classic

things that make me smile tonight

***Jessica Biel in Powder Blue***compiled striptease (for the best scene, skip to 2:25 - it's all a bit 'skippy' but still worth it)...holy shit, i'm speechless to how incredibly hot, sensual and erotic she is in this movie...or any movie




***Imogen Heap w/Jeff Beck - Blanket*** - another song that not only conveys my thoughts/feelings but just happens to be an amazing luv-making song also from the movie Powder Blue



LYRICS:
Emotionless the city lies
Cruel it is, it clouds my eyes
The dull the dark shades on my day
I live inside this place

I see only what i wanna see
I'll be only what i wanna be
My blanket covers me, yes

Now as a yout man I was body poppin breakin on the lino
Traded in my lino for a pad and a biro
Used to stand in line just so as I could sign my giro
But now my ends meet in the best way that I know
(Hat, snare, kick) and the beats that go boom
music I consume to escape the doom and gloom
All the beats and melodies keep realities at bay
But what happens when the records done and starts to fade away
Alone withint myself again
I try to veil away my pain
Above the concrete fields below
With you I wanna go, wanna go

I see only what I wanna see
I be only who I wanna be
My blanket covers me

I see only what I wanna see
I be only who I wanna be
My blanket covers me

You are my living world
You are my living world
You are you are you are my
My only living world....

I see only what I wanna see
I be only who I wanna be
My blanket covers me
covers me
covers me
covers me
covers me

I'll be only who I wanna be
I'll see only what I wanna see

My blanket covers me


***Original - Imogen Heap - Blanket*** hey, it's a great fucking song ;-)



and...
there would have been one more vid but, sadly, it doesn't look like it's available yet...when i find it, i'll post it...funny ad for Fallsview Casino (and no, not the lucky 7 with the fat ugly dude on it! yuck!)

ok, have a good one all.
i'm off to make some good stuff for tomorrow's outing.

damn....

this tune playing on my work PC today...a long forgotten but so-delicious song ;-)

another stupid anti(?)-gay comment....

ps: i just noticed how i freakin' rambled on about shit on this one...oh well, deal with it ;-)

so, let's add to the already highly stupid or **'leotarded' shit that folks say to your face and often, unfortunately, not even realizing how insulting they're actually being.

i'm not known for being a hardcore misandrist for nothing because it's usually dudes that say stupid shit to us like today....

i'm at the mall, run into male co-worker i've known for years...grant you, yes, he knew me before i did the big coming out dance but, fuck....he should be more careful with his words as he apparently has several lesbian friends (one of which is a total stuck-up-too-good-for-anyone kind of dyke).

we're chatting about potential girls at work - other than me - who could possibly be of the lesbionic nature but just haven't had the kahunas, for one reason or another, to come out....as he then says to me, "yeah, my gaydor didn't even hone in on you because you don't give off that lesbian vibe."

W T F????

now some of you may wonder why this pisses me off so....and some of you who know me best know exactly why this pisses me off so.

add to my list of already fucking stupid shit people say:

"oh, but you don't look like a lesbian."
"don't even think you'll ever look butch with curves like that."
"forget ever looking like a butch until you cut off all your blonde curls...guys really go for hair like that."
"are you sure you're a lesbian or is this just some kind of new phase of yours?"
"it's ok to be lesbian now a days (as they whisper the word "lesbian")."
"oh, i guess you had no choice but to turn into a lesbian after such a horrible marriage."

more to add as they hit me.

F U C K!
(as she runs from the room screaming and pulling her curly-blonde-male-turn-on fucking hair!)

** a term used by Dan Savage, well-known Toronto/New York, etc gay columnist in place of retarded so as to avoid offending anyone who may possibly have a real mental health concern.

dirty girl to mean girl?

exiting her car, i know i left her hurt and wondering this morning,
not a nice way to start someone's day.
yet,
not even i'm sure as to really why.
but,
no more than 2 hrs sleep in two nights didn't help my fucking cold, non-communicative mood.

still doesn't trump the fucking hot weekend we shared. this unified sexual passion that's been simmering between us for about 2 yrs, give or take. this same passion that's been on the break of boiling over for the past several weeks.

seems i was a dirty girl, starting at the club. couldn't help myself. had been controlling all the emotions and sexual hunger exuding my body long enough, trying to be the good girl, the more common-sensed girl, keeping it all above-board for the sake of our friendship..

and then she throws some sinsi-weed (sinsimilla for the possibly less-aware) into the mix while we're stuck in the middle of the slow-moving traffic on the highway.
have you ever smoked that stuff?? holy shit. you're so aware of your surroundings, your thoughts, your actions but any semblance of inhibitions,
fucking
gone

it's like
Arcadia
Eden
Shangri-la
Utopia
all in one.

extremely difficult control work for me not to cut all the other cars off, pull over to the side of the road and let nature takes its course.

by the time we hit the club, the dj was playing some rockin' club music that only intensifed the vibe of the night, drinks were going down smooth and i, this usually sexually shy hidden-vixen was advancing make-out sessions with her right there in full view of all the patrons. didn't help that she looked exceptionally hot that night and her eyes had that extra sexual glow to them.

and,
all signals were screaming a resounding GO FOR IT.

all that built-up hotness followed us back to my place....at this point, i'll let your own vivid imaginations take the story from here, i don't kiss & tell (well, i do on occasion but not this time). but let's just say, i'm fucking sore all over, in a good way ;-)

yet, last night,
circumstances were as they were....
she needed me, i was there for her
she needed a safe place, i gave it to her
because that's what good friends do.

but something was missing,
for me.

because i needed things too
but i didn't ask.
i couldn't ask.

because, whether joking or not, i just may be 'too much work'.

a strong incentive to keep my mouth shut and not ask her, nor anyone else, for anything. i've never considered myself 'needy' or 'high maintenance' with exception to throwing a complimentary bone every so often to my non-existant self-esteem.

and because of that lacking trait, just imagine the questions/doubts/worries that plague this constantly self-criticising mind in the after-glow of our intimacy.

the complex reasons as to why i couldn't sleep, second night, were different than the night before, not in a good way.

this time,
there was silence, coldness and distance after she turned over, away from me, to sleep. i knew sleep is what she needed, for her mind, her sanity, her health.
but, still, i could mentally measure a full two feet of space between our bodies...she, completely to the edge of the bed. i, the same on my side.

where was the warmth, cuddling and tenderness that both of us needed?
it was missing from my bed last night.

all night.

yet, even stone-cold sober and despite a rough and cold night, i'm left
craving
needing
wanting
more

but,
i won't ask.

lovely sight

One of my fav make-out songs, Sexual (Deep Dish Remix) by Amber is so hot…and so is the singer....

my Friday sparkle....

yesterday, after work, i wasn't near in the mood to post anything that resembled a good day 'cause my day hadn't ended so good...well, at least until an old friend i recently reconnected with was sitting in my living room sipping a glass of Naked Grape...then the mood improved immensely.
so, back to my 'twinkle' girl from earlier this week ;-)
(i can hear the qualifying laps outside my condo balcony for the Honda Indy as the rain & thunder approaches. that's just how close i live to all the action....gonna be a noisy day lol)

******************************************************************

7:11 a.m.

karma was kind to me this morning.

saw her again…..
crossing the street towards me

all i could do was
smile :-)
at her
just to let her know

and hope she saw what building i entered

with her memory seared into my brain,
i look forward to the reality of the weekend
for possibly more concrete adventures ;-)

have a good one, all
:-)

for your listening pleasure

my morning treat

i sit here, heart pounding, as i write this @ 7:15 a.m. having arrived a wee bit late for work. but
i don’t care…..

i’ve just seen her…..
again

the adorable and very sexy young lovely i saw several weeks ago.
the same lovely one i’ve been keeping my eye out for each and every day since, as i round that same corner where we first ran into each other.

i, getting my usual chai tea, morning fruit cup ritual with some semblance of a healthy oatmeal muffin.
my fav song from Gladys Knight piping through my ears (Take Me In Your Arms) as i turn around to leave the condiments station….
and
there
she
was
walking through the door.

my heart nearly dropped from its safely nestled place.
that place that i try so fucking hard to not open too much to anyone.
(i can clearly see someone nodding her head in agreement right at this moment)

last time, she took a backwards glance at me.
this time, she planted those lovely eyes right on me and smiled with a quiet good morning at the same time i, also quietly and in my sexiest soft voice ;-) wished her a good morning as well.

like a happy child, i practically skipped out of there – but in a cool way ;-)
i so wanted to find an excuse to turn back to see her again but my brain was in a kind of clusterfuck at that moment so, like an idiot, missed my opportunity again…damn.

but, really, wtf am i thinking??? she’s probably way too young for me anyhow…probably even younger than my ex (yup, a ripe 17 yrs diff).

yet, the first instinct that hits me about her is all good. as well known about me, i’m not in the market for any type of serious relationship but i just want to get to know her even as a potential friend….what is wrong with that?

if karma and timing are anywhere near on my side, maybe i won’t have to wait several weeks this time to see her again…hopefully the timeline will be kinder and much MUCH shorter.

same time, same place
tomorrow.
i hope.

a Kelly moment...

ok, need a little break from rocker-lovely JJ so let's add something a little softer, shall we? saw this little vixen on SYTYCD the other night...hmmm, she's gained a little poundage but still has the voice of an angel.....reason for choosing this vid is that i was on FB, trying to beat the ass of my friend in Bejewelled and chillin' to my itunes...this song came on and reminded me of a time she (friend) had this posted on her myspace playlist way back when...the intensity and emotion in this tune hit me hard...i'm sure many of you will be able to relate to it in one way or another...enjoy ;-)

a little touch of Joan

i'm in a Joan mood...a little treat for all my girls out there - enjoy ;-)

damn...they're all in orange border...oh well, i'm not doing it over again!

reality check

it's early....i'm on my way out soon to start my busy day
my bi-weekly day off.
i will be leaving in a bad state of mind.....

my heart races with uncontrollable fears

and a severly non-existent self-esteem

that feeling of worthlessness has bitten me in my ass again
and with more health issues that suddenly creeped into this aging cavity i call my body.

this morning i woke to a major fucking reality check
of my life
of me

my worries that this would happen to me

are now a reality

a heartfelt 'i'm sorry' to......
her
them
everyone
but i can't explain

i'm nowhere near being a happy girl

as much as i hate to say it, maybe my ex is right....

i only put bandages on the issues in my life

and i don't allow anyone near enough to make me happy

despite my knowing, SHE (ex) did not allow me to be happy near the end

so i had to escape

and now i want to escape again

i just want to stay in my room and cry
i just want to fade away
remain invisible

i so wish i could