it's early....i'm on my way out soon to start my busy day
my bi-weekly day off.
i will be leaving in a bad state of mind.....
my heart races with uncontrollable fears
and a severly non-existent self-esteem
that feeling of worthlessness has bitten me in my ass again
and with more health issues that suddenly creeped into this aging cavity i call my body.
this morning i woke to a major fucking reality check
of my life
of me
my worries that this would happen to me
are now a reality
a heartfelt 'i'm sorry' to......
her
them
everyone
but i can't explain
i'm nowhere near being a happy girl
as much as i hate to say it, maybe my ex is right....
i only put bandages on the issues in my life
and i don't allow anyone near enough to make me happy
despite my knowing, SHE (ex) did not allow me to be happy near the end
so i had to escape
and now i want to escape again
i just want to stay in my room and cry
i just want to fade away
remain invisible
i so wish i could
Sending the hug you gave me earlier this week right back to you today.
ReplyDeleteIt will get better.
Remember, from the core of you, who you are...
I hope the health issues you speak of are mended quickly.
i warmly accept your hug Camlin...i honestly dislike admitting what a failure i feel i am and i wish i could draw from that core, my dear friend
ReplyDeletemaybe if i can get my shit together, the health issues will resolve themselves.
I've found that my priority has to be me. Taking care of myself and loving the person I am first, made it so much easier and healthier to bring someone into my life.
ReplyDeleteFocus on yourself and you'll be surprised on how the other shit will fall into place.