it's been a detriment in my lesbian journey! how much louder do i need to scream:
I AM NOT A TOTAL FEMME!
I AM NOT A GIRLY-GIRL!
i can't make myself any more butch unless i get some fucking surgery and remove my tits, straighten out my waistline and cut off all my blonde curlies (on my head, you pervs) down to almost bald!
AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! and i don't mean a pirate yell! i'm just so pissed.
what's prompted this tirade of self-abuse?
friends have.
and the last straw was one of my cute and sexy-with-a-booty-to-die-for milk-chocolate chickies who i haven't seen in a while.
we, walking to the subway together, chatting, catching up....she tells me "girl, you can never be butch with curves and hair like that, no matter how hard you try".
i know she didn't mean it as an insult but, fuck, i'm tired of this battle.
i DON'T walk like a femme
i DON'T act like a femme
i DON'T talk like a femme (except that i have a soft, apparently soothing, voice - can i post rolly eyes here??)
i DON'T dress like a femme
the fact that everyone tells me how femme i look pushes me deeper into self-doubt, self-hatred. i've worked so fucking hard at being me but i shouldn't HAVE to work at it....but i feel i HAVE to because of public opinion and that just fucking sucks ass
apparently (as per an earlier blog) there's a word for us inbetweeners * F U T C H*! (thanks Dani)
i feel like screaming some more but
i'll just say
fuck it
i give up
I'm sorry you are having such a rough day. I know I feel for you, as someone with more than ample curves myself. I've tried short hair, I look like a dork. I wear jeans and t-shirts ALL the time, but I still look girly..maybe Futch is just something we need to live with, and learn to love?
ReplyDeleteHang in there...
OC
Will women ever be happy with themselves? I wonder this...because it is not just you that feels they are in a different body than they should be.
ReplyDeleteto OC....thank you....i don't mind the 'futch' look but fuck, i get real upset with i'm always called femme or feminine
ReplyDeletehmmm...how do i say this gently? um...as good a friend as others are, it's those same friends that have made very similar comments to me, even recently...i was trying to express how this truly makes me feel. nnnurrarr..right over the noggen.
ReplyDeleteno i got it...
ReplyDelete