the tears of men

when men cry, what does it mean?

for most men in the testosterone world, it shows weakness - the stupid adage that 'men shouldn't cry"...wtf is that all about? surprising at this next statement coming from me...but men are human, have emotions and weaknesses just like the mightier side of humanity, we amazing females ;-)

a few days have now passed since i originally wanted to write this blog and some of the raw emotions i felt that day have now passed but when i have a memory of the man i saw on the subway that day, i still feel a little tug at my heart

rocking out to my i-pod on the subway - this a necessity to drown out the irritating folk that are commonly found in a big city environment - i looked across from me. two dudes - each very different from the other - were seemingly enjoying a friendship banter. the one man was slight in body build and fairly well dressed in contrast to his much larger, hugely muscular buddy, more casually dressed in sports gear. my guess was they were both school staff, he a teacher, his friend a phys ed/football coach.

on a rare moment, i found the smaller dude kind of captivating as he appeared to be a gentle (rare), polite (even rarer), friendly person. his hands interested me as they reminded me of my dad's hands. not in the exact as my dad's but in the manner of their physical appearance. for some unknown odd reason, i found myself watching him. i couldn't hear what they were talking about but i knew it was of some intense subject due to their hand actions, nodding/shaking of heads. then i noticed...

his eyes were glossy, wet and red. he was quickly trying to wipe away tears falling from his eyes...

having seen that, this intense sadness washed over me without me knowing why...i just knew my heart hurt for whatever troubles he was clearly going through. i had this incredible urge to hug him because the pain that resonated from his eyes affected me immensely

every day i struggle to keep that humane side of me being witness to all the fucked up bullshit around me and i know this is a boring rendition of a minor event in every day life yet his immense sadness was a solid reminder for me to keep my compassion for humanity open

a sad yet simple reminder how others hurt just as much as i do

shit i hate...

this may be the start of a new extension of my blog..."shit i hate"

today, i have 2 for ya...

#1 picture this: i walk into our work washroom, about 10 cubicles to choose from...i always choose #2 cubicle if it's avail...and it was. so, i'm thinking, great, i can do my poop business before anyone might come in. not 2 freakin' seconds later, some twit comes in, interrupting the natural flow of the business which wouldn't haven't been so bad except the dooshbag (my version of this infamous name...don't argue with me) decides to park her ass into cubicle #....

3!!!!

W T F??? are you fucking serious...you have at LEAST 7 or 8 other cubicles to choose from but you just HAVE to use the one RIGHT beside me??? the picture: me, sitting on the toilet, pants around ankles, arms up in a WTF pose, mouthing those exact words...fuck, i hate that kind of shit

#2 how many of you were as put off by Brandy's fucked up behaviour on DWTS like me and wifey?? yeah, what a doosh she made of herself. totally relieved when she got her ass voted off...way to go american voters :-)

sitting on the subway home today, i happen to look over and see a replica of this singing self-absorbed diva...i had to control the urge to walk over and smack that same stupid look Brandy (and replica) has when she's pulling 'tude...sadly, can't find an image on it

ok, so that's a good start to 'shit i hate'

oh...there's a #3

#3 i hate when wifey and i are fighting :-(

"The Boy" knows how to cook!

wow...how forgetful am i??? oh my, he's now so insulted 'cause i didn't soon enough...anyhow...

Boy likes to cook a family meal on occasion to try out his culinary skills - Wifey and i certainly enjoy as he makes some amazing food

a few weeks ago, as he sometimes does, he randomly out of the blue asked if he could cook...We had Our taste buds enlightened with his own first-time success of right-from-scratch General Tso Chicken! *as my mouth involuntarily starts to drool*

so, huge kudos to Our Boy...below is a minimized version of the meal he cooked...

but i AM "nubby-nunu"

and You're Sobalactic noodle?? LOL

a fun-not-to-be-taken-serious spin on lesbian relationships - the first half of this vid is so similar to my wifey and i, We had a gut-wrenching laugh...

no other words needed...

Thanksgiving - Canadian Lesbian Style :-)

this year, TG was a bit different for sure. all around family decisions were that my mom would not have a TG dinner this year as we are all getting together anyhow for The Boy's big upcoming 18th birthday and since my mom had been putting in a lot more hours than usual into her funeral-catering p/t job, i thought she should take a well-deserved rest rather than cooking one of her wonderful family meals. plan was, then, to go only to M's family TG get together on Sunday which is about a 5 hr drive in total.

well, the nasty-ass fall i had last week, didn't allow for that either. so, as amazingly usual for my Woman, She decided to make Us a TG dinner but with a slightly different twist...kind of a one-pot meal deal. seems the idea light-bulbed into Her mind - but then again, She always comes up with wonderful ideas to cook food in different ways - a definite asset in a wife ;-)

Our meal was an authentic homestyle Thanksgiving dinner as shown below with all the fixin's 'n trimmin's required including the homemade cranberry sauce done up in one full swoop of a skillet...mmmm, yum!

in this lovely dish, We had a layered TG dinner with peas, potatoes, squash, chicken (meh, not much diff) with a layer of gravy smothered on top of it and then it was all topped off with (Her) Grammy's secret gourmet stuffing - oh my, each spoonful aromatized itself onto Our plates and into Our tummies - i had 3 servings! and, on the side, some more homemade gravy which melded the whole meal smoothly together.

We's had Ourselves a fiiiine Thanksgiving dinner, yes We's did :-)

Sponge-Mel-Square-Toes

LMAO...i'm sitting here in dire pain from my stupid-ass fall down the stairs the other night...yup, hard-ass, shiny, gleamy wooden stairs onto the next level of hard-ass, shiny, gleamy wooden floor with broken glass, water, vinegar bottle, box of baking soda (don't ask) all around me...was hard to convince my son and wifey that i DID NOT piss my pants, it was the water from the broken glass - but i'm sure they still don't believe me - anyhow, i'm sitting here now on my wifey's laptop since i can't stand or sit in a chair for more than 30 seconds, trying to recuperate, listening to my fav Elton song (Someone Saved My Life Tonight) when i remember Our laugh the other night and the beginnings of another blog.

although i absolutely LOVE Her feet - She has the sexiest feet i've ever had in a partner but i get a little laugh everytime i look at Her toes...so opposite my own...they're like little soldiers marching - lol. yes, i love my woman's feet & toes to be sure...and don't even get me started on those amazing, sexy hands/arms of Hers...wow **panting**

and, although She, Herself, has not been feeling well the past couple of weeks, She hasn't hesitated in looking after me since my fall. the next day after the fall, She stayed home from work to look after me all day. yesterday, before She went back to work, She shows up in Our room with a jug filled with ice water, a cooler bag with all kinds of goodies in it and a travel mug of tea, enough to last me until 'the boy' got home from school.

this morning, before She took the car in for brake repair, She brought me tea, bagel w/cream cheese and a Boston Cream donut.

I'm such a lucky woman :-)

I scratched my back with a fork...

and that’s how my day went...it’s weird the ‘tools’ we find to help us through some nasty-ass stuff when we don’t have the luxury of our Loved One helping us out – yeah, my Baby does amazing back scratches for me...mind you, i look like a raw piece of something after but it works!

i have this spot on my back that has a constant itch that gets SO bad, it drives me crazy. when She scratches it for me at home, i’m certain Our teenage son can definitely hear the loud groans of pleasure emitting from my mouth as She goes to town relieving my insane discomfort.

so, another nasty episode hits me while i’m at my desk at work...frantically looking for something to ease this fucker, i spot the fork and away i go...thankfully, no one was witness to this maniacal scene, especially since i’m still considered the NKOTB.

work...another sore spot with me these days...i’ve, stupidly maybe?, taken on an assignment at another office until the end of March next year. i’m into week 6 of my secondment but don’t feel any smarter about the processes here than day 1. wtf??

after 30+ years of working, this is all new shit to me...i’m not used to being on the learning end for one thing...it’s me that everyone’s been coming to for how to’s, advice, etc. – learning is good...but i feel like a total ‘tard for not having learned it all by my 2^nd week! (no derogatory intent to those in our society who are a wee bit slower in their thinking process).

the amounts and sources of information coming in daily are overwhelming to say the least. one of my key responsibilities on this job is to filter, delegate and disburse all incoming emails to my manager, she being the second highest in command of the place...we’re talkin’ anywhere from 200 to 400 per day! how am i supposed to know what the fuck to do with them all if i have NO clue what they’re all about??? yup, i know, i know...there’s a learning period for every job but this particular position CANNOT afford that kind of learning period...so, after numerous sleepless nights and several migraines, i think i’ll just make peace with myself knowing i’ll do the best i can under the circumstances...should be a little easier knowing now that i have the full support and understanding of top management staff and my related coworkers :-) ok, i’ll stick it out...i think ;-)

relationships...i see Her sexy hand on the passenger seat as i exit the car, knowing Her beautiful sparkling browns are looking at me walking away...She’s dropped me off at the subway station like We do every morning. most mornings, it takes all my resolve to NOT turn around, get back in the car and go back home with Her. it’s really hard leaving Her every morning so that both of Us can go to Our ho-hum jobs so We can meek through life with food, clothing, shelter and occasional entertaining. i was ready to give all that up...that relationship thing. i truly wanted to be single after i ended the last one...why the fuck bother with all the hassles and shit? but She changed all that...and even through the difficult days, when i feel all fucking hell is breaking loose and i feel like things are just too much for me, there She is, always with Her undying (i hope) love for me, Her amazingly sexy arms waiting to hold me...that touch...that touch is often all it takes to tame the beast inside of me...and that’s also why, when i’m just so damn angry, i won’t let Her touch me. but, i can’t resist long...so, into day 136? of Our wedded bliss, i toast You, Baby, for never giving up on me...on Us...even when i didn’t know it was going to be an Us.

ok, that's my report for now...saluting all you lovely lesbians out there

GREAT CHEESE but...

not everything :-(

so, wifey and i were in the area of this fab cheese shop we'd heard about on Toronto Living. We happened to be in the area over the long weekend and decided to drop in and see what kinds of delish cheeses We could leave with. ;-) 'cause wifey and i are most certainly cheeseLovers galore!

by recommendation of one of their 'cheese specialists' (dude was a wee bit on the weird side...caught him taking the broken slices of our order, chopping off the rind and hauling it into his yap like there was no tomorrow!), We bought some amazing Vieux Bruges Gouda - a smooth sliceable cheese with a spicy edge that melts amazingly on grilled cheese, westerns or just by itself alone on some nice cracked wheat bread! 'crackle, pop, mmmm, yum'!

cheese, however, is not all We spent Our hard-earned pennies on...alongside numerous other goodies, i spotted a beautiful green jar of Mint Sauce priced @ $7.99 but i thought, "hey, i've always wanted to find Mint Sauce already made" since i've had the privilege of eating it several times at a famous Indian restaurant...i, of course, didn't expect it to be the same as the restaurant style but i certainly wasn't expecting what i got when i opened the jar...

to my utter disappointment, it took 3 of us to even open the jar...once the jar was opened, a weird odour emitted and i noticed how it was 'just not right looking'...see what i mean below...

it looks like 'someone' had already eaten out of it...or it was just plain bad. all i know is...i can't eat my anticipated Mint Sauce.

being respectful, i'm not naming the store chain and i've cropped the receipt part although i do have other photos with a clear copy of the receipt.

i go to cheese company's website...living in the far north of TO and not having regular access to a vehicle, i was not about to venture via TTC-snail-mode plus umpteen buses to return an $8 product...i want to write to them and send them my photos of product-gone-wrong...well, conveniently, their website only allows for written communication through a form rather than actual email address...wtf?? can't send them any photos that way either, now can i??? makes me kind of suspicious as to how well they stand behind their products...

so...looks like i have no choice. i'm going back on their website - back to the form so i can send them the link to my blog, hoping they'll be kind and find some way of reimbursing me?

that would be nice :-)

Julia Child i'm not...

ok, so not only am i not great at online games but i've sadly discovered i'm no longer so great in the kitchen either! (especially since Honey and i have gotten together...She's a fucking amazing cook!)

huh...since turning 50 this year, it seems all my original talents (yes, including video games, online games, etc. and now cooking) have completely left me.

W T F???

my Baby's been away for the past few days, visiting her folks 'cause She has to, stupidly, use up her vaca time before the end of the year, unlike me, who can carry mine over into the next fiscal year. anyhow...

so, i want to bake something nice for Her return home today. visiting one of my fav cooking blogger's, i see sumzing totally delish to bake for Her...YUM (if you visit Rosa's page, it's the Pure Bliss Plum Focacia)

needing a few things to make this awesome food, last night "The Boy" and i hike over to the nearest grocery store together to buy the goods. i'm all pumped and ready to go this morning - nice and early @ 8:00 a.m. i read every instruction and figure it's not difficult at all. i start to make my focacia...this, of course, requires the preparation of a yeasty dough...

ok, for most of you, this isn't a big deal, making a dough with yeast but, as i was reminded quickly and bluntly, I have never been successful with anything that involves baking with yeast (gawd, don't even remind me of the pizza dough incident!)

i call my mom as i sadly, and angrily, look at what is supposed to be dough ready to knead, laying like some puked up leftovers on the counter (seriously, i was actually able to find an image of exactly what it looked like!)

thankfully, mom came to the rescue again as we shared a chuckle together that neither of us can bake with yeast...go figure. she gave me a 3 ingredient recipe for a crust that tastes fairly good so i was able to finish what i wanted to bake in the first place, only with a different type of dough.

meh, i could take a picture of how it turned out but i'm too freakin' tired from baking all morning...not only did i make the plum dessert, i baked two loaves of banana/apple bread and am, currently, baking a meatloaf for my Baby's homecoming. in between all that, i cleaned, did all the laundry, changed our (new! KING) bed and did about 10 loads of dishes during the course of the day so far...man, i really miss a dishwasher!

so let's just say, it turned out 'almost' like it was supposed to...

but really...wtf is happening to me?? i can't seem to put nothing together anymore...my mind is like an empty tomb of cobwebs where there used to be trillions of ideas for leftovers or some self-concocted amazing dish flowed from the brainage of my talents...none of that exists anymore and it's so damn frustrating! since my Baby moved in with "The Boy" and i last year, She's proven Herself quite the talented chefy and Boy is totally in love with Her food. it's been him and me for the past few days and if it hadn't been for the frozen pizzas, we'd have been in some hard way for food - ok, i DID manage to put together a totally delish egg sammie for him which he totally loved.

ok, enough whining...blame it on menopausal hormones

i officially HATE...

...BEJEWELED BLITZ on FB...fuck, i hate it. it's one of those games that makes you feel like a total inept 'tard 'cause you feel like you're just never good enough to beat the other bitches - what i mean by other bitches is the one's on my Baby's FB profile, neither of which i hold any warm feelings towards...oh, and one on my FB friends list who i only hold lukewarm comaraderie with - she ALWAYS seems to beat my ass every week :-( so the 'lukewarm' is swiftly turning to 'bitch cold' - blah.

someone PLEASE fucking tell me how these women get over 500,000 points EVERY fucking week??? the best i've ever done was about 450,000 and that was ONCE several months ago, never to be achieved again. i seem to, ineptly, average about 285,000 to 305,000 which, in itself, is not too shabby of a score but when you see others getting way beyond that, ya kind a wonder how the fuck they do it.

ok, enough said...i hate the fucking game...no big deal right? yeah, right.

%&$#ing game

a happy sammie :-)

so, wifey and i are sitting down for breakie this morning...i'm in a pissy mood and i'm feeling even shittier as i see Her trying hard to be non-chalant until i, basically, 'come around' to a better frame of mind...things just pissing me off all around and doesn't help that the menopausal period is now officially a week late...wtf?? couldn't be that i'm pregnant, right? lol

"honey, can i make you breakie this morning?" She asks. "no, i'm not hungry" comes a solemn reply.

but, in Her usual manner, She comes to the table with PB, 2 jams, 4 toasts and a jar of Cheez Whiz. Oh, no...She's going to make the gross concoction of a sammie that She's been telling me about for a while now! ewwwww, gross! Cheez Whiz & Jam??? W T F????

As She happily slathers on the Whiz and plops a good tsp full of berry jam on it, i' m about to empty the contents of my tummy when She lovingly turns to me and says "Baby, wanna try it? just a little bite?"...i take just a wee bite off the end of Her toast and...

wow...this is NOT bad at all...interesting but definitely not gross :-)

i get as adventurous as trying my own on 1/2 a toast - this time with Carrot Marmalade We picked up in St. Jacobs.

thinking this would be great blog material, i go in search of a Cheez Whiz & Jam image on Google...i don't find one BUT what i do find is even more interesting...

look at this! holy shit, are ya jivin' me?? LMAO....Cheez Whiz

try it...you may just like it ;-)

wrinkled love

yup...this is what i hope for in my married union

a loving, wrinkled hand providing a pat of comfort

a delicate, discrete stroking of love over my hand

or

vice versa

this morning, on the subway to work, an elderly Asian couple were sitting adjacent to me...from the corner of my eye, i see as his hand gently and so lovingly brushed over top and down his wife's hand...i couldn't help but smile and the thoughts above came to me

i LOVE seeing the love and dedication of elderly couples - straight or same-sex. it provides a glimmer of hope to my misanthropic attitude towards society.

just had to share

never hurts to acknowledge the positives in life, regardless of how small

a moment of poetry again

http://lostmybraintohormones.blogspot.com/

thoughts...

http://blindmindramblings.blogspot.com/

You

The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep
I need to tell you
Goodnight

When we're together, I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so (brown)
I can't look away
As we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me

"A", marry me
Promise you'll stay with me"
Oh you don't have to ask me
You know you're all that I live for
You know I'd die just to hold you
Stay with you
Somehow I'll show you
That you are my night sky
I've always been right behind you
Now I'll always be right beside you

So many nights I cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me, I love myself
I never thought I would say this
I never thought there'd be
You

the 'real' truth...finally

on the heels of my Big Day...married now 3 days ;-)

i keep 'checking in' with Hollywood Farm Girl - Melissa's (Etheridge) now-ex.

hoping for a glimpse at the real truth...not Melissa's truth.

today, i see it on Tammy-Lynn's blog...and i nod my head to my wife...'i knew it' i say

M says "no surprise", Melissa's been known to be a player for most of her years in the music business...but, really, this is downright shitty and cowardly of her

don't get me wrong...she's an amazing musical talent, i love her music, and there's always blame on both sides when a relationship/marriage falls apart but, in this case, i think her timing sucks hugely in releasing her new album...she's cut her marital ties, left behind a mess for the other to clean up and take the brunt of the blame publicly - meanwhile, Melissa's out there again strumming her guitar strings like there's no fucking tomorrow without any regard for the wake of her destruction...wtf?

still a lover of her music, it has, however, left her appeal definitely tarnished to this fan

it's sad...

'git 'er dun"...

LOL...yes, the 'big deed' is now done ;-)

WE got married yesterday, in a simple but VERY nice civil ceremony at Toronto City Hall.

it felt good to see a couple of Our friends take the time off work to be there for Us...it was heartwarming to see Her brother/his wife and my mom get all emotional during the ceremony...and, a nice surprise...my stepdad came at the end to congratulate Us...baby steps but steps nonetheless. my heart hurts for the rest of Her family who could not attend...they were all down with an insane strain of flu virus, including new baby Ben...but i'm mostly concerned for Her elderly parents whom this flu will be toughest on...thankfully, She set up the vid cam so they will be able to see the ceremony on Our next visit to them...

She liked Her surprise from me...i changed outfits before the ceremony started...became a bit more 'femme' for Her ;-)

fuck those heels suck shit big time LOL

at first, i was hesitant on the change of outfit deal 'cause i didn't want Her to feel like i was placing Her into the 'male' role of Our relationship...uh uh...that's not how We roll.

what gave me the idea, however, was that, in an earlier part of Our 'courting' days, i tried on a basic black summer dress one day and She literally went crazy horn-dog on me ;-) so i thought maybe She'd like me to dress a bit more girly for Her on Our day together. i also remember, pre-dating Her years, that Her blogs included fantasies with girly-femme-types so i thought this might get Her pumped a little more...

i know...quite wicked of me ;-)

this morning, We lay in bed together, admiring the new jewellery piece on Our fingers...a simple yet beautiful reminder of Our commitment to each other

ahhh...it feels just right...Mrs. and Mrs.

Our day...

so...could i BE anymore PUMPED, ya think??? LOL

yes, with approximately 7.5 days to go til i wed that sweet, sexy woman, i'm driving folks at work crazy...beaming non-stop from ear to ear like a giggly school girl

they ask me: 'are you nervous?'...um, not at all

how can i be when i know and FEEL in my heart, soul and yes, gut, that this IS the right life partner for me

they ask me: 'are you going to wear a dress?' WTF?? they obviously don't know me as much as they should...i DON'T wear dresses! jeesh!

they tell me: 'it's good to see you finally so happy in your life...you deserve it...you both deserve it' yes, i agree on both counts.

yes

i'm happy

and

excited

to wed my woman

overwhelming emotions

M and i went for an extended walk the other day, with B, to the other side of Harbourfront. soon We'll not have that opportunity so close to Us...We're moving in a few weeks...but that's another story (yay! Our first house together! ). i'll be so glad to be out of this cesspool of idiotic freaks but i will miss the Harbourfront...

anyhow, We walked down towards the malting company and decided to walk to the back of it, closer to the harbour and the water where, often, We see the long-tailed duckies swimming around and diving...they are SO cute

oh shit...

suddenly, as i walked past the malting building, an enormous wave of doom washed over me (and M)...as We continued to walk down the side of it, looking up at the ominous size reaching towards the sky, my body started to shake...

We continued to walk towards the back when M saw the first of them...a collection of statues facing towards the CN Tower but these were anything but ordinary statues...the artist designed them to appear destitute, frightened and at 'the end' of their lives...We were both emotional but i became so intensely sad at the aura these statues were emanating towards me, that i found myself crying like i had lost a loved one

We came back the next day, fighting the sudden onslaught of winds and bitter cold, with Our cameras...this, the story of Irish immigrants who came to Canada for a better life...their story is told in the rocks with their names inscribed...this park was especially designed to tell the world their story...

just because...

a fav musician of mine, Jonathan Rhys Meyers...in the wake of bad news today announcing the separation of Melissa and Tammy-Lynn, this song seems to stick in my head today...i'm very saddened by this latest split...

beautiful dancing song, babe...this weekend, ok?
muah!

and so the fear returns...

what does one do when years and years of past fear come screaming back at you from a source you wish you'd never known???

thinking back on my life from day 1, i mostly remember the main emotion in my heart and soul

F E A R

fear from my father...a fear, however, that hasn't existed for many years...he's made his bed and whatever the rest of that statement is...i have no contact with him

fear from the 'sperm donor' i refuse to acknowledge, verbally, as my 'ex' but someone non-existent, because he came from a life that has no connection to me now, with exception of my wonderful kids...a life that was mostly not of my choosing but, rather, as many of you can relate, forced upon me despite my inner desires, wants, needs and known happiness.

as i tearfully try to explain my fears to my children who only know the surface of my hell with their other parental unit, i try to mentally convince myself that he wouldn't really do anything stupid because he'd certainly lose his kids...they've assured me they would never want anything to do with him again...

but as soon as i rationalize this into my head, the gut-wrenching fears come rushing back because i KNOW this man like no other yet i really don't know him, if that makes sense. i've experienced his instability, his hateful emotions from non-existent self-esteem issues, his penchant for violence...no, he never laid a hand on me physically but destroyed so much within the perimeters surrounding me.

but it's the verbal threats that stick in my head...the one's he never acted on but this time, i dare not think he won't act on them, especially with THIS subject...my relationship with M...lesbians, homosexuality, queers, tranis, the gay community in general...and the fact that his son, more importantly, lives with M and i. not "our" son...HIS son. his son living with two lesbians...this is not good.

when my children were little, he always berated me that i was going to turn our son into a 'fag' because i was hugging and kissing him 'too much'...our son's nature isn't even close to being homosexual...he's happily straight but loves his mom and partner very much and has been supportive of our relationship and upcoming marriage...he's happy for his mom. he loves having M with us because we provide a happy and joyful environment for him...both my children have struggled with some of their own minor homophobic issues but have pushed them all aside for M and i because they see and know how happy we are together...they are happy for us...they remind me regularly that this is the first time, either of my them, have seen their mother truly and honestly happy and they love M because of who she is and how she treats them and, of course, me.

yet none of that matters to crazy man...i know how deep his hatred runs...the intensity of his homophobic thoughts and fears. his entire culture has the same thoughts and fears...and they've hurt people.

and not only because he's now discovered my secret but, to date, 9 yrs after the divorce, he still has issues and a deep-seeded hatred towards me for leaving him in the first place.

this, a man who will never admit he's done anything wrong or behaved inappropriately as a husband and father...even after both children have physically removed themselves from his residence to live either on their own or with me, and eventually, M.

why did fate put yesterday's scenario into such perilous hands?? my trying to hide this from him was futile...i fear now for both M and i...and for the children as well but not so much...i doubt he'd hurt them physically but my son will be berated and verbally bashed and probably to the point where he won't want to visit his father any further...but will that teach him a lesson?? no, sadly, it won't because, again, it won't be his fault in his own fucked up head. it's always someone else to blame, never him.

but how do i now protect my M?? will we now have to constantly look over our shoulders each and every day??

i hate this...i hate having to deal with this fucking fear he, once again, manages to instill in me. another way for him to control me. fuck, why can't he just leave me - Us - alone and let our lives go on. concentrate on his own life with his own new piece of ass that he seems to love so much???

i don't have any answers...yet.