Thursday, April 29, 2010

overwhelming emotions

M and i went for an extended walk the other day, with B, to the other side of Harbourfront. soon We'll not have that opportunity so close to Us...We're moving in a few weeks...but that's another story (yay! Our first house together! ). i'll be so glad to be out of this cesspool of idiotic freaks but i will miss the Harbourfront...

anyhow, We walked down towards the malting company and decided to walk to the back of it, closer to the harbour and the water where, often, We see the long-tailed duckies swimming around and diving...they are SO cute

oh shit...
suddenly, as i walked past the malting building, an enormous wave of doom washed over me (and M) We continued to walk down the side of it, looking up at the ominous size reaching towards the sky, my body started to shake...

We continued to walk towards the back when M saw the first of them...a collection of statues facing towards the CN Tower but these were anything but ordinary statues...the artist designed them to appear destitute, frightened and at 'the end' of their lives...We were both emotional but i became so intensely sad at the aura these statues were emanating towards me, that i found myself crying like i had lost a loved one
We came back the next day, fighting the sudden onslaught of winds and bitter cold, with Our cameras...this, the story of Irish immigrants who came to Canada for a better life...their story is told in the rocks with their names inscribed...this park was especially designed to tell the world their story...

Friday, April 16, 2010

just because...

a fav musician of mine, Jonathan Rhys the wake of bad news today announcing the separation of Melissa and Tammy-Lynn, this song seems to stick in my head today...i'm very saddened by this latest split...

beautiful dancing song, babe...this weekend, ok?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

and so the fear returns...

what does one do when years and years of past fear come screaming back at you from a source you wish you'd never known???

thinking back on my life from day 1, i mostly remember the main emotion in my heart and soul


fear from my father...a fear, however, that hasn't existed for many years...he's made his bed and whatever the rest of that statement is...i have no contact with him

fear from the 'sperm donor' i refuse to acknowledge, verbally, as my 'ex' but someone non-existent, because he came from a life that has no connection to me now, with exception of my wonderful kids...a life that was mostly not of my choosing but, rather, as many of you can relate, forced upon me despite my inner desires, wants, needs and known happiness.

as i tearfully try to explain my fears to my children who only know the surface of my hell with their other parental unit, i try to mentally convince myself that he wouldn't really do anything stupid because he'd certainly lose his kids...they've assured me they would never want anything to do with him again...

but as soon as i rationalize this into my head, the gut-wrenching fears come rushing back because i KNOW this man like no other yet i really don't know him, if that makes sense. i've experienced his instability, his hateful emotions from non-existent self-esteem issues, his penchant for, he never laid a hand on me physically but destroyed so much within the perimeters surrounding me.

but it's the verbal threats that stick in my head...the one's he never acted on but this time, i dare not think he won't act on them, especially with THIS relationship with M...lesbians, homosexuality, queers, tranis, the gay community in general...and the fact that his son, more importantly, lives with M and i. not "our" son...HIS son. his son living with two lesbians...this is not good.

when my children were little, he always berated me that i was going to turn our son into a 'fag' because i was hugging and kissing him 'too much'...our son's nature isn't even close to being homosexual...he's happily straight but loves his mom and partner very much and has been supportive of our relationship and upcoming marriage...he's happy for his mom. he loves having M with us because we provide a happy and joyful environment for him...both my children have struggled with some of their own minor homophobic issues but have pushed them all aside for M and i because they see and know how happy we are together...they are happy for us...they remind me regularly that this is the first time, either of my them, have seen their mother truly and honestly happy and they love M because of who she is and how she treats them and, of course, me.

yet none of that matters to crazy man...i know how deep his hatred runs...the intensity of his homophobic thoughts and fears. his entire culture has the same thoughts and fears...and they've hurt people.

and not only because he's now discovered my secret but, to date, 9 yrs after the divorce, he still has issues and a deep-seeded hatred towards me for leaving him in the first place.

this, a man who will never admit he's done anything wrong or behaved inappropriately as a husband and father...even after both children have physically removed themselves from his residence to live either on their own or with me, and eventually, M.

why did fate put yesterday's scenario into such perilous hands?? my trying to hide this from him was futile...i fear now for both M and i...and for the children as well but not so much...i doubt he'd hurt them physically but my son will be berated and verbally bashed and probably to the point where he won't want to visit his father any further...but will that teach him a lesson?? no, sadly, it won't because, again, it won't be his fault in his own fucked up head. it's always someone else to blame, never him.

but how do i now protect my M?? will we now have to constantly look over our shoulders each and every day??

i hate this...i hate having to deal with this fucking fear he, once again, manages to instill in me. another way for him to control me. fuck, why can't he just leave me - Us - alone and let our lives go on. concentrate on his own life with his own new piece of ass that he seems to love so much???

i don't have any answers...yet.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

"albino frog with a 'fro"...hahaha

after a lovely way to be woken up this morning, i, languishing in the nude after-math of a blissful morning, stretch out my leg, halfway, to try and massage her achy ribs with the softness of my foot...i can only imagine the vision of me, blond, curly hair all wild and crazy, as she turns around, laughing her cute ass off and lovingly says to me, "you look like an albino frog with a 'fro right now"...oh really?? haha, aren't you just the funny girl.

was this part of the vision for her this morning **as i chuckle to myself**