Monday, August 17, 2009

learning to emote

i stroll into the foyer from the heat of early afternoon as a surprising voice calls my name. i turn to see her standing there with anxious eyes but a confused surprise for me. she's come to see if i'm ok because my stupid, childish email worried her....and that was never my intention.
when will i learn to emote with better words so not to throw the other party into a confused and worried state of mind???? fuck, i'm too old to be doing shit like this and she doesn't deserve it.

but i'm touched...and embarrassed (for me)...that she's left her work to come and see me. to talk, to figure out what's caused me to feel and write what i did. i feel stupid and guilty for having made her worry so...worry about us.

gawd....i look at her and can only think how this amazing woman has so much in her soul that she wants to share with me. i can only be thankful that i finally had the brainage to allow myself the opportunity to see what she's really made of....and, fuck, it's a lot of damn wonderfulness. nothing...absolutely nothing....that i've ever experienced with anyone else. not to sound self-absorbed or narcissitic but she's been patiently waiting in the wings for a long time...for me to really see who she is and how great we can be....together.

she was very right.

often times when we lie together quietly, i see the sheer sadness in her eyes and i know exactly where it comes from. that part is my fault and i hope to remove that sadness from those eyes one day soon.

but most times, i see the serious mist in her eyes, her mouth quiet with no smile and i know exactly what she's thinking as she looks at me. when she looks at me this way, the depth of love that escapes those eyes is like a warm, comforting blanket gently laid over me. her whole body and all her movements radiate this same feeling in the way she holds me or caresses me or whispers in my ear.

then there's the passionate, wild side of her that is absolutely mind-blowing. when her eyes exude her desires for me, my insides melt, my brain turns to total mush and nothing else exists.

i was telling her tonight how i usually felt some level of jealousy or sadness when reading the blogs of others who are coupled with seemingly in-sync partners who seem to enjoy a natural bonding of likes and dislikes in their lives together like my JFP and her partner MK....when i read about the places they've gone together, the things they do together, etc etc, i was always happy to read about their adventures tinged with some sadness in thinking "will i ever have that type of relationship for myself?"....and now, in all honesty, i am proud to say "fuck, YES!" lol

maybe it really is a positive stepping stone to a great relationship if you start out being really close friends? only time, my dear friends, will tell. starting out as 'friends' didn't really help my previous relationship but this....this is very feels very different.

in the meantime, i plan on enjoying what she and i share. she deserves the utmost respect from me and most of all, she deserves for me to continue to break down the walls and open up my heart to her - my whole heart. a difficult task for me but worth doing.


  1. Oh yea. I totally get this. All the way.

    Let it break down those walls. As scary as it may seem, it is so worth it in the end. I'm learning that myself right now. It's not easy, but she's so worth the risk.

  2. aw shucks (a deep red glow forms on my cheeks as I read and grin and smile and wish only to hold you again in my arms) xo

  3. thank you, PA, for your supportive advise...i'll do my best ;-)

    EYES: knock off the mushy glowing-cheek thing and get your ass back over here with me!