lately, each day has been more difficult than usual and i'm finding it harder to get through them - even though i have amazing people in my life like my wifey, my kids, my mom/stepdad...but they don't always see nor understand the turmoil, or as i prefer to call it, "clusterfuck", inside of me...in the words of a talented artist i guess "I Was Born This Way". i, personally, believe that i am too sensitive a nature to survive the harshness of this world and it scares the fuck out of me. i'll have periods of time where it (the clusterfuck) will just simmer below the surface and then, unexpectedly, come back with a vengeance i don't always understand...it throws me down into the depths of darkness like i'm in for the fight of my life. and on those days, i actually feel like i am.
like yesterday, the day before, today and the last several months...today i felt i just couldn't face the downtown Toronto life again as i found myself wiping tears that i couldn't seem to control. so i turned around and went back home before i reached work...i've been in self-defense mode for a few years now since i moved here, living in this cold, harsh and unfriendly city. it erodes a piece of me each day as i constantly have to stand my ground to assholes and idiots as they push, shove, scream, yell, step on you to get to where THEY need to go...yup, it's all about them in this place...no one else around them matters. i've tried being myself...nice, friendly, polite, looking out for the underdog...but it's gotten me nowhere and doesn't change anything nor anyone.
it doesn't matter what part of this city you live in...there's some kind of total loser, always, right next door. i've moved several times...like yearly now...and it's made no difference. wifey's moved several times...almost yearly...before we hooked up and found the same problem. we've now moved into a place together, a cute little home, and have a total asshole for a neighbor again...it makes NO difference...the percentages are over the top that you will end up with someone living above, underneath, beside, behind or across from you that makes your home life just that more unpleasant and stressful...it's no longer possible to expect peace and quiet after a long hard day at work.
i'm on stress alert 24/7...i'm stressed on the subway to work because there is always at least one rude or idiotic person to start the day off wrong , i'm stressed at work but probably still a place i'm the least stressed, i'm stressed on the subway/bus ride home because it's insanely crowded and LOUD all the time, i'm stressed at home because of the neighbors and the fucking screaming kids that goes on for hours...we can't sit outside, we can't sit in our living room...noise noise noise NOISE all the time...it NEVER stops...i can never relax anymore unless we are out of the city...like our jaunts to St. Jacob's farmer's market, our roaming K-W, our road trips to small towns around Ontario...
the option of moving is, sadly, not an option for now. i promised wifey no more moving right now...at least not for the summer. but even if we did move...would it make a difference? probably not 'cause we'll just end up with some other asshole causing problems.
i think wifey is right...it's not even about homophobia or personal dislike...it's a general self-centered, disrespectful attitude towards everyone and each other. Torontonians seem to have this fucked up attitude that they can do, live, talk, yell, party in any manner they want without any regard of how it affects those around them 'cause no one gives a shit about anyone...and to add to all of this bullshit, the city is now headed by an arrogant, homophobic, boorish nut case by the name of Rob Ford...oh wow...it's only going to get worse. briefly off topic: PRIDE will, again, get fucked over this year because now he too thinks he can dictate on who is allowed to be in the parade and who isn't.
i'm not naturally a mean, mouthy, nasty bitch but having to deal with this shit each and every day has turned me into the same kind of citizen of this city that i find repulsive and angry towards because that's the ONLY way to survive it. problem is, having to behave this way every day finally takes its toll and beats you down.
that's how i feel...beaten down and defeated. i feel like there is no escape from the madness and that's how my/our life will be, especially as i get closer to my own retirement years...difficult and stressful...as i try to survive through all the shit but i can't keep the defenses up 24/7...i need a break...i need nice and friendly, warm and compassionate...i need humans with heart and soul...the world needs more of those humans too