'git 'er dun"...

LOL...yes, the 'big deed' is now done ;-)

WE got married yesterday, in a simple but VERY nice civil ceremony at Toronto City Hall.

it felt good to see a couple of Our friends take the time off work to be there for Us...it was heartwarming to see Her brother/his wife and my mom get all emotional during the ceremony...and, a nice surprise...my stepdad came at the end to congratulate Us...baby steps but steps nonetheless. my heart hurts for the rest of Her family who could not attend...they were all down with an insane strain of flu virus, including new baby Ben...but i'm mostly concerned for Her elderly parents whom this flu will be toughest on...thankfully, She set up the vid cam so they will be able to see the ceremony on Our next visit to them...

She liked Her surprise from me...i changed outfits before the ceremony started...became a bit more 'femme' for Her ;-)

fuck those heels suck shit big time LOL

at first, i was hesitant on the change of outfit deal 'cause i didn't want Her to feel like i was placing Her into the 'male' role of Our relationship...uh uh...that's not how We roll.

what gave me the idea, however, was that, in an earlier part of Our 'courting' days, i tried on a basic black summer dress one day and She literally went crazy horn-dog on me ;-) so i thought maybe She'd like me to dress a bit more girly for Her on Our day together. i also remember, pre-dating Her years, that Her blogs included fantasies with girly-femme-types so i thought this might get Her pumped a little more...

i know...quite wicked of me ;-)

this morning, We lay in bed together, admiring the new jewellery piece on Our fingers...a simple yet beautiful reminder of Our commitment to each other

ahhh...it feels just right...Mrs. and Mrs.

Fitting Tune: Never Be The Same Again

hey Babee....Happy 11 December Anniversary ;-)

this tune couldn't have fit better to any other relationship

lyrics:

"Never Be The Same Again"

Come on. Ooh, yeah.
Never be the same again.

I call you up whenever things go wrong.
You're always there. You are my shoulder to cry on.
I can't believe it took me quite so long.
To take the forbidden step.
Is this something that I might regret?

(Come on, come on)
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
(You are the one)
A lonely heart that can't be tamed.
(Come on, come on)
I'm hoping that you feel the same.
This is something that I can't forget.

I thought that we would just be friends.
Things will never be the same again.
It's just the beginning it's not the end.
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door.
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.
Never be the same again.

Now I know that we were close before.
I'm glad I realised I need you so much more.
And I don't care what everyone will say.
It's about you and me.
And we'll never be the same again.

I thought that we would just be friends (oh yeah).
Things will never be the same again. (Never be the same again)
It's just the beginning it's not the end. (We've only just begun)
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door. (Opened up the door)
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.
Never be the same again.

Nite and day.
Black beach sand to red clay.
The US to UK, NYC to LA.
From sidewalks to highways.
See it'll never be the same again.
What I'm sayin'
My mind frame never changed 'til you came rearranged.

But sometimes it seems completely forbidden.
To discover those feelings that we kept so well hidden.
Where there's no competition.
And you render my condition.
Though improbable it's not impossible.
For a love that could be unstoppable.

But wait.
A fine line's between fate and destiny.
Do you believe in the things that were just meant to be?
When you tell me the stories of your quest for me.
Picturesque is the picture you paint effortlessly.

And as our energies mix and begin to multiply.
Everyday situations, they start to simplify.
So things will never be the same between you and I.
We intertwined our life forces and now we're unified.

I thought that we would just be friends.
Things will never be the same again.
It's just the beginning it's not the end.
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door.
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.

(Come on, come on)
Things will never be the same again.
(You are the one)
Never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
We'll never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
We'll never be the same again.
Never be the same again.
Never be the same again.
Never be the same again.
Never be the same again.

other enlightening reads ;-)

ramblings

lostmybrain

you call that an apology???

lol...and the saga continues.....

so, i'm up fairly early on my day off, playing Bejewelled Blitz on FB, my babe is at work, we're missing each other crazily and "notifications" of new stuff pop up on my profile....

i see said 'friend' from last blog has tagged me on a photo of hers....so, curious, i jump to said photo and see her fingers holding a weird looking object that resembles something like a fucked up fortune cookie/clam shell kind of thingy??



so i'm thinking "wtf is THAT and why the fuck would you tag my name to it???"...i wasn't impressed.

if that was her way of apologizing to me, she has some 'splainin' to do.

and this is what i get after 8 yrs of devoted friendship through all kinds of shit?

uh, uh....no thank you.

i don't know, girls...what do you think?

an apology would be nice….

so, when a long-time friend says something bordering on insulting…or at the least, when she knows she freakin’ well hurt your feelings, ya think a kcufing apology would be warranted????

really…W T F???

(btw…”kcufing” – a new way for me to profane my language – saw it in lyrics for one of my fav TLC songs – keep your sparkling eyes out for other ‘pig latin’ words)

ok…so i got my haircut short…finally – after months and months of indecision. the last time i had short hair, i was 15…you do the math ;-)

and yes, it was a big deal for me….and others
and yes, i know it’s a shock to all those who initially see me

but the initial feedback was mostly positive with exception to one of my team old-timer-ready-to-retire T.O.’s who simply told me (as he’s shrugging his shoulders and a friendly smirk on his face) “well, it doesn’t change who you are.” – bugger LOL

he loves chattin’ me up on politics (which i humour him on ‘cause i kcufing HATE discussing politics and religion) and i don’t mind him unloading his complaints on me when one of the tribunal members has pissed him off….

so, not having seen ‘friend’ for a while and when i did, my hair was slicked back and pony tailed so she wouldn’t necessarily have seen the new doo, i thought i’d pay a visit to the floor she was working on and WAS going to ask her for lunch…well, fuck that shit

she looks at me and loudly bursts out “what the fuck did you do to your hair?? i mean it’s ok but why did you cut it short???” as her face reflects sheer disgust and shock.

well, being very tired, pms’ing, feeling somewhat depressed and generally just not feeling well, i turned around, hands up in the air, with an “i’m outta here” and kept walking even after she yelled at me to come back……again, fuck that shit.

of course i don’t expect everyone to like it but, fuck, it took me up until last week to even remotely start accepting it and somewhat liking it. if you don’t like it, then maybe just keep your trap shut and say nothing at all….um, just a thought.

it’s been approx. 3.5 hrs since and…as expected…no email apology yet…nothing.

i remember she pulled something similar with me a couple years back which, then as well, kept me away from her and our friendship. she’s a sweet enough girl but seems to have trouble apologizing when she clearly knows she’s done or said something to hurt feelings.

and that really pisses me off.

side note to my soon-to-be wife: sorry ,babe…that’s one little fortune cookie off the list we ain’t sharin’ anymore ;-)



of course…i’m kidding ***devilish grin***

the trouble with speaking...

as she knows, i allow lyrics - too often - to speak what my chicken-ass mouth can't
for someone who often has verbal diarrhea, it's become difficult for me to verbalize emotions - well, at least positive ones...i still don't seem to have any trouble mouthing off when i'm pissed! lol

my song (1 of 100) for you:



LYRICS

I'm finding the more I see you the more I can see
Now I'm not hiding anymore
Come on baby
Let me know how you feel
Come on take me
I can see this is real
Ever since your love filled my life
I see it's changing everything
Don't you know the way you move me
It's so right, it's better than anything
You are the star in the night
Shining for me baby
Love is so right
Come on I'm feeling everything.

You know me in a way like no one ever before
You hold me forever

***totally blushing***

learning to emote

i stroll into the foyer from the heat of early afternoon as a surprising voice calls my name. i turn to see her standing there with anxious eyes but a confused surprise for me. she's come to see if i'm ok because my stupid, childish email worried her....and that was never my intention.
when will i learn to emote with better words so not to throw the other party into a confused and worried state of mind???? fuck, i'm too old to be doing shit like this and she doesn't deserve it.

but i'm touched...and embarrassed (for me)...that she's left her work to come and see me. to talk, to figure out what's caused me to feel and write what i did. i feel stupid and guilty for having made her worry so...worry about us.

gawd....i look at her and can only think how this amazing woman has so much in her soul that she wants to share with me. i can only be thankful that i finally had the brainage to allow myself the opportunity to see what she's really made of....and, fuck, it's a lot of damn wonderfulness. nothing...absolutely nothing....that i've ever experienced with anyone else. not to sound self-absorbed or narcissitic but she's been patiently waiting in the wings for a long time...for me to really see who she is and how great we can be....together.

she was very right.

often times when we lie together quietly, i see the sheer sadness in her eyes and i know exactly where it comes from. that part is my fault and i hope to remove that sadness from those eyes one day soon.

but most times, i see the serious mist in her eyes, her mouth quiet with no smile and i know exactly what she's thinking as she looks at me. when she looks at me this way, the depth of love that escapes those eyes is like a warm, comforting blanket gently laid over me. her whole body and all her movements radiate this same feeling in the way she holds me or caresses me or whispers in my ear.

then there's the passionate, wild side of her that is absolutely mind-blowing. when her eyes exude her desires for me, my insides melt, my brain turns to total mush and nothing else exists.

i was telling her tonight how i usually felt some level of jealousy or sadness when reading the blogs of others who are coupled with seemingly in-sync partners who seem to enjoy a natural bonding of likes and dislikes in their lives together like my JFP and her partner MK....when i read about the places they've gone together, the things they do together, etc etc, i was always happy to read about their adventures tinged with some sadness in thinking "will i ever have that type of relationship for myself?"....and now, in all honesty, i am proud to say "fuck, YES!" lol

maybe it really is a positive stepping stone to a great relationship if you start out being really close friends? only time, my dear friends, will tell. starting out as 'friends' didn't really help my previous relationship but this....this is very different...it feels very different.

in the meantime, i plan on enjoying what she and i share. she deserves the utmost respect from me and most of all, she deserves for me to continue to break down the walls and open up my heart to her - my whole heart. a difficult task for me but worth doing.

another stupid anti(?)-gay comment....

ps: i just noticed how i freakin' rambled on about shit on this one...oh well, deal with it ;-)

so, let's add to the already highly stupid or **'leotarded' shit that folks say to your face and often, unfortunately, not even realizing how insulting they're actually being.

i'm not known for being a hardcore misandrist for nothing because it's usually dudes that say stupid shit to us like today....

i'm at the mall, run into male co-worker i've known for years...grant you, yes, he knew me before i did the big coming out dance but, fuck....he should be more careful with his words as he apparently has several lesbian friends (one of which is a total stuck-up-too-good-for-anyone kind of dyke).

we're chatting about potential girls at work - other than me - who could possibly be of the lesbionic nature but just haven't had the kahunas, for one reason or another, to come out....as he then says to me, "yeah, my gaydor didn't even hone in on you because you don't give off that lesbian vibe."

W T F????

now some of you may wonder why this pisses me off so....and some of you who know me best know exactly why this pisses me off so.

add to my list of already fucking stupid shit people say:

"oh, but you don't look like a lesbian."
"don't even think you'll ever look butch with curves like that."
"forget ever looking like a butch until you cut off all your blonde curls...guys really go for hair like that."
"are you sure you're a lesbian or is this just some kind of new phase of yours?"
"it's ok to be lesbian now a days (as they whisper the word "lesbian")."
"oh, i guess you had no choice but to turn into a lesbian after such a horrible marriage."

more to add as they hit me.

F U C K!
(as she runs from the room screaming and pulling her curly-blonde-male-turn-on fucking hair!)

** a term used by Dan Savage, well-known Toronto/New York, etc gay columnist in place of retarded so as to avoid offending anyone who may possibly have a real mental health concern.

a Kelly moment...

ok, need a little break from rocker-lovely JJ so let's add something a little softer, shall we? saw this little vixen on SYTYCD the other night...hmmm, she's gained a little poundage but still has the voice of an angel.....reason for choosing this vid is that i was on FB, trying to beat the ass of my friend in Bejewelled and chillin' to my itunes...this song came on and reminded me of a time she (friend) had this posted on her myspace playlist way back when...the intensity and emotion in this tune hit me hard...i'm sure many of you will be able to relate to it in one way or another...enjoy ;-)

I HATE MY CURVES!

ok, it's fucking official now....i really really hate my body and all the curves that come with it!

it's been a detriment in my lesbian journey! how much louder do i need to scream:

I AM NOT A TOTAL FEMME!

I AM NOT A GIRLY-GIRL!

i can't make myself any more butch unless i get some fucking surgery and remove my tits, straighten out my waistline and cut off all my blonde curlies (on my head, you pervs) down to almost bald!

AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! and i don't mean a pirate yell! i'm just so pissed.

what's prompted this tirade of self-abuse?

friends have.

and the last straw was one of my cute and sexy-with-a-booty-to-die-for milk-chocolate chickies who i haven't seen in a while.

we, walking to the subway together, chatting, catching up....she tells me "girl, you can never be butch with curves and hair like that, no matter how hard you try".

i know she didn't mean it as an insult but, fuck, i'm tired of this battle.

i DON'T walk like a femme
i DON'T act like a femme
i DON'T talk like a femme (except that i have a soft, apparently soothing, voice - can i post rolly eyes here??)
i DON'T dress like a femme

the fact that everyone tells me how femme i look pushes me deeper into self-doubt, self-hatred. i've worked so fucking hard at being me but i shouldn't HAVE to work at it....but i feel i HAVE to because of public opinion and that just fucking sucks ass



apparently (as per an earlier blog) there's a word for us inbetweeners * F U T C H*! (thanks Dani)

i feel like screaming some more but

i'll just say

fuck it
i give up

and the flirting continues.....

i, putting words into your mouth
all in splendid fun
;-)
yeah, that's right...i'm a naughty tease

"because we're friends...."

(and she's probably going to kill me for this lol)

“Because we’re friends…”

her personal journal entry of last year she shared with me yesterday while we were both ‘recovering’ from a sleepless night after taking in some minor P.R.I.D.E. celebrations Sat night.....the sleeplessness not coming from partying too much but from staying up and talking about a 'new level (?)' of our friendship.

yeah, btw…. W T F is up with our local lesbian bar these days????? freakin’ hetero couples practically doing each other on the damn floor in a gay bar??? of course we don’t want to bar specific genders/orientation from attending because all are always welcome but, fuck, come on…enough is enough with the slobbering over each other in who can suck out whose tongue first and chicks rubbing dude’s peens - all in front of those of us who don’t really care to see that sickatating dude-on-chick crap….i haven’t seen a good lesbian night there in months. ok, enough of that shit…blog on that another time.

so….was i surprised about her journal writing? hmm, yes and no. we’ve been ‘dancing’ around each other for “13 months, 1 week, ? days, ? hours, ? seconds” according to her time keeping. really? lol

but she shared her personal observations and ‘ideas’ with me in the context of keeping our friendship solidified because, as we both have made VERY clear, neither of us wants anything LT or committed with anyone right now.

we met over 2 yrs ago online and became online budds quickly. our personal lives, even to this day, always seem to be parallel with each other which made for a great supportive friendship..and, yes, no lie, a hint of shared sexual attraction too.

but…we were protected from each other...both of us in a safe zone, so to speak.

she still involved, trying to break free…i, still involved, thinking about breaking free...we both had a tight noose around our necks with our respective partners and we both found ourselves struggling at the same time...that connection, initially, which solidified a friendship

she moved clear across the country shortly after we met and before we had a chance to meet up locally. another hellish life for her started over there while my own personal hell just continued on.

a first-ever-to-meet visit from her last year spring was good medicine for both of us. in short, we had an amazing time together.

and then i got scared…..sh*tless.

and i got mean.
and i got vicious.
and i pushed her away.
rudely.

turmoil from my ongoing relationship at that time, turmoil in my residential environment, turmoil still continuing to a forced connection to someone due to kids being involved…just a total *clusterfuck* on my plate.
and….everyone was coming to me with their personal stuff.

it was too much.

add her feelings towards me on top of that and...

yeah, it didn't really make me shine my best side>

so with this latest move in April, i ended things with the gf and shut everyone out…including her.

once i could breathe again.
feel human again.
feel less stressed…
i allowed certain individuals back into my life…including her.

and now we’re both single. no ties, no commitments to anyone and
oh boy...danger ;-)

so now she’s shared this with me. by no means am i complaining…i’m glad she did. yet, it’s certainly added more ‘spice’ to our friendship, increased the flirtatious comments and pushed us just a little closer to that ‘edge’ of no going back once you plunge into the physical realm of friends-with-benefits.

my brain’s been in overload ever since. my brain, the intelligent organ, screams a loud and cursory “no fucking way should this happen…too much at stake!”
while my ‘other’ parts, the selfish organ(s), scream a loud and cursory “fuck, yeah girl! go for it ‘cause ya know it’s going to be one hot & crazy wild night.”

and then what?
it could go either of two ways. and….
sometimes these things work well and everyone continues like before. and…
sometimes these things do not work well, intense emotions come into play, potential for jealousy, potential for achy hearts, friendship wiped out.

for now, we continue as we are ‘cause it’s a very good, very fun friendship (a cute little piece i found on another blog site).

so, girl....best out of 3 on the ‘beaver’ coin, eh? well, one spin so far did not stop on the ‘beaver’…you lose....two more rolls to go
;-)

*clusterfuck....my favourite word recently…it joins the juicy list of:
cunt
mother-fucker
fuck

yeah, i'm a dirty girl ;-)

great co-workers

ha! :-)
this week's been a smidgen better at work than usual...i'm fairly lucky in my workplace - i have an amazing boss, a great team and some crazy-ass-but-great colleagues although i find it hilarious that i'm the "token" lesbian out of 300+ employees

regardless, when i finally did come out a few years back, the volume of warmth and support towards me has been no less than phenominal to say the least....i'm sure there's those that have issues with my being so vocal and proud of my confident lesbianism but, and i'm sure of this, they know not to make their opinions known...at least not to my face 'cause they also know they don't want to deal with my wrath when i'm not happy with someone's fucked up opinion....no, i'm not a freakin' ogre or anything but my blunt say-it-like-it-is demeanor with a firey vulgar-mouthed temper when i'm really pissed is well known despite the majority knowing what a sweetheart i really am ;-)

i won't hesitate telling someone off, in my quiet don't-fuck-with-me style, if they act like a jerk or their opinions are insulting and demeaning to others...yup, that's me...always standing up for the underpuss

i figure i can get away with it as long as i'm discrete because i know that the majority of management...or at least the important ones in management....love me

so, those who don't necessarily agree with 'me', know better to stay the fuck out of my way - lol......the rumour mill hasn't, yet, brought any negative feedback in several years so i'm figuring all is good

oh sure, the place is flocking with the boy queens but i'm the only female gay that's outspoken about it...of course, many of us have our 'suspicions' of other chicks who might be but none of them are 'out and proud' like me ;-)

so, with P.R.I.D.E. in Toronto starting the end of this week, i've been 'decorating' my work area and i've had some help along the way.

the first little gift came from my own boss (very very hetero but very very open-minded) who brought me in a little rainbow pen that she picked up accidentally at some convention...of course the pen isn't intentionally designed for gays...jeesh...but it sure fits the festivities
and, as she told me today, she has some gay-P.R.I.D.E. wristbands (you know, like the ones for cancer and other worthy causes) at home somewhere that she'll bring me if she finds them...of course, with her, there would be a funny story behind obtaining them but too long to go into here.


ok, so they're pencils! don't get your knickers all in a clusterfuck about it ;-) couldn't find the right photo...jeesh lol

then there's one of the dudes in Systems...my stupid security work pass has my photo on one side and the hugest freakin' font with my name clearly for the world to see on the other side...of course, i wear this attached to my belt and walking obviously keeps flipping the damn thing over to the name side no matter how i attach it....so i came up with a little photo idea to cover my name and voila.....he was so kind as to print it off on colour print (which us 'regular' workers aren't privileged to use for obvious reasons)

and then today as i come back from some assignment i was doing, i turn my chair around to see this beautiful rainbow flag sitting on my chair! from my sweet friend Tammy.....she'd gone to Winners at lunch and when she saw they were handing out free PRIDE flags with purchases, the sweet thing thought of me and brought me one.

so now my workstation looks very P.R.I.D.E. orientated along with a poster i made for myself that hangs just outside on my wall.

looks like i'm set this year....HUGE amounts of festivities to attend...so my P.I.C. and i are hopefully and finally going on our long-awaited roadtrip this weekend and then we'll need to literally spread (oooo, nice term) ourselves around next weekend to make it to all the events....it'll be damn good for me since i've been out of circulation far too freakin' long...it'll be great to meet new people and let loose for a while...

oh yeah....bring on P.R.I.D.E., baby...bring...it.... ON ;-)