dirty girl to mean girl?

exiting her car, i know i left her hurt and wondering this morning,
not a nice way to start someone's day.
yet,
not even i'm sure as to really why.
but,
no more than 2 hrs sleep in two nights didn't help my fucking cold, non-communicative mood.

still doesn't trump the fucking hot weekend we shared. this unified sexual passion that's been simmering between us for about 2 yrs, give or take. this same passion that's been on the break of boiling over for the past several weeks.

seems i was a dirty girl, starting at the club. couldn't help myself. had been controlling all the emotions and sexual hunger exuding my body long enough, trying to be the good girl, the more common-sensed girl, keeping it all above-board for the sake of our friendship..

and then she throws some sinsi-weed (sinsimilla for the possibly less-aware) into the mix while we're stuck in the middle of the slow-moving traffic on the highway.
have you ever smoked that stuff?? holy shit. you're so aware of your surroundings, your thoughts, your actions but any semblance of inhibitions,
fucking
gone

it's like
Arcadia
Eden
Shangri-la
Utopia
all in one.

extremely difficult control work for me not to cut all the other cars off, pull over to the side of the road and let nature takes its course.

by the time we hit the club, the dj was playing some rockin' club music that only intensifed the vibe of the night, drinks were going down smooth and i, this usually sexually shy hidden-vixen was advancing make-out sessions with her right there in full view of all the patrons. didn't help that she looked exceptionally hot that night and her eyes had that extra sexual glow to them.

and,
all signals were screaming a resounding GO FOR IT.

all that built-up hotness followed us back to my place....at this point, i'll let your own vivid imaginations take the story from here, i don't kiss & tell (well, i do on occasion but not this time). but let's just say, i'm fucking sore all over, in a good way ;-)

yet, last night,
circumstances were as they were....
she needed me, i was there for her
she needed a safe place, i gave it to her
because that's what good friends do.

but something was missing,
for me.

because i needed things too
but i didn't ask.
i couldn't ask.

because, whether joking or not, i just may be 'too much work'.

a strong incentive to keep my mouth shut and not ask her, nor anyone else, for anything. i've never considered myself 'needy' or 'high maintenance' with exception to throwing a complimentary bone every so often to my non-existant self-esteem.

and because of that lacking trait, just imagine the questions/doubts/worries that plague this constantly self-criticising mind in the after-glow of our intimacy.

the complex reasons as to why i couldn't sleep, second night, were different than the night before, not in a good way.

this time,
there was silence, coldness and distance after she turned over, away from me, to sleep. i knew sleep is what she needed, for her mind, her sanity, her health.
but, still, i could mentally measure a full two feet of space between our bodies...she, completely to the edge of the bed. i, the same on my side.

where was the warmth, cuddling and tenderness that both of us needed?
it was missing from my bed last night.

all night.

yet, even stone-cold sober and despite a rough and cold night, i'm left
craving
needing
wanting
more

but,
i won't ask.