Friday, July 3, 2009

reality check

it's early....i'm on my way out soon to start my busy day
my bi-weekly day off.
i will be leaving in a bad state of mind.....

my heart races with uncontrollable fears

and a severly non-existent self-esteem

that feeling of worthlessness has bitten me in my ass again
and with more health issues that suddenly creeped into this aging cavity i call my body.

this morning i woke to a major fucking reality check
of my life
of me

my worries that this would happen to me

are now a reality

a heartfelt 'i'm sorry' to......
but i can't explain

i'm nowhere near being a happy girl

as much as i hate to say it, maybe my ex is right....

i only put bandages on the issues in my life

and i don't allow anyone near enough to make me happy

despite my knowing, SHE (ex) did not allow me to be happy near the end

so i had to escape

and now i want to escape again

i just want to stay in my room and cry
i just want to fade away
remain invisible

i so wish i could


  1. Sending the hug you gave me earlier this week right back to you today.

    It will get better.

    Remember, from the core of you, who you are...

    I hope the health issues you speak of are mended quickly.

  2. i warmly accept your hug Camlin...i honestly dislike admitting what a failure i feel i am and i wish i could draw from that core, my dear friend

    maybe if i can get my shit together, the health issues will resolve themselves.

  3. I know where you are at. It's a long agonizing journey. But I keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end. It's the whole reason I started my blog. And I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

  4. I've found that my priority has to be me. Taking care of myself and loving the person I am first, made it so much easier and healthier to bring someone into my life.
    Focus on yourself and you'll be surprised on how the other shit will fall into place.