Thursday, February 25, 2010

a mother's role?

so, really, what IS a mother’s role in her children’s lives when she’s finally, after 20 yrs of depressive, abusive hell, been divorced for 9 yrs from the dead-weight cavity that spawned them???

honestly, W T F???

it took me such a long time to shed myself away from this bullshit life called a former marriage mistake….to distance myself from the nauseating drama from both him and his fucked up family – all of this before i had the courage to come out and be the true me.

it’s a miracle that i had these two great kids come out of such repulsive bullshit but i’m at the point now where i’m seriously going to lose it and i’m not sure what to do with all of this shit.

son: lives with me and partner in a good life now…he’s happy with us but visits the sperm donor (referred to as ‘sd’ for the balance of this blog) every second weekend, mostly to spend time with his sister and pet dog. comes back home usually frustrated and depressed, sick in his head & stomach from unhealthy eating options there and basically has no communication with his father because they share nothing in common.

daughter: lives with sd (again) – by choice – regardless of warnings from me and former-living-with-dad-red-flags. this arrangement is supposed to be beneficial for her as she saves money on outrageous rent fees, can accomplish her b.a.’s & degrees with her online university courses and will soon be getting a license to become a bankruptcy counsellor. benefits for pet dog are that he’s not left alone all day (grandmother is happy with his company) and he has a large backyard to run, piddle and poop in.

problem: both kids are stressed with sd’s fucked up behaviour, which they both knew i dealt with for 20 yrs prior to divorce. son would rather not say too much to his dad to avoid definite yelling & cursing blow up scene. daughter voices her opinions with no problems but is, also, trying to avoid definite yelling & cursing blow up scenes while still living there.

both unload on their stress & frustrations on me.

so, what do i do???

if i continue to listen to this shit about their loser father, it stresses and depresses me. if i don’t listen to it, i feel guilty about it like all hell and where, then, do my kids unload their stress about it?

my life is really good now…my life is where i’ve needed it to be for me even though it took ½ my life to find it….find Her.

i honestly don’t want nor need to hear all this fucking crap about a loser i had to put up with for 20 yrs – someone who literally pushed me to the edge of suicide and morose unhappiness, fear and loathing. i’m done with him and all his bullshit, especially since i divorced his sorry ass 9 yrs ago. but it kills me that he’s behaving in the same manner with his own kids and i can’t say fuck all about it. i’d LOVE to but it would only make things worse for my kids. and, really, he’s not my problem anymore…nor should he be.

i wonder then…..

am i being a bad mother if i don’t take on this unnecessary stress from them?

No comments:

Post a Comment