Saturday, February 27, 2010

and that says it all....bitchsession only

i just read an amazing blog (the "good boy" one) that set off some more underlying shit that bothers me about myself and those who feel the need to "tell" me who and what i am....this was my response to her.

..."i LOVE this writing you posted…but it also makes me sad in some way as i cannot quite identify myself in the same manner even though i’d like to – oh yeah, i’m comfortable being myself and who i am for the most part…i guess you could say i’m a butch with a femme lining?? i don’t know…i just know that i’m not a femme, i don’t act like one (most of the time with exception to my giggling episodes), i don’t dress like one (except for my fiance behind closed doors but she’s the more butch of the two of us and loves it when i dress that way)…but i fight the ‘you look too femme to be butch’ attitude every day…why??? because i have curves, tits, round ass and curly blonde hair???? wtf?? anyhow, enough babbling – i love your writings. have a great weekend :-)..."

what a bitch she is....

yes, that one the photo above

it's that time of the month again
in more ways than one

pms + full moon + stress + frustrations = clusterfuck of emotions

it's been - for the most part of my life - not the most positive or happy relationship we share....the moon and i

in fact, it can be downright damaging.
and has in past years...that's why this monthly phase oftentimes worries me. the gravitational pull of this magnificently beautiful yet potentially evil satellite of our universe never ceases to amaze the negative effects it has on my life...and others.

in previous years, when my own personal pms wars were stronger and more radically intense than now, the combo of pms @ the same time as the full moon turned me into something even i didn't recognize and scared the crap right out of my kids.

my body shudders at the memories of those times and my completely irrational, downright fucking scary behaviour :-(

i'm not quite that bad anymore...thankfully. but it still has nasty effects on me...

emotional rationale fly out the proverbial window, my body goes into 24hr defense mode, i'm tense as hell, i can't sleep more than a couple of hours during the night...if i do wake for any reason forget going back to sleep, i cry at just about anything, i become argumentative as hell, and every little thing that normally doesn't bother me too much, turns into a full blown annoyance which sends me into sheer pissy mood and i feel like punching or kicking something - my need for fight and flight becomes my constant

and it's not just me...i see the change in others around me and i definitely see the change in the general population...holy shit

about 3 days prior to and then during the full phase of its existence, people in general become more fucked up than usual.

you see it in their eyes, you hear it in their irrational conversations and arguments with you on the phone or one-on-one, in-your-face disrespect and rudeness are their initial reactions, the % of road rage increases dramatically, auto-related accidents increase, and the list goes on.

9 out of 10 people i speak to can relay some story or incident for them related to the full moon.
that's so fucked up.

sometimes i feel like we are mere little chess pawns to be moved around at will by the universe we live in...that doesn't allow for a safe, comfortable feeling

then again, in today's world, when can we ever feel safe and comfortable?
i don't have a positive answer for that.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

a mother's role?

so, really, what IS a mother’s role in her children’s lives when she’s finally, after 20 yrs of depressive, abusive hell, been divorced for 9 yrs from the dead-weight cavity that spawned them???

honestly, W T F???

it took me such a long time to shed myself away from this bullshit life called a former marriage mistake….to distance myself from the nauseating drama from both him and his fucked up family – all of this before i had the courage to come out and be the true me.

it’s a miracle that i had these two great kids come out of such repulsive bullshit but i’m at the point now where i’m seriously going to lose it and i’m not sure what to do with all of this shit.

son: lives with me and partner in a good life now…he’s happy with us but visits the sperm donor (referred to as ‘sd’ for the balance of this blog) every second weekend, mostly to spend time with his sister and pet dog. comes back home usually frustrated and depressed, sick in his head & stomach from unhealthy eating options there and basically has no communication with his father because they share nothing in common.

daughter: lives with sd (again) – by choice – regardless of warnings from me and former-living-with-dad-red-flags. this arrangement is supposed to be beneficial for her as she saves money on outrageous rent fees, can accomplish her b.a.’s & degrees with her online university courses and will soon be getting a license to become a bankruptcy counsellor. benefits for pet dog are that he’s not left alone all day (grandmother is happy with his company) and he has a large backyard to run, piddle and poop in.

problem: both kids are stressed with sd’s fucked up behaviour, which they both knew i dealt with for 20 yrs prior to divorce. son would rather not say too much to his dad to avoid definite yelling & cursing blow up scene. daughter voices her opinions with no problems but is, also, trying to avoid definite yelling & cursing blow up scenes while still living there.

both unload on their stress & frustrations on me.

so, what do i do???

if i continue to listen to this shit about their loser father, it stresses and depresses me. if i don’t listen to it, i feel guilty about it like all hell and where, then, do my kids unload their stress about it?

my life is really good now…my life is where i’ve needed it to be for me even though it took ½ my life to find it….find Her.

i honestly don’t want nor need to hear all this fucking crap about a loser i had to put up with for 20 yrs – someone who literally pushed me to the edge of suicide and morose unhappiness, fear and loathing. i’m done with him and all his bullshit, especially since i divorced his sorry ass 9 yrs ago. but it kills me that he’s behaving in the same manner with his own kids and i can’t say fuck all about it. i’d LOVE to but it would only make things worse for my kids. and, really, he’s not my problem anymore…nor should he be.

i wonder then…..

am i being a bad mother if i don’t take on this unnecessary stress from them?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Toronto + Pet Owners = DISGUSTING


yes, dear folks...this IS Toronto...ok, in all fairness, a part of Toronto....the worst i've seen yet but the kicker is.....

it's in a white-collar, top-scale area where you practically pay 1 arm + 2 legs for a mere tiny shoebox in the sky. yes, and i, unfortunately, have chosen to live here since last spring. why???? you may ask....i don't really fucking know but i know i've not been happy in this cold, stark, unfriendly, homophobic, concrete-jungle environment. i could practically write a fucking book on the 'episodes' or incidences we've seen or dealt with since moving here and it hasn't been pretty.

so, now i have my amazing fiance live with my son and i since August of last year....She's now been dealing with the same shit....and SHIT is what i really do mean....We can't even walk Our dog B in a feces-free environment here....there is not 1 foot perimeter area that's free from dog, really...see what i mean....

add this shit to the vast list of reasons that we're moving the fuck out of here once school is finished.....

Saturday, February 20, 2010

love for love....

the other day, coming home on the streetcar, the thought of Her came into my brain for, i'm sure, the 1,000,000th time that day.

She occupies that space so much there's barely room for anything else and it's not like it's a huge brainage space to begin with. no worries, i still can think and get my work shit done.

as blogged before, it's been a fucking whirlwind since June of last year, and i mean that in a really good way. the best way to describe it is two lost soul mates finally coming together after a few years of emotional ping pong with a solid friendship base to hold it all together.

the union of this pair - Us - has been, and continues to be, mindblowing to say the least. it's shattered all my doubts and facetious opinions about finding true least for me. i always knew it existed - for others - but never thought it a remote life possibility for me.

the simple feeling of knowing, that day on the streetcar, that i'd be home with Her soon brought such a blanket of contentment, peace and love i'm still not used to experiencing. i hope i never take those feelings for granted. but this is how i feel every single day of my life. i can't wait to be with Her at the end of the day, wake up to Her in the mornings, Our strolls with B, Our road trips, everyday regular life things like shopping for groceries, cooking together, washing the car, etc etc.

no matter how great or shitty my days are going, the thought of Her makes every day worthwhile.

there's no doubt i continue to behave like an asshole towards Her sometimes....i have a lot of really crappy post-asshole-relationship baggage i carry with me that's laced with a lot of anger....poor Her, i know but it's shedding slowly - yet, there is a noticeable change in me, ...thanks to Her.

i can't wait for Our wedding day, babe....yup, just over 80 days to go ;-)

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

no, i haven't vanished completely....

hey the hell have you all been??? it's been a while, i know :-(

been busy as hell - wedding plans and all
been on vacation - fantastic time but i had to get pissy with some folks - more on that later
been sick post vacation - what else is new?
been taking care of my girl
lots of lovin' to be had and shared ;-)

for now, however, i just want to send this to her....and to all of you lucky shits in love like We are....and if you're not, don't worry, your time WILL come....hey, it took 1/2 my life to find Her.

for you, baby....
(ps. thanks, Tam - this will DEF go on Our Wedding List)

My love
Your love
Has opened up a world I’ve never known
All hope
Was found
A place I never dreamed I would go
Feels like only yesterday I had locked my heart away
Safe behind a castle of stone
Sure I’d always be alone
Only you know how
To hear me through the silence
You reach a part of me that no one else can see
Forever true there’s only me and only you
Only me and you

In your face I trust
With you beside me I am standing strong
One truth
Two hearts
You took my life and made it beautiful
So you dared to let me shine
Even walk a step behind
Willingly you give yourself to me
Knowing who I was born to be
Only you know how
To hear me through the silence
You reach a part of me that no one else can see
Forever true there’s only me
And only you
Only me and you

Only you know how
To hear me through the silence
You reach a part of me that no one else can see
Forever true there’s only me
And only you
Only me and you