same old treatment...one of many troubles with the dude-species

so...for 51+ years, i've been wondering...is it me??

is it them??

is there even an answer??

coming home on the subway - after a long day of training staff, i'm freakin' tired, going home later than my usual time. it's after 4 pm and the subway is insanely busy already...i have a long ride home and DO NOT feel like standing...

seeing a spot...tight but free nonetheless...i proceed to sit - middle seat on a 3-seater bench...

between 2 business dudes sitting on either end of bench with legs...

crossed, dude-style

come-the-fuck-on...

you see the subway is busy...you KNOW people are going to want to sit...if this was a stupid typical dude ploy to think no one would dare want to sit down in the middle just because you're too rude and arrogant to sit properly, you had not yet discovered the effects of...

me

seeing the one rare empty seat left, i headed straight for it, a curt and loud "excess me gentlemen" and down i sat...

of course, because of the way they were sitting, it was a tight squeeze and neither one clearly was not willing to make any room for me, i accidentally knocked dude #1's sunglasses out of his jacket pocket to which he tapped me on the shoulder and gestured with his hand the implorable mistake i had just made in knocking off his $300.00 sunglasses out of his Gucci suit pocket.

not giving a shit about it since they were blatantly rude to me from the start, i continued listening to my music and playing games on my phone at which point dude #1 gets up and moves over to stand in front of dude #2 to 'chat'.

being courteous that i usually am, i removed my headphones, looked at him and politely apologized for having knocked down his sunglasses.

of course, with the arrogance that i knew would follow, his condescending 'thank you' only infuriated me further at just having apologized to someone who was, from the beginning, rude and disrespectful to me.

after he thanked me, i looked at him and bluntly said, "oh you are very welcome yet you find it difficult to apologize to me for you and your friend's rude behaviour towards me in the first place? it doesn't take a genius to figure out that this subway car is crazy busy, you know someone is going to want to sit down yet you cannot even have the most basic common courtesy to make room for someone to sit?? that, sir, makes you both the assholes of the day...enjoy the rest of your day."

headphones back on.

2 stops later, dude #1 gets off the subway, dude #2 shortly follows...

yes, i stood my ground...again

and again

and again

like i have to each and every day

but some damage occurred in that transaction because it only brought back several decades of ill-treatment towards me from most of the men in my life since birth.

on the bus ride home it took a lot for me to 'rebuild' myself again before i saw wifey and Boy...each time a man decides to cut me to shit from the smallest action to downright calling me foul names in public, it takes a piece of me that is damn hard to put back together.

it's like i have to start over each time.

i'm so tired of having to start over...i'm so tired of so many digging away at my soul and thinking that's ok.

you call this a Happy Love day??

today definitely warrants a blog entitled something like “Happy Fucking Valentines Day”...hahaha (i’m not really laughing – actually, i feel like leaving and hiding in bed all day)...

today was anything but a romantic start to this supposedly special day for lovers all around...it doesn’t really help when...

1. i’m frantically worried for my wifey with symptoms in the past few days that too-scarily resemble about-to-explode-appendicitis but stubborn as the ram she is, won’t go see about it because, apparently, it’s nothing to worry about while i watch her limp around the room, moan in pain during the night and can barely get out of bed the next morning...yup, nothing to freakin’ worry about

2. getting stuck at the infamous Yonge/Bloor subway platform only to find out, suddenly, that our train, moving at a quick southbound pace to my WORK is now going to be making a northbound route AWAY from my employment destination with no explanation until AFTER it’s already too late as i’m frantically trying to find my way around in a subway station i’m not even remotely familiar with. TTC dudes, lets not rush TOO much to inform your passengers W T F is going on...no, that would be asking WAY too much of our infamous subway system in the big GTA of Toronto...after asking a thankfully informed passenger of what was happening, i finally found my way to the top of the street whereby i was supposed to find one of those amazing “shuttle buses” we sorry-ass-prisoners-to-the-transit in Toronto are supposed to rely on when things fuck up on the subway line – and nary a day goes by when they don’t. yes, welcome, subway passenger #1-million-and-endless to the quickly growing throng of miserable-already-pissed-off passengers waiting to push, step on and swing-a-violent-arm-at-ya passengers crowding onto one of those shuttle buses. i had to wait for bus #5? before i could get on...shockingly enough, i kept my temper in check...by this time, i was 30 minutes late for work and still had several blocks to ride before my stop. thankfully, i had a nice, friendly (oh so rare in TO) lady to chat with on the way down..again, contrary and not within my norm of the day as i usually have a strict rule of no talking in the morning...its headphones and music all the way – usually.

3. finally at work, it takes another 4 reboots to get my recently-replaced HD to boot up...wtf? not again! if they have to change this one, it will be my 6^th HD in the 3 yrs i’ve been in this particular position...this is what the govn’t calls their recycling program...let’s just keep giving the employees the shitty PC systems that break down – yes, of course...WAY better efficiency in that line of thinking.

4. so now that i can actually read my emails and my bosses v/mail on my phone actually makes sense, i now have to find the brainage material to respond to a job offer that i agreed to several months ago but am no longer interested in taking, especially since it’s only for 2 weeks rather than the 12 months they originally had in mind...honestly, it’s not even feasible to disrupt my current job and my Team/Unit for a lousy 2 week assignment in a position that’s only parallel to my current job now.

5. so now i’m looking forward to having my breakfast...what, 2 hrs after my usual time...boil the kettle, make the lovely toasted bagel w/cream cheese & jam...looking forward to my peaceful green tea experience...well, fuck, that ain’t going to happen today either as i watch hot water seeping out of the bottom of my cute little Asian tea pot, leaking all over the desk, the phone, the floor...holy shit, this day just keeps getting better...

stay tuned...it’s only 10:13 a.m.

let’s see what the rest of this bullshit day holds in store

shit i hate...

this may be the start of a new extension of my blog..."shit i hate"

today, i have 2 for ya...

#1 picture this: i walk into our work washroom, about 10 cubicles to choose from...i always choose #2 cubicle if it's avail...and it was. so, i'm thinking, great, i can do my poop business before anyone might come in. not 2 freakin' seconds later, some twit comes in, interrupting the natural flow of the business which wouldn't haven't been so bad except the dooshbag (my version of this infamous name...don't argue with me) decides to park her ass into cubicle #....

3!!!!

W T F??? are you fucking serious...you have at LEAST 7 or 8 other cubicles to choose from but you just HAVE to use the one RIGHT beside me??? the picture: me, sitting on the toilet, pants around ankles, arms up in a WTF pose, mouthing those exact words...fuck, i hate that kind of shit

#2 how many of you were as put off by Brandy's fucked up behaviour on DWTS like me and wifey?? yeah, what a doosh she made of herself. totally relieved when she got her ass voted off...way to go american voters :-)

sitting on the subway home today, i happen to look over and see a replica of this singing self-absorbed diva...i had to control the urge to walk over and smack that same stupid look Brandy (and replica) has when she's pulling 'tude...sadly, can't find an image on it

ok, so that's a good start to 'shit i hate'

oh...there's a #3

#3 i hate when wifey and i are fighting :-(

i officially HATE...

...BEJEWELED BLITZ on FB...fuck, i hate it. it's one of those games that makes you feel like a total inept 'tard 'cause you feel like you're just never good enough to beat the other bitches - what i mean by other bitches is the one's on my Baby's FB profile, neither of which i hold any warm feelings towards...oh, and one on my FB friends list who i only hold lukewarm comaraderie with - she ALWAYS seems to beat my ass every week :-( so the 'lukewarm' is swiftly turning to 'bitch cold' - blah.

someone PLEASE fucking tell me how these women get over 500,000 points EVERY fucking week??? the best i've ever done was about 450,000 and that was ONCE several months ago, never to be achieved again. i seem to, ineptly, average about 285,000 to 305,000 which, in itself, is not too shabby of a score but when you see others getting way beyond that, ya kind a wonder how the fuck they do it.

ok, enough said...i hate the fucking game...no big deal right? yeah, right.

%&$#ing game

and so the fear returns...

what does one do when years and years of past fear come screaming back at you from a source you wish you'd never known???

thinking back on my life from day 1, i mostly remember the main emotion in my heart and soul

F E A R

fear from my father...a fear, however, that hasn't existed for many years...he's made his bed and whatever the rest of that statement is...i have no contact with him

fear from the 'sperm donor' i refuse to acknowledge, verbally, as my 'ex' but someone non-existent, because he came from a life that has no connection to me now, with exception of my wonderful kids...a life that was mostly not of my choosing but, rather, as many of you can relate, forced upon me despite my inner desires, wants, needs and known happiness.

as i tearfully try to explain my fears to my children who only know the surface of my hell with their other parental unit, i try to mentally convince myself that he wouldn't really do anything stupid because he'd certainly lose his kids...they've assured me they would never want anything to do with him again...

but as soon as i rationalize this into my head, the gut-wrenching fears come rushing back because i KNOW this man like no other yet i really don't know him, if that makes sense. i've experienced his instability, his hateful emotions from non-existent self-esteem issues, his penchant for violence...no, he never laid a hand on me physically but destroyed so much within the perimeters surrounding me.

but it's the verbal threats that stick in my head...the one's he never acted on but this time, i dare not think he won't act on them, especially with THIS subject...my relationship with M...lesbians, homosexuality, queers, tranis, the gay community in general...and the fact that his son, more importantly, lives with M and i. not "our" son...HIS son. his son living with two lesbians...this is not good.

when my children were little, he always berated me that i was going to turn our son into a 'fag' because i was hugging and kissing him 'too much'...our son's nature isn't even close to being homosexual...he's happily straight but loves his mom and partner very much and has been supportive of our relationship and upcoming marriage...he's happy for his mom. he loves having M with us because we provide a happy and joyful environment for him...both my children have struggled with some of their own minor homophobic issues but have pushed them all aside for M and i because they see and know how happy we are together...they are happy for us...they remind me regularly that this is the first time, either of my them, have seen their mother truly and honestly happy and they love M because of who she is and how she treats them and, of course, me.

yet none of that matters to crazy man...i know how deep his hatred runs...the intensity of his homophobic thoughts and fears. his entire culture has the same thoughts and fears...and they've hurt people.

and not only because he's now discovered my secret but, to date, 9 yrs after the divorce, he still has issues and a deep-seeded hatred towards me for leaving him in the first place.

this, a man who will never admit he's done anything wrong or behaved inappropriately as a husband and father...even after both children have physically removed themselves from his residence to live either on their own or with me, and eventually, M.

why did fate put yesterday's scenario into such perilous hands?? my trying to hide this from him was futile...i fear now for both M and i...and for the children as well but not so much...i doubt he'd hurt them physically but my son will be berated and verbally bashed and probably to the point where he won't want to visit his father any further...but will that teach him a lesson?? no, sadly, it won't because, again, it won't be his fault in his own fucked up head. it's always someone else to blame, never him.

but how do i now protect my M?? will we now have to constantly look over our shoulders each and every day??

i hate this...i hate having to deal with this fucking fear he, once again, manages to instill in me. another way for him to control me. fuck, why can't he just leave me - Us - alone and let our lives go on. concentrate on his own life with his own new piece of ass that he seems to love so much???

i don't have any answers...yet.

what a bitch she is....

yes, that one there....in the photo above

it's that time of the month again

in more ways than one

pms + full moon + stress + frustrations = clusterfuck of emotions

it's been - for the most part of my life - not the most positive or happy relationship we share....the moon and i

in fact, it can be downright damaging.

and has in past years...that's why this monthly phase oftentimes worries me. the gravitational pull of this magnificently beautiful yet potentially evil satellite of our universe never ceases to amaze the negative effects it has on my life...and others.

in previous years, when my own personal pms wars were stronger and more radically intense than now, the combo of pms @ the same time as the full moon turned me into something even i didn't recognize and scared the crap right out of my kids.

my body shudders at the memories of those times and my completely irrational, downright fucking scary behaviour :-(

i'm not quite that bad anymore...thankfully. but it still has nasty effects on me...

emotional rationale fly out the proverbial window, my body goes into 24hr defense mode, i'm tense as hell, i can't sleep more than a couple of hours during the night...if i do wake for any reason forget going back to sleep, i cry at just about anything, i become argumentative as hell, and every little thing that normally doesn't bother me too much, turns into a full blown annoyance which sends me into sheer pissy mood and i feel like punching or kicking something - my need for fight and flight becomes my constant

and it's not just me...i see the change in others around me and i definitely see the change in the general population...holy shit

about 3 days prior to and then during the full phase of its existence, people in general become more fucked up than usual.

you see it in their eyes, you hear it in their irrational conversations and arguments with you on the phone or one-on-one, in-your-face disrespect and rudeness are their initial reactions, the % of road rage increases dramatically, auto-related accidents increase, and the list goes on.

9 out of 10 people i speak to can relay some story or incident for them related to the full moon.

that's so fucked up.

sometimes i feel like we are mere little chess pawns to be moved around at will by the universe we live in...that doesn't allow for a safe, comfortable feeling

then again, in today's world, when can we ever feel safe and comfortable?

i don't have a positive answer for that.

Toronto + Pet Owners = DISGUSTING

WARNING: DO NOT BE EATIN' WHILE READING THIS BLOG!

yes, dear folks...this IS Toronto...ok, in all fairness, a part of Toronto....the worst i've seen yet but the kicker is.....

it's in a white-collar, top-scale area where you practically pay 1 arm + 2 legs for a mere tiny shoebox in the sky. yes, and i, unfortunately, have chosen to live here since last spring. why???? you may ask....i don't really fucking know but i know i've not been happy in this cold, stark, unfriendly, homophobic, concrete-jungle environment. i could practically write a fucking book on the 'episodes' or incidences we've seen or dealt with since moving here and it hasn't been pretty.

so, now i have my amazing fiance live with my son and i since August of last year....She's now been dealing with the same shit....and SHIT is what i really do mean....We can't even walk Our dog B in a feces-free environment here....there is not 1 foot perimeter area that's free from dog shit....no, really...see what i mean....

add this shit to the vast list of reasons that we're moving the fuck out of here once school is finished.....