect on family visits but most of all, i'm more pissed that this is going to be real hard on my mom who's now been placed in the middle of this shit.


Happy Fucking Christmas.

other enlightening reads ;-)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Slack's....a lesbian bar??? NOT!

ok, folks, i'm in obvious rant

so, i believe the email thread below speaks for make up your own mind on this one:

this is how it started - my email to them:

"Slack's is Toronto's only TRUE women's bar .. ....not a straight or men's space holding a weekly women's event!"

I don't quite understand how you can make a disclaimer as above on your FB site and still feel like you've been honest about it. Until now, I (actually, we - which includes many Toronto based lesbians) have kept our opinions to ourselves in regards to the changes we've seen occur @ Slack's in recent years. But after reading the statement on FB, I knew I had to finally say something.'s NOT pretty.

I'm 49 years old. Slack's was one of the first lesbian hangouts for me that helped me gain the courage to finally come out in my early 40's. But I've seen Slack's decline rapidly in the past 2 to 3 years in it's futile attempts to remain the only true lesbian bar in the GTA. Other than coming in to dine during off-club hours, many of us no longer even consider hanging out due to the influx of straight couples, straight singles and wannabe-lesbians.

We'd rather travel the distances to the west of us including even as far as London where lesbians are still the acceptable 'norm' amongst all the tranis & gay men rather than having to deal with all the straight folks at Slack's - whether it's Fridays or Saturdays, doesn't seem to make any difference.

It's fully understood that no genre of orientation should be excluded from any bar or club but, in Slack's case, as it is SUPPOSED to be a lesbian bar, it's disgusting to see that lesbians are actually the minority.
It's disgusting to see straight couples making out on the benches or on the dance floor.
It's disgusting to see some 19 yr old wannabe-lesbian come up to you, try to make out with you and then quickly jump to some straight dude standing next to you and french-tongue him until he gags.
It's disgusting to see straight couples come there to pick up a third-party lesbian.
But most of all, it's just disgusting to see that Slack's has turned into a straight folk's hideout rather than the lesbian bar it was originally meant to be.

How many times, in the past 8 months or so, have we walked in with some semblance of hope only to end up walking out less than 1/2 hour later, shaking our heads and vowing never to return.

In Toronto, the cold and rude city so homophobic in it's acceptance of the gay community, it's difficult enough to remain true to our orientation in a community sense as there is next to nothing available for lesbians although that is not the case for the gay dudes as most bars/clubs in The Village are geared towards them. Although even they will agree with the clear and frightening reality that straights are definitely moving in and taking over the Church/Wellesley community, especially Slack's.

It's sad, really, that we feel we no longer have a decent lesbian hangout to go to.
Without some serious changes, Slack's will see that die-hard lesbians will continue to fade away from its doors and the straights will take over completely. That's not a joke.

Thanks for letting me vent.

their response back:

" Slack's is lesbian owned and run. Out of our 13 staff members, one is male. One is transgendered. The rest are gay women, including our kitchen staff, coat check girl, bussers and security. Take a look around the club you choose to go to instead of Slack's, and let me know if they can say the same.

Funny thing, we just got this email, from a guy, the day before your email (sorry folks, i removed dude's email as it wasn't quite relevant to the complaint at hand). It just seems like it is impossible to please everyone, all of the time. After 5 years...maybe we should give up, just like every other lesbian bar that has tried to make it in this town. Instead of embrassing a palce that was made just for them, they can go off to those straight bars on the west end that hold monthly "women's events" or market ourselves as a mixed bar like every other palce on Church Street."

of course, you KNOW i couldn't just let that pass:

"Dear Whomever:

First and foremost, your reply was UNPROFESSIONAL and RUDE to say the least. Your spelling is quite atrocious as well. Perhaps try taking some further English classes so that you are able to COMPREHEND what the writer is trying to convey to you. Your response lacked clarity and does not even make sense to the complaint I was making.

I have NO issue with your staff - with the exception of you now, of course. If you read again, you will note that the problem is with the clientele you so graciously allow to take over what is SUPPOSED TO BE A LESBIAN BAR! Did I speak loud enough this time and did you possibly understand it this time??

No one is suggesting you tuck your tail between your legs and shut down. But, seriously, if you don't want Slack's to go the way of the straight folks, changes are definitely required.

In a more professional sense, try this next time:

Dear Ms. So-and-So: (or whomever)

Thank you for your letter. We always welcome feedback to our establishment whether it is in a negative or positive tone. We apologize that you feel frustrated and unsatisfied while visiting our establishment.

....and so on and so on...

Maybe you can even provide your name and extend a welcoming hand. I would LOVE to sit down and discuss your unprofessional attitude towards an unsatisfied customer. Do your homework, dear lesbian. The other establishments ARE run by lesbians, gay men and transexuals.

Fuck, thank you for pissing me off even further and encouraging me to spread the joys of Slack's! Word of mouth goes a long way.

Trust me, I won't be missing out on anything by no longer attending Slack's despite your obvious glee at losing several long-time customers....yes, I am only one in a sea of many that are just plain fed up with the direction Slack's is taking.

That's really good business sense.

Best of luck. name is A****. Care to share yours?"

enough said.

10 Navy Wharf - my 'home'...NOT!

so, maybe this is a small way of revenging on the total fucking bullshit we've (and now my partner since August as well) had to deal with since May of this year.

yeah, folks...i move from horrible shithole (previous old blog profile) to this fancy shmancy 46 (or 48?) FL condo building by Concord CityPlace Corp.

you'd think, paying $1500.00 smacks/month for a small 1 bdrm w/den condo would encourage some decent living, right? are ya fucking kidding me??

it was 'so great' for about 2 weeks after moving in. finally had a nice place to live after having lived through utter fucking hell in the shithole on 26 Heman St....holy shit, talk about white trash redneck fuckers and a psychotically imbalanced property manager/owner (fucking cunt whose name i can't even say without wanting to hurl my guts out)....too fucked up a story to get into again...just happy that one's over!
(at this point, i'd like to apologize for my ornery cursing but, honestly, there's only so much a person can take from a fucked up society until they finally burst - i see how people can actually go 'postal'!)

but now i (actually, we) can't wait to move the fuck out of here either...fuck, i'm pissed that i HAVE to move again!
as i was was nice, friendly, PEACEFUL for about 2 weeks after and then things changed......


and have been hell ever since

envision living under a freaking bowling know, bowling balls being thrown onto the floor and rolling down the lane, crashing into the pins....or
have you ever heard a huge dump truck drive over a really bumpy road with huge potholes while you're standing right beside it??? do you know the noise i'm trying to convey here????

yes, dear people....this is the fucking shit we HAVE to live with day in and day out from the assholes living above us. at any time of the day or night...seriously.

and what does the so-called decent property management tell me???? "i'm sorry, we can't just go and ask them to stop making those noises until we have proof that it is the tenant above you." W T F???

i've lived in shitholes that have done a better job with noise investigation than this place! (with exception of the last shithole, of course)

so they tell me these are the things i have to do before they take action:

1. i have to PROVE that the noise is coming from the unit above by recording it

oh, i'm you just assume that because i pay that much rent a month i have the fucking money to rent or purchase
some high tech recording equipment???? we have tried recording it with a video cam on the highest sound setting possible
but it's not picked up enough to play back the intensity and volume level of this bullshit

2. i have to call the Toronto police department (told to me by the owners of the unit upon advice from their asshole lawyer)
oh, really??? have YOU ever dealt with the Toronto police who tell me they have far worse situations to deal with
and that it's not their job but that i should refer my complaint to the property management???? um, dude, i've already
done that, duh!

3. i have to have one of their security dudes come and 'hear' the noises...yeah, ok....since the noises are RANDOM and occur
at ANYTIME of the day or night, only last about 1 minute or so, that's really going to be easy to 'listen to' about i have
one of your security dudes just fucking hang out in our condo unit for 1/2 a day or more??? maybe they can stay for dinner
or better yet, fuck, have breakfast with us so you can 'hear' this shit when it wakes us up @ 5:00 a.m. on a fucking
Sunday or 1:30 a.m. on a Thursday night.....fuck

so, i write them a final email last week that i HAVE done the things they've asked me to do and that the situation has only become worse and that i want them to look into the matter....i sent the email to their ditzy secretary with a copy to the supposed "good guy" manager...i get a 'polite' call from said dude who leaves voicemail for me....not having a chance to call back immediately, i call a couple of days later and leave a personal message with said secretary and follow up with an email to both of them ensuring that he knows i left him a, that was, what? over 1 week ago...i STILL haven't heard back from him or anyone else....status: noise continues on a daily and night basis and, oh yeah, let's throw in some fucking loud hammering AFTER cut-off time of 8:00 p.m.!

yup, what a fucking treasure this place has been...i can't wait for our lease to be up in a few months but the thought, the hard work and the freaking expense of having to move AGAIN is so frustrating.

and let's not even venture to the GENRE of individuals that live in this area....Toronto a nice city??? are ya fucking kidding me???? its reputation for being a cold, harsh and unfriendly city is TRUE.

i've never seen so many selfish, snot-nosed, cold, unfriendly bunch of losers combined in one area until now....i know Toronto has its pockets of good and bad but down in this area, the 'financial district' sucks shit, especially if you are GAY!

the damage done in and around this building is atrocious (like some loser dropping a pumpkin from a high balcony onto the children's daycare playground and then leaving pumpkin seeds all over the elevator floor after notices were posted or ripping the underground sprinkler pipes out of the ground in the gardens and the list goes and this by people who are white-collar, earn more money than i can dream of....just drive through our parking garage....the largest collection of Audi's, BMW's, Mercedes Benz, Hummer's, etc that i've ever laid my eyes you know rich folks live here in droves yet they don't know how to be kind, social or polite even in the simplest many times have i or my partner dodged a crazy-ass driver in the garage???? they don't even know what TWO LANES means as they stand their selfish-ass selves in the middle and expect everyone else to go around them...well, fuck you.

so, dear lovely people, save yourself a lot of grief and expense and don't move to this area unless that's how you really want to live....if you are a caring, warm, compassionate, respectful individual, this is not the area for you

fuck, i can't wait to leave the downtown core