Thursday, March 10, 2011

random gripe & whine time...pay no attention

‘cause no one else does...


is it the weather?? freakin’ clouds & rain & snow...wtf is snow still doing here???
is it the month?? blah, March
is it the hormones?? blah, perimeno time
is it the asshole rude, cold people of this glorious city we’re doomed to live in??
is it life in general??

or is it just all of the above??

i’m feeling really...really...blue these days

more than just blue...i hate myself

there’s nothing i like about myself anymore

if this is the onset to menopause, fuck, it’s going to be a long nasty ride

honestly
my self-esteem is non-existent...

i feel stupid
and fat
and ugly

i snore now, too
enough that one of us, sometimes, has to sleep in the spare bedroom

my brain doesn’t work anymore
i can’t process a simple thought
never mind trying to pass any upcoming tests for work competitions

i’m having heart problems
hopefully only a simple arrhythmia
or is that ever a simple thing?

the nether regions have decided to do some nasty shit to me the last few months
huh, you can imagine what that does to our sex life :-(
never mind the toll it continues to have on my body

and then lets add a fallen bladder, onset of leg/foot swelling and old, grey, uber-short hair cut to that scenario
oh, wow, aren’t i just a fucking joy to be with

so...
when another dyke blatantly goes after my wife, repeatedly
or when long-standing friends continuously whine about growing my blonde curlies back
or when a simple task such as looking into the mirror and feeling disgust at the image back,
all kinds of ugly rear their heads inside of me
and further bashes the non-existing self-esteem

is it possible to go into a self-esteem credit balance???

gawd, if that’s the case, it’s going to take a long time to go from red to black

last year...it was a not-too-shabby year...

i turned 50, an age i wasn’t (until now) afraid of
i got married to the most amazing fucking woman in the world
we got our first house together
we formed a nuclear new family together, including “Boy” and “Dog”
and, overall, i felt fairly ok healthwise

and then it all just fell to shit
for me, anyhow

i’ll be 51 this year – a year i’m not happy about so far
i’m still married to the most amazing fucking woman in the world
love our house, hate our asshole neighbors who don’t know what “respect” and “peace &
quiet” are as their little asshole rugrats run/jump/pound all freakin’ day
long!
our family is now sadly missing one of the nuclear...our “Dog”...rest peacefully, Beezie
Girl - xoxo
“Boy” really needs to get his life going...get a job, get a girlfriend, get away from PS3!
(i love him to no end, but, come-the-fuck-on...dude, it’s time!)
and
overall, i feel worse, physically-emotionally-mentally, than a piece of shit stuck on the bottom of a shoe

i thought a good, short hair style would help me feel better...yes, i love my cut but now i’ve got a great style on a stupid, fat, ugly body

wifey doesn’t understand why i say “NO photos on FB!”

i really have no right to bitch & whine like this
the outside perimeter of my life isn’t too fucking bad at all
especially with wifey by my side

it’s the inside perimeter i’m worried about
the inner turmoil and struggle to like myself again

my brainage is still intact enough to know that this comes from no one else but
me

i just don’t know how
where to grasp the resources from since there are no resources to grasp from

btw...as i’m eating my sinful side of chips with my salmon sammie...save yourself some $$ and do NOT buy Sun Chips, Farmhouse White Cheddar flavour...fuck yuck

2 comments:

  1. It will get better. It's been a long-ass winter, but spring has to come eventually, right? I'm with you on the perimeno thing. it sucks.

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  2. Oh the joys of a Lesbain Woman Aging...
    You are right in the fact that I am always by your side Babe...and yes, we are dealing with some stress and sadness and frustration right now...but like you said yesterday - we will do our best to motivate each other and try and put a positive spin on things.
    As for old dyke looking at me...it doesn't matter who looks at me or you...whether they are young or old, hot or not, You are my Wife and visa versa...nothing will change that with the love and connection we have. I Love YOU and You love ME and lets just work on getting us in tune and F*** the rest, yes?
    Let's focus on making our life what we want it to be...one step at a time...OXO

    ReplyDelete