ok, it's fucking official now....i really really hate my body and all the curves that come with it!
it's been a detriment in my lesbian journey! how much louder do i need to scream:
I AM NOT A TOTAL FEMME!
I AM NOT A GIRLY-GIRL!
i can't make myself any more butch unless i get some fucking surgery and remove my tits, straighten out my waistline and cut off all my blonde curlies (on my head, you pervs) down to almost bald!
AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! and i don't mean a pirate yell! i'm just so pissed.
what's prompted this tirade of self-abuse?
and the last straw was one of my cute and sexy-with-a-booty-to-die-for milk-chocolate chickies who i haven't seen in a while.
we, walking to the subway together, chatting, catching up....she tells me "girl, you can never be butch with curves and hair like that, no matter how hard you try".
i know she didn't mean it as an insult but, fuck, i'm tired of this battle.
i DON'T walk like a femme
i DON'T act like a femme
i DON'T talk like a femme (except that i have a soft, apparently soothing, voice - can i post rolly eyes here??)
i DON'T dress like a femme
the fact that everyone tells me how femme i look pushes me deeper into self-doubt, self-hatred. i've worked so fucking hard at being me but i shouldn't HAVE to work at it....but i feel i HAVE to because of public opinion and that just fucking sucks ass
apparently (as per an earlier blog) there's a word for us inbetweeners * F U T C H*! (thanks Dani)
i feel like screaming some more but
i'll just say
i give up