same old treatment...one of many troubles with the dude-species

so...for 51+ years, i've been wondering...is it me??

is it them??

is there even an answer??

coming home on the subway - after a long day of training staff, i'm freakin' tired, going home later than my usual time. it's after 4 pm and the subway is insanely busy already...i have a long ride home and DO NOT feel like standing...

seeing a spot...tight but free nonetheless...i proceed to sit - middle seat on a 3-seater bench...

between 2 business dudes sitting on either end of bench with legs...

crossed, dude-style

come-the-fuck-on...

you see the subway is busy...you KNOW people are going to want to sit...if this was a stupid typical dude ploy to think no one would dare want to sit down in the middle just because you're too rude and arrogant to sit properly, you had not yet discovered the effects of...

me

seeing the one rare empty seat left, i headed straight for it, a curt and loud "excess me gentlemen" and down i sat...

of course, because of the way they were sitting, it was a tight squeeze and neither one clearly was not willing to make any room for me, i accidentally knocked dude #1's sunglasses out of his jacket pocket to which he tapped me on the shoulder and gestured with his hand the implorable mistake i had just made in knocking off his $300.00 sunglasses out of his Gucci suit pocket.

not giving a shit about it since they were blatantly rude to me from the start, i continued listening to my music and playing games on my phone at which point dude #1 gets up and moves over to stand in front of dude #2 to 'chat'.

being courteous that i usually am, i removed my headphones, looked at him and politely apologized for having knocked down his sunglasses.

of course, with the arrogance that i knew would follow, his condescending 'thank you' only infuriated me further at just having apologized to someone who was, from the beginning, rude and disrespectful to me.

after he thanked me, i looked at him and bluntly said, "oh you are very welcome yet you find it difficult to apologize to me for you and your friend's rude behaviour towards me in the first place? it doesn't take a genius to figure out that this subway car is crazy busy, you know someone is going to want to sit down yet you cannot even have the most basic common courtesy to make room for someone to sit?? that, sir, makes you both the assholes of the day...enjoy the rest of your day."

headphones back on.

2 stops later, dude #1 gets off the subway, dude #2 shortly follows...

yes, i stood my ground...again

and again

and again

like i have to each and every day

but some damage occurred in that transaction because it only brought back several decades of ill-treatment towards me from most of the men in my life since birth.

on the bus ride home it took a lot for me to 'rebuild' myself again before i saw wifey and Boy...each time a man decides to cut me to shit from the smallest action to downright calling me foul names in public, it takes a piece of me that is damn hard to put back together.

it's like i have to start over each time.

i'm so tired of having to start over...i'm so tired of so many digging away at my soul and thinking that's ok.