Friday, July 3, 2009

reality check


it's early....i'm on my way out soon to start my busy day
my bi-weekly day off.
i will be leaving in a bad state of mind.....

my heart races with uncontrollable fears

and a severly non-existent self-esteem

that feeling of worthlessness has bitten me in my ass again
and with more health issues that suddenly creeped into this aging cavity i call my body.

this morning i woke to a major fucking reality check
of my life
of me

my worries that this would happen to me

are now a reality

a heartfelt 'i'm sorry' to......
her
them
everyone
but i can't explain

i'm nowhere near being a happy girl

as much as i hate to say it, maybe my ex is right....

i only put bandages on the issues in my life

and i don't allow anyone near enough to make me happy

despite my knowing, SHE (ex) did not allow me to be happy near the end

so i had to escape

and now i want to escape again

i just want to stay in my room and cry
i just want to fade away
remain invisible

i so wish i could

4 comments:

  1. Sending the hug you gave me earlier this week right back to you today.

    It will get better.

    Remember, from the core of you, who you are...

    I hope the health issues you speak of are mended quickly.

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  2. i warmly accept your hug Camlin...i honestly dislike admitting what a failure i feel i am and i wish i could draw from that core, my dear friend

    maybe if i can get my shit together, the health issues will resolve themselves.

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  3. I know where you are at. It's a long agonizing journey. But I keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end. It's the whole reason I started my blog. And I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

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  4. I've found that my priority has to be me. Taking care of myself and loving the person I am first, made it so much easier and healthier to bring someone into my life.
    Focus on yourself and you'll be surprised on how the other shit will fall into place.

    ReplyDelete