same old treatment...one of many troubles with the dude-species

so...for 51+ years, i've been wondering...is it me??

is it them??

is there even an answer??

coming home on the subway - after a long day of training staff, i'm freakin' tired, going home later than my usual time. it's after 4 pm and the subway is insanely busy already...i have a long ride home and DO NOT feel like standing...

seeing a spot...tight but free nonetheless...i proceed to sit - middle seat on a 3-seater bench...

between 2 business dudes sitting on either end of bench with legs...

crossed, dude-style

come-the-fuck-on...

you see the subway is busy...you KNOW people are going to want to sit...if this was a stupid typical dude ploy to think no one would dare want to sit down in the middle just because you're too rude and arrogant to sit properly, you had not yet discovered the effects of...

me

seeing the one rare empty seat left, i headed straight for it, a curt and loud "excess me gentlemen" and down i sat...

of course, because of the way they were sitting, it was a tight squeeze and neither one clearly was not willing to make any room for me, i accidentally knocked dude #1's sunglasses out of his jacket pocket to which he tapped me on the shoulder and gestured with his hand the implorable mistake i had just made in knocking off his $300.00 sunglasses out of his Gucci suit pocket.

not giving a shit about it since they were blatantly rude to me from the start, i continued listening to my music and playing games on my phone at which point dude #1 gets up and moves over to stand in front of dude #2 to 'chat'.

being courteous that i usually am, i removed my headphones, looked at him and politely apologized for having knocked down his sunglasses.

of course, with the arrogance that i knew would follow, his condescending 'thank you' only infuriated me further at just having apologized to someone who was, from the beginning, rude and disrespectful to me.

after he thanked me, i looked at him and bluntly said, "oh you are very welcome yet you find it difficult to apologize to me for you and your friend's rude behaviour towards me in the first place? it doesn't take a genius to figure out that this subway car is crazy busy, you know someone is going to want to sit down yet you cannot even have the most basic common courtesy to make room for someone to sit?? that, sir, makes you both the assholes of the day...enjoy the rest of your day."

headphones back on.

2 stops later, dude #1 gets off the subway, dude #2 shortly follows...

yes, i stood my ground...again

and again

and again

like i have to each and every day

but some damage occurred in that transaction because it only brought back several decades of ill-treatment towards me from most of the men in my life since birth.

on the bus ride home it took a lot for me to 'rebuild' myself again before i saw wifey and Boy...each time a man decides to cut me to shit from the smallest action to downright calling me foul names in public, it takes a piece of me that is damn hard to put back together.

it's like i have to start over each time.

i'm so tired of having to start over...i'm so tired of so many digging away at my soul and thinking that's ok.

good day? bad day?

today was mostly uneventful as (mentioned in prior blog) i was hiding from the world today...

ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:

not sure...there were several, i'd say...at some point today i heard a shit load of angry horns from cars and trucks outside our townhouse complex and folks yelling in angry tones...so, yeah, several assholes of the day today

NICE PERSON OF THE DAY:

hands down, The Boy, my/our son...he knows when to make me laugh when i need it and he's an awesome cook

PEACEFUL MOMENT OF THE DAY:

sitting at my 'puter with a fresh cup of French Press enjoying the brief silence before all the fucking noises of the day start

STRESSFUL MOMENT OF THE DAY:

hearing the constant banging shit noise from next door...it just never fucking stops, even during the day

WORST MEMORY OF THE DAY:

really? can't think of one? guess not today

BEST MEMORY OF THE DAY:

my wife's sexy look in my direction

good day? bad day?

since today is seemingly a write-off as i decided to turn around and come back home and hide from the world rather than face the daily nasty grind of Toronto, i'll reflect back on yesterday as a start...

ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:

dude...i've been standing on this platform for almost 5 minutes now, waiting for the subway train...really, who the fuck are you to just shove your ugly ass in front of me out of nowhere and enter the subway car first??? you're rude and arrogant and now you proved yourself to be an asshole

NICE PERSON OF THE DAY (aside from my wifey and son):

Mariela...thank you for saying, with your Spanish accent, "when you mention about getting hot flashes it only means that you are hot-looking"

PEACEFUL MOMENT OF THE DAY:

falling asleep while the rain, soft thunder and lightning continue outside the open window

STRESSFUL MOMENT(s) OF THE DAY:

1. bus ride home...trying to get out of the fucking bus at my stop through throngs of people who just HAVE to block the exits

2. finally had enough noise stress from the screaming kids and barking dogs, loudly heard through CLOSED windows, to force me to hide in our bedroom upstairs

WORST MEMORY OF THE DAY:

the fishy stench from IT dude's lunch and his slamming the microwave door shut just above my head...fuck, he's such a loser

BEST MEMORY OF THE DAY:

the lasting feeling of my wife's soft, warm lips from her kiss when she drops me off at the station

introduction to: good day? bad day?

thought i'd start a new kind of rambling (to follow this blog)...how each (or most) of my days go by. kind of like my own personal diary although not the best forum for privacy.

lately, each day has been more difficult than usual and i'm finding it harder to get through them - even though i have amazing people in my life like my wifey, my kids, my mom/stepdad...but they don't always see nor understand the turmoil, or as i prefer to call it, "clusterfuck", inside of me...in the words of a talented artist i guess "I Was Born This Way". i, personally, believe that i am too sensitive a nature to survive the harshness of this world and it scares the fuck out of me. i'll have periods of time where it (the clusterfuck) will just simmer below the surface and then, unexpectedly, come back with a vengeance i don't always understand...it throws me down into the depths of darkness like i'm in for the fight of my life. and on those days, i actually feel like i am.

like yesterday, the day before, today and the last several months...today i felt i just couldn't face the downtown Toronto life again as i found myself wiping tears that i couldn't seem to control. so i turned around and went back home before i reached work...i've been in self-defense mode for a few years now since i moved here, living in this cold, harsh and unfriendly city. it erodes a piece of me each day as i constantly have to stand my ground to assholes and idiots as they push, shove, scream, yell, step on you to get to where THEY need to go...yup, it's all about them in this place...no one else around them matters. i've tried being myself...nice, friendly, polite, looking out for the underdog...but it's gotten me nowhere and doesn't change anything nor anyone.

it doesn't matter what part of this city you live in...there's some kind of total loser, always, right next door. i've moved several times...like yearly now...and it's made no difference. wifey's moved several times...almost yearly...before we hooked up and found the same problem. we've now moved into a place together, a cute little home, and have a total asshole for a neighbor again...it makes NO difference...the percentages are over the top that you will end up with someone living above, underneath, beside, behind or across from you that makes your home life just that more unpleasant and stressful...it's no longer possible to expect peace and quiet after a long hard day at work.

i'm on stress alert 24/7...i'm stressed on the subway to work because there is always at least one rude or idiotic person to start the day off wrong , i'm stressed at work but probably still a place i'm the least stressed, i'm stressed on the subway/bus ride home because it's insanely crowded and LOUD all the time, i'm stressed at home because of the neighbors and the fucking screaming kids that goes on for hours...we can't sit outside, we can't sit in our living room...noise noise noise NOISE all the time...it NEVER stops...i can never relax anymore unless we are out of the city...like our jaunts to St. Jacob's farmer's market, our roaming K-W, our road trips to small towns around Ontario...

the option of moving is, sadly, not an option for now. i promised wifey no more moving right now...at least not for the summer. but even if we did move...would it make a difference? probably not 'cause we'll just end up with some other asshole causing problems.

i think wifey is right...it's not even about homophobia or personal dislike...it's a general self-centered, disrespectful attitude towards everyone and each other. Torontonians seem to have this fucked up attitude that they can do, live, talk, yell, party in any manner they want without any regard of how it affects those around them 'cause no one gives a shit about anyone...and to add to all of this bullshit, the city is now headed by an arrogant, homophobic, boorish nut case by the name of Rob Ford...oh wow...it's only going to get worse. briefly off topic: PRIDE will, again, get fucked over this year because now he too thinks he can dictate on who is allowed to be in the parade and who isn't.

i'm not naturally a mean, mouthy, nasty bitch but having to deal with this shit each and every day has turned me into the same kind of citizen of this city that i find repulsive and angry towards because that's the ONLY way to survive it. problem is, having to behave this way every day finally takes its toll and beats you down.

that's how i feel...beaten down and defeated. i feel like there is no escape from the madness and that's how my/our life will be, especially as i get closer to my own retirement years...difficult and stressful...as i try to survive through all the shit but i can't keep the defenses up 24/7...i need a break...i need nice and friendly, warm and compassionate...i need humans with heart and soul...the world needs more of those humans too

enough said

a “wtf???” moment...

gawd, just freakin’ shoot me and put me out of this perimenopause b.s. misery!

this is insane...i am NO longer the person i used to be

it’s driving me crazy...

i’m now this blithering, sappy, wimpy thing

that cries at anything...everything

everything that’s said to me is taken on the defensive and sends me into cry-baby mode

kinda hard to maintain my hard-ass reputation these days when everything brings on the waterworks

poor Wifey...doesn’t know wtf to do with me these days...walking on eggshells ‘cause She never knows which of my U.S.ofTara personalities is going to come at Her

nobody warns you about this shit

oh, yeah, you hear stories but no one ever tells you how difficult the journey into the next phase of your life is actually going to be

and then there’s my mom...breezed through the whole damn shit with nothing but hot flashes

f*ck...really??

i see the ‘easy menopause’ skipped a freakin’ generation and hit me square in the female kahunas (#3).

so, ladies, if you haven’t already hit the messy phase of your life, take a deep breath and get ready to ride a tsunami wave of hell if your family genes are so predisposed...

and for those of you who haven’t or won’t experience this hell, fuckin’ hats off to ya! consider yourself one of the few lucky ones

random gripe & whine time...pay no attention

‘cause no one else does...

is it the weather?? freakin’ clouds & rain & snow...wtf is snow still doing here???
is it the month?? blah, March
is it the hormones?? blah, perimeno time
is it the asshole rude, cold people of this glorious city we’re doomed to live in??
is it life in general??

or is it just all of the above??

i’m feeling really...really...blue these days

more than just blue...i hate myself

there’s nothing i like about myself anymore

if this is the onset to menopause, fuck, it’s going to be a long nasty ride

honestly
my self-esteem is non-existent...

i feel stupid
and fat
and ugly

i snore now, too
enough that one of us, sometimes, has to sleep in the spare bedroom

my brain doesn’t work anymore
i can’t process a simple thought
never mind trying to pass any upcoming tests for work competitions

i’m having heart problems
hopefully only a simple arrhythmia
or is that ever a simple thing?

the nether regions have decided to do some nasty shit to me the last few months
huh, you can imagine what that does to our sex life :-(
never mind the toll it continues to have on my body

and then lets add a fallen bladder, onset of leg/foot swelling and old, grey, uber-short hair cut to that scenario
oh, wow, aren’t i just a fucking joy to be with

so...
when another dyke blatantly goes after my wife, repeatedly
or when long-standing friends continuously whine about growing my blonde curlies back
or when a simple task such as looking into the mirror and feeling disgust at the image back,
all kinds of ugly rear their heads inside of me
and further bashes the non-existing self-esteem

is it possible to go into a self-esteem credit balance???

gawd, if that’s the case, it’s going to take a long time to go from red to black

last year...it was a not-too-shabby year...

i turned 50, an age i wasn’t (until now) afraid of
i got married to the most amazing fucking woman in the world
we got our first house together
we formed a nuclear new family together, including “Boy” and “Dog”
and, overall, i felt fairly ok healthwise

and then it all just fell to shit
for me, anyhow

i’ll be 51 this year – a year i’m not happy about so far
i’m still married to the most amazing fucking woman in the world
love our house, hate our asshole neighbors who don’t know what “respect” and “peace &
quiet” are as their little asshole rugrats run/jump/pound all freakin’ day
long!
our family is now sadly missing one of the nuclear...our “Dog”...rest peacefully, Beezie
Girl - xoxo
“Boy” really needs to get his life going...get a job, get a girlfriend, get away from PS3!
(i love him to no end, but, come-the-fuck-on...dude, it’s time!)
and
overall, i feel worse, physically-emotionally-mentally, than a piece of shit stuck on the bottom of a shoe

i thought a good, short hair style would help me feel better...yes, i love my cut but now i’ve got a great style on a stupid, fat, ugly body

wifey doesn’t understand why i say “NO photos on FB!”

i really have no right to bitch & whine like this
the outside perimeter of my life isn’t too fucking bad at all
especially with wifey by my side

it’s the inside perimeter i’m worried about
the inner turmoil and struggle to like myself again

my brainage is still intact enough to know that this comes from no one else but
me

i just don’t know how

where to grasp the resources from since there are no resources to grasp from

btw...as i’m eating my sinful side of chips with my salmon sammie...save yourself some $$ and do NOT buy Sun Chips, Farmhouse White Cheddar flavour...fuck yuck

Baby...

"Lucky"

It was a monday, when my lover told me,

"never pay the reaper with love only."

What could i say to you, except, "i love you."

And "i'd give my life for yours."

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.

The first time we made love, i... i wasn't sober.

(and you told me you loved me over and over!)

How could i ever love another, when i miss you every day...

Remember the time we made love in the roses?

(and you took my picture in all sorts of poses!)

How could i ever get over you, when i'd give my life for yours.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.

My dear, It's time to say i thank god for you.

I thank god for you in each and every single way.

And, i know... i know.. i know.. i know...

It's time to let you know. time to let you know.

Time to let you know. time to sit here and say...

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.

We are the lucky ones, dear...

addendum: Happy Love Day...

hmmm, not so much

it's now 6:16 p.m.

the day did not get any better

if i didn't know any better, i'd swear there's a full moon which would explain all the assholes everywhere today...

but, then, again, what's the excuse for all the other days?

but, at least my worry for #1 is gone now - wifey's aches/pains could be a simple explanation of a flu bug according to a coworker that has same symptoms....whew, ok, that's better

but...

means we need to cancel V.D. outing after work...not such a bad thing since we've been celebrating this Day since Friday ;-)

treated myself to an outing of lunch even though budget warrants NO eating out for a while...but, hey, fuck it...needed to do something to cheer myself up...so, had trusty yummy Japanese food...so tasty avocado-seafood salad & veggie/shrimp tempura to go...

came home, snuggied with wifey...more of that later too...and am trying to stay positive as i feel my own symptoms in the tum start gurgling away...

ah shit

but...

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ALL YOU LOVELIES

;-)

you call this a Happy Love day??

today definitely warrants a blog entitled something like “Happy Fucking Valentines Day”...hahaha (i’m not really laughing – actually, i feel like leaving and hiding in bed all day)...

today was anything but a romantic start to this supposedly special day for lovers all around...it doesn’t really help when...

1. i’m frantically worried for my wifey with symptoms in the past few days that too-scarily resemble about-to-explode-appendicitis but stubborn as the ram she is, won’t go see about it because, apparently, it’s nothing to worry about while i watch her limp around the room, moan in pain during the night and can barely get out of bed the next morning...yup, nothing to freakin’ worry about

2. getting stuck at the infamous Yonge/Bloor subway platform only to find out, suddenly, that our train, moving at a quick southbound pace to my WORK is now going to be making a northbound route AWAY from my employment destination with no explanation until AFTER it’s already too late as i’m frantically trying to find my way around in a subway station i’m not even remotely familiar with. TTC dudes, lets not rush TOO much to inform your passengers W T F is going on...no, that would be asking WAY too much of our infamous subway system in the big GTA of Toronto...after asking a thankfully informed passenger of what was happening, i finally found my way to the top of the street whereby i was supposed to find one of those amazing “shuttle buses” we sorry-ass-prisoners-to-the-transit in Toronto are supposed to rely on when things fuck up on the subway line – and nary a day goes by when they don’t. yes, welcome, subway passenger #1-million-and-endless to the quickly growing throng of miserable-already-pissed-off passengers waiting to push, step on and swing-a-violent-arm-at-ya passengers crowding onto one of those shuttle buses. i had to wait for bus #5? before i could get on...shockingly enough, i kept my temper in check...by this time, i was 30 minutes late for work and still had several blocks to ride before my stop. thankfully, i had a nice, friendly (oh so rare in TO) lady to chat with on the way down..again, contrary and not within my norm of the day as i usually have a strict rule of no talking in the morning...its headphones and music all the way – usually.

3. finally at work, it takes another 4 reboots to get my recently-replaced HD to boot up...wtf? not again! if they have to change this one, it will be my 6^th HD in the 3 yrs i’ve been in this particular position...this is what the govn’t calls their recycling program...let’s just keep giving the employees the shitty PC systems that break down – yes, of course...WAY better efficiency in that line of thinking.

4. so now that i can actually read my emails and my bosses v/mail on my phone actually makes sense, i now have to find the brainage material to respond to a job offer that i agreed to several months ago but am no longer interested in taking, especially since it’s only for 2 weeks rather than the 12 months they originally had in mind...honestly, it’s not even feasible to disrupt my current job and my Team/Unit for a lousy 2 week assignment in a position that’s only parallel to my current job now.

5. so now i’m looking forward to having my breakfast...what, 2 hrs after my usual time...boil the kettle, make the lovely toasted bagel w/cream cheese & jam...looking forward to my peaceful green tea experience...well, fuck, that ain’t going to happen today either as i watch hot water seeping out of the bottom of my cute little Asian tea pot, leaking all over the desk, the phone, the floor...holy shit, this day just keeps getting better...

stay tuned...it’s only 10:13 a.m.

let’s see what the rest of this bullshit day holds in store

inspired once again...

i’ve been refuelled, so to speak…a spark of life has been reignited inside of me thanks to a sexy, adorable yet fierce little spitfire that is one of my wifey’s employees…we, all 3 of us, and let’s not forget the Samster as well, sharing an insane passion for photography…the same passion that, over 2 yrs ago, my then-only-friend-now-wife discovered in me with her own amazing energies on a mere across-Canada visit ;-)

For anonymity’s sake i’ll refer to the little spitfire as ‘muffin tops’ or MT ;-)

MT sent me a link on FB about an unknown, untapped street photographer and her story…so far. there is, it seems, far more to discover of this incredibly talented, now deceased, woman.

to Vivian Maier…had you still lived, i would have happily flown to Chicago just to shake your hand and give you an immense hug of gratitude and respect. your photography has left me breathless with a passion to relaunch my own photographic pursuits that have, sadly, been too long lacking. (below, Vivian herself)

it’s exactly her style of photography that i want to hone my skills at. her and many others…of course, there’s the well known (and one of wifey’s favs), Diane Arbus. add to this impressiveness the likes of Harry Callahan, Garry Winogrand, Helen Levitt and wifey's latest awareness to me, Lana Slezic (sorry, can no do the required symbols for true cultural name) . wow *sigh*

not that my wifey doesn’t instil passion in me…but that’s in a different category ;-)

we’ve both been so insanely busy with every day life and it’s turmoils and annoyances that we’ve nary had a moment to share our much loved photography jaunts…did i REALLY say nary? i am getting old.

but the every day hassles of dealing with difficult people, every-fucking-where, is tiring me out and sending me into the blue zone of depression. some days, not even my gorgeous wifey can drag me out of the pits.

so, when i saw the FB share from MT and i started watching the video, a new spark took hold. i’m now on a frenzied knowledge hunt to absorb and learn all my wee middle-aged brain can absorb about this photographer…and others who share the same passion for street photography. i, hoping to be a mere drop in this pool of incredible talent.

hey wifey, we’s has some exploring to do…strap it on, baby, and let’s go!

below, some of my fav shots from Vivian and Harry:

Vivian...

Harry Callahan...