introduction to: good day? bad day?

thought i'd start a new kind of rambling (to follow this blog)...how each (or most) of my days go by. kind of like my own personal diary although not the best forum for privacy.

lately, each day has been more difficult than usual and i'm finding it harder to get through them - even though i have amazing people in my life like my wifey, my kids, my mom/stepdad...but they don't always see nor understand the turmoil, or as i prefer to call it, "clusterfuck", inside of me...in the words of a talented artist i guess "I Was Born This Way". i, personally, believe that i am too sensitive a nature to survive the harshness of this world and it scares the fuck out of me. i'll have periods of time where it (the clusterfuck) will just simmer below the surface and then, unexpectedly, come back with a vengeance i don't always understand...it throws me down into the depths of darkness like i'm in for the fight of my life. and on those days, i actually feel like i am.

like yesterday, the day before, today and the last several months...today i felt i just couldn't face the downtown Toronto life again as i found myself wiping tears that i couldn't seem to control. so i turned around and went back home before i reached work...i've been in self-defense mode for a few years now since i moved here, living in this cold, harsh and unfriendly city. it erodes a piece of me each day as i constantly have to stand my ground to assholes and idiots as they push, shove, scream, yell, step on you to get to where THEY need to go...yup, it's all about them in this place...no one else around them matters. i've tried being myself...nice, friendly, polite, looking out for the underdog...but it's gotten me nowhere and doesn't change anything nor anyone.

it doesn't matter what part of this city you live in...there's some kind of total loser, always, right next door. i've moved several times...like yearly now...and it's made no difference. wifey's moved several times...almost yearly...before we hooked up and found the same problem. we've now moved into a place together, a cute little home, and have a total asshole for a neighbor again...it makes NO difference...the percentages are over the top that you will end up with someone living above, underneath, beside, behind or across from you that makes your home life just that more unpleasant and stressful...it's no longer possible to expect peace and quiet after a long hard day at work.

i'm on stress alert 24/7...i'm stressed on the subway to work because there is always at least one rude or idiotic person to start the day off wrong , i'm stressed at work but probably still a place i'm the least stressed, i'm stressed on the subway/bus ride home because it's insanely crowded and LOUD all the time, i'm stressed at home because of the neighbors and the fucking screaming kids that goes on for hours...we can't sit outside, we can't sit in our living room...noise noise noise NOISE all the time...it NEVER stops...i can never relax anymore unless we are out of the city...like our jaunts to St. Jacob's farmer's market, our roaming K-W, our road trips to small towns around Ontario...

the option of moving is, sadly, not an option for now. i promised wifey no more moving right now...at least not for the summer. but even if we did move...would it make a difference? probably not 'cause we'll just end up with some other asshole causing problems.

i think wifey is right...it's not even about homophobia or personal dislike...it's a general self-centered, disrespectful attitude towards everyone and each other. Torontonians seem to have this fucked up attitude that they can do, live, talk, yell, party in any manner they want without any regard of how it affects those around them 'cause no one gives a shit about anyone...and to add to all of this bullshit, the city is now headed by an arrogant, homophobic, boorish nut case by the name of Rob Ford...oh wow...it's only going to get worse. briefly off topic: PRIDE will, again, get fucked over this year because now he too thinks he can dictate on who is allowed to be in the parade and who isn't.

i'm not naturally a mean, mouthy, nasty bitch but having to deal with this shit each and every day has turned me into the same kind of citizen of this city that i find repulsive and angry towards because that's the ONLY way to survive it. problem is, having to behave this way every day finally takes its toll and beats you down.

that's how i feel...beaten down and defeated. i feel like there is no escape from the madness and that's how my/our life will be, especially as i get closer to my own retirement years...difficult and stressful...as i try to survive through all the shit but i can't keep the defenses up 24/7...i need a break...i need nice and friendly, warm and compassionate...i need humans with heart and soul...the world needs more of those humans too

enough said

a “wtf???” moment...

gawd, just freakin’ shoot me and put me out of this perimenopause b.s. misery!

this is insane...i am NO longer the person i used to be

it’s driving me crazy...

i’m now this blithering, sappy, wimpy thing

that cries at anything...everything

everything that’s said to me is taken on the defensive and sends me into cry-baby mode

kinda hard to maintain my hard-ass reputation these days when everything brings on the waterworks

poor Wifey...doesn’t know wtf to do with me these days...walking on eggshells ‘cause She never knows which of my U.S.ofTara personalities is going to come at Her

nobody warns you about this shit

oh, yeah, you hear stories but no one ever tells you how difficult the journey into the next phase of your life is actually going to be

and then there’s my mom...breezed through the whole damn shit with nothing but hot flashes

f*ck...really??

i see the ‘easy menopause’ skipped a freakin’ generation and hit me square in the female kahunas (#3).

so, ladies, if you haven’t already hit the messy phase of your life, take a deep breath and get ready to ride a tsunami wave of hell if your family genes are so predisposed...

and for those of you who haven’t or won’t experience this hell, fuckin’ hats off to ya! consider yourself one of the few lucky ones

random gripe & whine time...pay no attention

‘cause no one else does...

is it the weather?? freakin’ clouds & rain & snow...wtf is snow still doing here???
is it the month?? blah, March
is it the hormones?? blah, perimeno time
is it the asshole rude, cold people of this glorious city we’re doomed to live in??
is it life in general??

or is it just all of the above??

i’m feeling really...really...blue these days

more than just blue...i hate myself

there’s nothing i like about myself anymore

if this is the onset to menopause, fuck, it’s going to be a long nasty ride

honestly
my self-esteem is non-existent...

i feel stupid
and fat
and ugly

i snore now, too
enough that one of us, sometimes, has to sleep in the spare bedroom

my brain doesn’t work anymore
i can’t process a simple thought
never mind trying to pass any upcoming tests for work competitions

i’m having heart problems
hopefully only a simple arrhythmia
or is that ever a simple thing?

the nether regions have decided to do some nasty shit to me the last few months
huh, you can imagine what that does to our sex life :-(
never mind the toll it continues to have on my body

and then lets add a fallen bladder, onset of leg/foot swelling and old, grey, uber-short hair cut to that scenario
oh, wow, aren’t i just a fucking joy to be with

so...
when another dyke blatantly goes after my wife, repeatedly
or when long-standing friends continuously whine about growing my blonde curlies back
or when a simple task such as looking into the mirror and feeling disgust at the image back,
all kinds of ugly rear their heads inside of me
and further bashes the non-existing self-esteem

is it possible to go into a self-esteem credit balance???

gawd, if that’s the case, it’s going to take a long time to go from red to black

last year...it was a not-too-shabby year...

i turned 50, an age i wasn’t (until now) afraid of
i got married to the most amazing fucking woman in the world
we got our first house together
we formed a nuclear new family together, including “Boy” and “Dog”
and, overall, i felt fairly ok healthwise

and then it all just fell to shit
for me, anyhow

i’ll be 51 this year – a year i’m not happy about so far
i’m still married to the most amazing fucking woman in the world
love our house, hate our asshole neighbors who don’t know what “respect” and “peace &
quiet” are as their little asshole rugrats run/jump/pound all freakin’ day
long!
our family is now sadly missing one of the nuclear...our “Dog”...rest peacefully, Beezie
Girl - xoxo
“Boy” really needs to get his life going...get a job, get a girlfriend, get away from PS3!
(i love him to no end, but, come-the-fuck-on...dude, it’s time!)
and
overall, i feel worse, physically-emotionally-mentally, than a piece of shit stuck on the bottom of a shoe

i thought a good, short hair style would help me feel better...yes, i love my cut but now i’ve got a great style on a stupid, fat, ugly body

wifey doesn’t understand why i say “NO photos on FB!”

i really have no right to bitch & whine like this
the outside perimeter of my life isn’t too fucking bad at all
especially with wifey by my side

it’s the inside perimeter i’m worried about
the inner turmoil and struggle to like myself again

my brainage is still intact enough to know that this comes from no one else but
me

i just don’t know how

where to grasp the resources from since there are no resources to grasp from

btw...as i’m eating my sinful side of chips with my salmon sammie...save yourself some $$ and do NOT buy Sun Chips, Farmhouse White Cheddar flavour...fuck yuck

addendum: Happy Love Day...

hmmm, not so much

it's now 6:16 p.m.

the day did not get any better

if i didn't know any better, i'd swear there's a full moon which would explain all the assholes everywhere today...

but, then, again, what's the excuse for all the other days?

but, at least my worry for #1 is gone now - wifey's aches/pains could be a simple explanation of a flu bug according to a coworker that has same symptoms....whew, ok, that's better

but...

means we need to cancel V.D. outing after work...not such a bad thing since we've been celebrating this Day since Friday ;-)

treated myself to an outing of lunch even though budget warrants NO eating out for a while...but, hey, fuck it...needed to do something to cheer myself up...so, had trusty yummy Japanese food...so tasty avocado-seafood salad & veggie/shrimp tempura to go...

came home, snuggied with wifey...more of that later too...and am trying to stay positive as i feel my own symptoms in the tum start gurgling away...

ah shit

but...

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ALL YOU LOVELIES

;-)

you call this a Happy Love day??

today definitely warrants a blog entitled something like “Happy Fucking Valentines Day”...hahaha (i’m not really laughing – actually, i feel like leaving and hiding in bed all day)...

today was anything but a romantic start to this supposedly special day for lovers all around...it doesn’t really help when...

1. i’m frantically worried for my wifey with symptoms in the past few days that too-scarily resemble about-to-explode-appendicitis but stubborn as the ram she is, won’t go see about it because, apparently, it’s nothing to worry about while i watch her limp around the room, moan in pain during the night and can barely get out of bed the next morning...yup, nothing to freakin’ worry about

2. getting stuck at the infamous Yonge/Bloor subway platform only to find out, suddenly, that our train, moving at a quick southbound pace to my WORK is now going to be making a northbound route AWAY from my employment destination with no explanation until AFTER it’s already too late as i’m frantically trying to find my way around in a subway station i’m not even remotely familiar with. TTC dudes, lets not rush TOO much to inform your passengers W T F is going on...no, that would be asking WAY too much of our infamous subway system in the big GTA of Toronto...after asking a thankfully informed passenger of what was happening, i finally found my way to the top of the street whereby i was supposed to find one of those amazing “shuttle buses” we sorry-ass-prisoners-to-the-transit in Toronto are supposed to rely on when things fuck up on the subway line – and nary a day goes by when they don’t. yes, welcome, subway passenger #1-million-and-endless to the quickly growing throng of miserable-already-pissed-off passengers waiting to push, step on and swing-a-violent-arm-at-ya passengers crowding onto one of those shuttle buses. i had to wait for bus #5? before i could get on...shockingly enough, i kept my temper in check...by this time, i was 30 minutes late for work and still had several blocks to ride before my stop. thankfully, i had a nice, friendly (oh so rare in TO) lady to chat with on the way down..again, contrary and not within my norm of the day as i usually have a strict rule of no talking in the morning...its headphones and music all the way – usually.

3. finally at work, it takes another 4 reboots to get my recently-replaced HD to boot up...wtf? not again! if they have to change this one, it will be my 6^th HD in the 3 yrs i’ve been in this particular position...this is what the govn’t calls their recycling program...let’s just keep giving the employees the shitty PC systems that break down – yes, of course...WAY better efficiency in that line of thinking.

4. so now that i can actually read my emails and my bosses v/mail on my phone actually makes sense, i now have to find the brainage material to respond to a job offer that i agreed to several months ago but am no longer interested in taking, especially since it’s only for 2 weeks rather than the 12 months they originally had in mind...honestly, it’s not even feasible to disrupt my current job and my Team/Unit for a lousy 2 week assignment in a position that’s only parallel to my current job now.

5. so now i’m looking forward to having my breakfast...what, 2 hrs after my usual time...boil the kettle, make the lovely toasted bagel w/cream cheese & jam...looking forward to my peaceful green tea experience...well, fuck, that ain’t going to happen today either as i watch hot water seeping out of the bottom of my cute little Asian tea pot, leaking all over the desk, the phone, the floor...holy shit, this day just keeps getting better...

stay tuned...it’s only 10:13 a.m.

let’s see what the rest of this bullshit day holds in store

shit i hate...

this may be the start of a new extension of my blog..."shit i hate"

today, i have 2 for ya...

#1 picture this: i walk into our work washroom, about 10 cubicles to choose from...i always choose #2 cubicle if it's avail...and it was. so, i'm thinking, great, i can do my poop business before anyone might come in. not 2 freakin' seconds later, some twit comes in, interrupting the natural flow of the business which wouldn't haven't been so bad except the dooshbag (my version of this infamous name...don't argue with me) decides to park her ass into cubicle #....

3!!!!

W T F??? are you fucking serious...you have at LEAST 7 or 8 other cubicles to choose from but you just HAVE to use the one RIGHT beside me??? the picture: me, sitting on the toilet, pants around ankles, arms up in a WTF pose, mouthing those exact words...fuck, i hate that kind of shit

#2 how many of you were as put off by Brandy's fucked up behaviour on DWTS like me and wifey?? yeah, what a doosh she made of herself. totally relieved when she got her ass voted off...way to go american voters :-)

sitting on the subway home today, i happen to look over and see a replica of this singing self-absorbed diva...i had to control the urge to walk over and smack that same stupid look Brandy (and replica) has when she's pulling 'tude...sadly, can't find an image on it

ok, so that's a good start to 'shit i hate'

oh...there's a #3

#3 i hate when wifey and i are fighting :-(

I scratched my back with a fork...

and that’s how my day went...it’s weird the ‘tools’ we find to help us through some nasty-ass stuff when we don’t have the luxury of our Loved One helping us out – yeah, my Baby does amazing back scratches for me...mind you, i look like a raw piece of something after but it works!

i have this spot on my back that has a constant itch that gets SO bad, it drives me crazy. when She scratches it for me at home, i’m certain Our teenage son can definitely hear the loud groans of pleasure emitting from my mouth as She goes to town relieving my insane discomfort.

so, another nasty episode hits me while i’m at my desk at work...frantically looking for something to ease this fucker, i spot the fork and away i go...thankfully, no one was witness to this maniacal scene, especially since i’m still considered the NKOTB.

work...another sore spot with me these days...i’ve, stupidly maybe?, taken on an assignment at another office until the end of March next year. i’m into week 6 of my secondment but don’t feel any smarter about the processes here than day 1. wtf??

after 30+ years of working, this is all new shit to me...i’m not used to being on the learning end for one thing...it’s me that everyone’s been coming to for how to’s, advice, etc. – learning is good...but i feel like a total ‘tard for not having learned it all by my 2^nd week! (no derogatory intent to those in our society who are a wee bit slower in their thinking process).

the amounts and sources of information coming in daily are overwhelming to say the least. one of my key responsibilities on this job is to filter, delegate and disburse all incoming emails to my manager, she being the second highest in command of the place...we’re talkin’ anywhere from 200 to 400 per day! how am i supposed to know what the fuck to do with them all if i have NO clue what they’re all about??? yup, i know, i know...there’s a learning period for every job but this particular position CANNOT afford that kind of learning period...so, after numerous sleepless nights and several migraines, i think i’ll just make peace with myself knowing i’ll do the best i can under the circumstances...should be a little easier knowing now that i have the full support and understanding of top management staff and my related coworkers :-) ok, i’ll stick it out...i think ;-)

relationships...i see Her sexy hand on the passenger seat as i exit the car, knowing Her beautiful sparkling browns are looking at me walking away...She’s dropped me off at the subway station like We do every morning. most mornings, it takes all my resolve to NOT turn around, get back in the car and go back home with Her. it’s really hard leaving Her every morning so that both of Us can go to Our ho-hum jobs so We can meek through life with food, clothing, shelter and occasional entertaining. i was ready to give all that up...that relationship thing. i truly wanted to be single after i ended the last one...why the fuck bother with all the hassles and shit? but She changed all that...and even through the difficult days, when i feel all fucking hell is breaking loose and i feel like things are just too much for me, there She is, always with Her undying (i hope) love for me, Her amazingly sexy arms waiting to hold me...that touch...that touch is often all it takes to tame the beast inside of me...and that’s also why, when i’m just so damn angry, i won’t let Her touch me. but, i can’t resist long...so, into day 136? of Our wedded bliss, i toast You, Baby, for never giving up on me...on Us...even when i didn’t know it was going to be an Us.

ok, that's my report for now...saluting all you lovely lesbians out there

the 'real' truth...finally

on the heels of my Big Day...married now 3 days ;-)

i keep 'checking in' with Hollywood Farm Girl - Melissa's (Etheridge) now-ex.

hoping for a glimpse at the real truth...not Melissa's truth.

today, i see it on Tammy-Lynn's blog...and i nod my head to my wife...'i knew it' i say

M says "no surprise", Melissa's been known to be a player for most of her years in the music business...but, really, this is downright shitty and cowardly of her

don't get me wrong...she's an amazing musical talent, i love her music, and there's always blame on both sides when a relationship/marriage falls apart but, in this case, i think her timing sucks hugely in releasing her new album...she's cut her marital ties, left behind a mess for the other to clean up and take the brunt of the blame publicly - meanwhile, Melissa's out there again strumming her guitar strings like there's no fucking tomorrow without any regard for the wake of her destruction...wtf?

still a lover of her music, it has, however, left her appeal definitely tarnished to this fan

it's sad...

and so the fear returns...

what does one do when years and years of past fear come screaming back at you from a source you wish you'd never known???

thinking back on my life from day 1, i mostly remember the main emotion in my heart and soul

F E A R

fear from my father...a fear, however, that hasn't existed for many years...he's made his bed and whatever the rest of that statement is...i have no contact with him

fear from the 'sperm donor' i refuse to acknowledge, verbally, as my 'ex' but someone non-existent, because he came from a life that has no connection to me now, with exception of my wonderful kids...a life that was mostly not of my choosing but, rather, as many of you can relate, forced upon me despite my inner desires, wants, needs and known happiness.

as i tearfully try to explain my fears to my children who only know the surface of my hell with their other parental unit, i try to mentally convince myself that he wouldn't really do anything stupid because he'd certainly lose his kids...they've assured me they would never want anything to do with him again...

but as soon as i rationalize this into my head, the gut-wrenching fears come rushing back because i KNOW this man like no other yet i really don't know him, if that makes sense. i've experienced his instability, his hateful emotions from non-existent self-esteem issues, his penchant for violence...no, he never laid a hand on me physically but destroyed so much within the perimeters surrounding me.

but it's the verbal threats that stick in my head...the one's he never acted on but this time, i dare not think he won't act on them, especially with THIS subject...my relationship with M...lesbians, homosexuality, queers, tranis, the gay community in general...and the fact that his son, more importantly, lives with M and i. not "our" son...HIS son. his son living with two lesbians...this is not good.

when my children were little, he always berated me that i was going to turn our son into a 'fag' because i was hugging and kissing him 'too much'...our son's nature isn't even close to being homosexual...he's happily straight but loves his mom and partner very much and has been supportive of our relationship and upcoming marriage...he's happy for his mom. he loves having M with us because we provide a happy and joyful environment for him...both my children have struggled with some of their own minor homophobic issues but have pushed them all aside for M and i because they see and know how happy we are together...they are happy for us...they remind me regularly that this is the first time, either of my them, have seen their mother truly and honestly happy and they love M because of who she is and how she treats them and, of course, me.

yet none of that matters to crazy man...i know how deep his hatred runs...the intensity of his homophobic thoughts and fears. his entire culture has the same thoughts and fears...and they've hurt people.

and not only because he's now discovered my secret but, to date, 9 yrs after the divorce, he still has issues and a deep-seeded hatred towards me for leaving him in the first place.

this, a man who will never admit he's done anything wrong or behaved inappropriately as a husband and father...even after both children have physically removed themselves from his residence to live either on their own or with me, and eventually, M.

why did fate put yesterday's scenario into such perilous hands?? my trying to hide this from him was futile...i fear now for both M and i...and for the children as well but not so much...i doubt he'd hurt them physically but my son will be berated and verbally bashed and probably to the point where he won't want to visit his father any further...but will that teach him a lesson?? no, sadly, it won't because, again, it won't be his fault in his own fucked up head. it's always someone else to blame, never him.

but how do i now protect my M?? will we now have to constantly look over our shoulders each and every day??

i hate this...i hate having to deal with this fucking fear he, once again, manages to instill in me. another way for him to control me. fuck, why can't he just leave me - Us - alone and let our lives go on. concentrate on his own life with his own new piece of ass that he seems to love so much???

i don't have any answers...yet.

American Idol voters have stupid ideas...

of who's a great singing talent and who's not...really, wtf???

ok, so M gets me all hooked on AI now...as Canadians, we really should watch the Canadian version but they don't have Ellen, eh ;-)

so i'm faithfully watching this from the beginning and, aside from Simon's occasional fucked up wrong critiquing of the singers, i'm agreeing with America's vote...

until last night

holy shit, wtf (yes, obviously my fav acronym to use)

how stupid is that?? do you NOT know a great talented voice when you hear it??? what the hell could have possibly made AI voters decide to kick off such an enormous talent with great looks to boot?????????

Lilly Scott

i was stunned, to say the least...prior to the final decision before commercial break, M had said to me that if Lilly Scott got booted rather than Katie, she wouldn't watch the show anymore and i told her, with great confidence in AI voters, that was NOT about to happen because, so i thought, Americans knew a fucking good thing when they heard/saw it...

(are ya kidding me????)

fuck, was i WRONG!

the ONLY reason i can fathom that this may have happened is that, in the general AI population, they weren't quite ready for Lilly's uniqueness so they stuck with the all-American-cutie safe choice instead...gawd,

fuck, whatever....

my personal favourites, aside from Lilly are:

Crystal Bowersox

and...

OOPS! wrong Casey James!!!! my bad ;-)

THIS Casey James....

let's see how long these two will last...hmmm, Casey maybe but i fear that Crystal might be next only because she doesn't have that "glossy beauty" look to her.

i think i'll waste my time watching something that makes more sense from now on.

the 'phallacy' of it all...

really, W T F??? i know, i know...i'm on such a 'hate-Toronto' kick these days...i'm sorry to those of you who love the big TO but since not having too many positive experiences with this stank city, i cannot honestly portray it in a positive way...although living so close to the lake/Harbourfront certainly has its pleasant advantages...

anyhow, i normally don't read the dude-geared newspapers like the Toronto Sun exactly because of that...all articles are written with such testosterone-fed wording it's, literally, sick-a-tating.

but today i wanted to read up on the latest tragedies of father/daughter dying in fire, OPP cop shot to death on highway near London, local cop in auto accident dying at the scene...but, of course, the FIRST article that hits me is not any of these stories, it's about the Moonlight Ladies - the 'older' version of the Sunshine Girls.

i'm not complaining about that by any means. i, myself, could easily qualify as a Moonlight Lady and no doubt there are many in the TO area that are hot, older women.

what pissed me off was the sexually-geared way the article was written. so i felt i just HAD to respond...

"Although I applaud Mr. Strobel's launching of the Moonlight Ladies, I'm disgusted with the sexually based comments made in this piece. examples: "Men across this fair land will long treasure the memory of Olympic curler Cheryl Bernard, 43, screaming “harder, harder!”

Honestly, why do we need to continue to implode society with sexual analogies of man-pleasuring goals...how insanely phallic has this society become??? Everywhere I go, I see phallicly-geared advertisements, posters, statues, art displays...it continues to baffle my head at how we continue to live in the dark ages of this man-owned society.

I'm already LMFAO at how dudes across Toronto will be ripping themselves a new anal hole at my comments. Calm down doggies."

ha! and further, when i checked back later, some dude made a lame comment about how i should just chill out and get a sense of humour...well, i just HAD to comment back on that as well at how i didn't expect any intelligent responses to my comment and that dude himself certainly didn't disappoint.

yeah, some days i'm not so nice.

gee, thanks mom...

so, it’s official now….as of today

my parents (meaning my mom & stepdad) won’t be attending my wedding ceremony in May nor the family celebration in June. well, neither will my father but he wasn’t expected to be there anyhow – he’s so far removed from my life he has no clue about anything since 2004 at the least.

i’m not sure how i’m feeling but there is a blanket of sadness over me right now. i think it’s because now my mom, too, has made her final statement. yet, she’s been the ‘supportive’ one of the two when We announced our upcoming wedding plans – she’s the one i honestly thought would be there even if my stepdad wasn’t going to be. she had said to me that she supported me, as her daughter, no matter what decisions i made about my life….now, today, she turned around and told me that probably neither of them would be attending any of the celebrations because ‘you know we don’t agree with the marriage part of it and you know i’ve always been against women marrying women and men marrying men.”…uh, yeah, i guess i know that now – fuck.

oh….i guess i should clarify the fucking difference here (again)….both are “ok” with M and i living together, sleeping together, etc etc…both really like M and both are happy that i’m now happy…this, again, was reiterated to me on Sunday after they had an amazing time with us for dinner and again, today, in my telephone convo with my mom…they adore M and all that shit but they just can’t ‘accept’ She and i getting ‘married’….it’s ‘not right’ in their eyes….FUCK OFF!

as much as i love my mom, i WILL NOT bend to this sanctimonious bullshit.

i knew my mom had issues with gays from an early age…it’s not an orientation that was ‘approved’ of in Austria and still isn’t but also because her best friend made loving advances towards my mom when they were both in their earlier teens and my mom never really got over that…she actually ended their friendship when that happened.

so then she tells me that she (they) really want to meet M’s family but just not at either of the wedding celebrations.

keeping my cool and staying aloof to all this shit being spewed at me, i told her they could meet M’s family at the birthday/anniversary party that will be happening a few days after Our wedding…wow, this is such fucking nonsense…i’m going to be 50 yrs old and i still have this shit to deal with from parents.

i’ve decided this: if they (or whomever else) continues to have these bullshit issues with my getting married to the most wonderful woman in the world and living a happy gay life with Her, then fuck them all…no, really.

this is NOT about religion.

this is NOT about their beliefs.

this is NOT about what others perceive is right or wrong.

this is NOT about THEM!

this is simply about two people who love each other, want to spend the rest of their lives together with a little piece of fucking legal paper that gives them the ‘official’ spouse seal. and because – in Canada – WE CAN!

anyone who cannot deal with that is ‘xnayed out and will not be celebrating ANYTHING else in my life with me and that includes my upcoming 50^th birthday.

and that says it all....bitchsession only

i just read an amazing blog (the "good boy" one) that set off some more underlying shit that bothers me about myself and those who feel the need to "tell" me who and what i am....this was my response to her.

..."i LOVE this writing you posted…but it also makes me sad in some way as i cannot quite identify myself in the same manner even though i’d like to – oh yeah, i’m comfortable being myself and who i am for the most part…i guess you could say i’m a butch with a femme lining?? i don’t know…i just know that i’m not a femme, i don’t act like one (most of the time with exception to my giggling episodes), i don’t dress like one (except for my fiance behind closed doors but she’s the more butch of the two of us and loves it when i dress that way)…but i fight the ‘you look too femme to be butch’ attitude every day…why??? because i have curves, tits, round ass and curly blonde hair???? wtf?? anyhow, enough babbling – i love your writings. have a great weekend :-)..."

what a bitch she is....

yes, that one there....in the photo above

it's that time of the month again

in more ways than one

pms + full moon + stress + frustrations = clusterfuck of emotions

it's been - for the most part of my life - not the most positive or happy relationship we share....the moon and i

in fact, it can be downright damaging.

and has in past years...that's why this monthly phase oftentimes worries me. the gravitational pull of this magnificently beautiful yet potentially evil satellite of our universe never ceases to amaze the negative effects it has on my life...and others.

in previous years, when my own personal pms wars were stronger and more radically intense than now, the combo of pms @ the same time as the full moon turned me into something even i didn't recognize and scared the crap right out of my kids.

my body shudders at the memories of those times and my completely irrational, downright fucking scary behaviour :-(

i'm not quite that bad anymore...thankfully. but it still has nasty effects on me...

emotional rationale fly out the proverbial window, my body goes into 24hr defense mode, i'm tense as hell, i can't sleep more than a couple of hours during the night...if i do wake for any reason forget going back to sleep, i cry at just about anything, i become argumentative as hell, and every little thing that normally doesn't bother me too much, turns into a full blown annoyance which sends me into sheer pissy mood and i feel like punching or kicking something - my need for fight and flight becomes my constant

and it's not just me...i see the change in others around me and i definitely see the change in the general population...holy shit

about 3 days prior to and then during the full phase of its existence, people in general become more fucked up than usual.

you see it in their eyes, you hear it in their irrational conversations and arguments with you on the phone or one-on-one, in-your-face disrespect and rudeness are their initial reactions, the % of road rage increases dramatically, auto-related accidents increase, and the list goes on.

9 out of 10 people i speak to can relay some story or incident for them related to the full moon.

that's so fucked up.

sometimes i feel like we are mere little chess pawns to be moved around at will by the universe we live in...that doesn't allow for a safe, comfortable feeling

then again, in today's world, when can we ever feel safe and comfortable?

i don't have a positive answer for that.

a mother's role?

so, really, what IS a mother’s role in her children’s lives when she’s finally, after 20 yrs of depressive, abusive hell, been divorced for 9 yrs from the dead-weight cavity that spawned them???

honestly, W T F???

it took me such a long time to shed myself away from this bullshit life called a former marriage mistake….to distance myself from the nauseating drama from both him and his fucked up family – all of this before i had the courage to come out and be the true me.

it’s a miracle that i had these two great kids come out of such repulsive bullshit but i’m at the point now where i’m seriously going to lose it and i’m not sure what to do with all of this shit.

son: lives with me and partner in a good life now…he’s happy with us but visits the sperm donor (referred to as ‘sd’ for the balance of this blog) every second weekend, mostly to spend time with his sister and pet dog. comes back home usually frustrated and depressed, sick in his head & stomach from unhealthy eating options there and basically has no communication with his father because they share nothing in common.

daughter: lives with sd (again) – by choice – regardless of warnings from me and former-living-with-dad-red-flags. this arrangement is supposed to be beneficial for her as she saves money on outrageous rent fees, can accomplish her b.a.’s & degrees with her online university courses and will soon be getting a license to become a bankruptcy counsellor. benefits for pet dog are that he’s not left alone all day (grandmother is happy with his company) and he has a large backyard to run, piddle and poop in.

problem: both kids are stressed with sd’s fucked up behaviour, which they both knew i dealt with for 20 yrs prior to divorce. son would rather not say too much to his dad to avoid definite yelling & cursing blow up scene. daughter voices her opinions with no problems but is, also, trying to avoid definite yelling & cursing blow up scenes while still living there.

both unload on their stress & frustrations on me.

so, what do i do???

if i continue to listen to this shit about their loser father, it stresses and depresses me. if i don’t listen to it, i feel guilty about it like all hell and where, then, do my kids unload their stress about it?

my life is really good now…my life is where i’ve needed it to be for me even though it took ½ my life to find it….find Her.

i honestly don’t want nor need to hear all this fucking crap about a loser i had to put up with for 20 yrs – someone who literally pushed me to the edge of suicide and morose unhappiness, fear and loathing. i’m done with him and all his bullshit, especially since i divorced his sorry ass 9 yrs ago. but it kills me that he’s behaving in the same manner with his own kids and i can’t say fuck all about it. i’d LOVE to but it would only make things worse for my kids. and, really, he’s not my problem anymore…nor should he be.

i wonder then…..

am i being a bad mother if i don’t take on this unnecessary stress from them?