introduction to: good day? bad day?

thought i'd start a new kind of rambling (to follow this blog)...how each (or most) of my days go by. kind of like my own personal diary although not the best forum for privacy.

lately, each day has been more difficult than usual and i'm finding it harder to get through them - even though i have amazing people in my life like my wifey, my kids, my mom/stepdad...but they don't always see nor understand the turmoil, or as i prefer to call it, "clusterfuck", inside of me...in the words of a talented artist i guess "I Was Born This Way". i, personally, believe that i am too sensitive a nature to survive the harshness of this world and it scares the fuck out of me. i'll have periods of time where it (the clusterfuck) will just simmer below the surface and then, unexpectedly, come back with a vengeance i don't always understand...it throws me down into the depths of darkness like i'm in for the fight of my life. and on those days, i actually feel like i am.

like yesterday, the day before, today and the last several months...today i felt i just couldn't face the downtown Toronto life again as i found myself wiping tears that i couldn't seem to control. so i turned around and went back home before i reached work...i've been in self-defense mode for a few years now since i moved here, living in this cold, harsh and unfriendly city. it erodes a piece of me each day as i constantly have to stand my ground to assholes and idiots as they push, shove, scream, yell, step on you to get to where THEY need to go...yup, it's all about them in this place...no one else around them matters. i've tried being myself...nice, friendly, polite, looking out for the underdog...but it's gotten me nowhere and doesn't change anything nor anyone.

it doesn't matter what part of this city you live in...there's some kind of total loser, always, right next door. i've moved several times...like yearly now...and it's made no difference. wifey's moved several times...almost yearly...before we hooked up and found the same problem. we've now moved into a place together, a cute little home, and have a total asshole for a neighbor again...it makes NO difference...the percentages are over the top that you will end up with someone living above, underneath, beside, behind or across from you that makes your home life just that more unpleasant and stressful...it's no longer possible to expect peace and quiet after a long hard day at work.

i'm on stress alert 24/7...i'm stressed on the subway to work because there is always at least one rude or idiotic person to start the day off wrong , i'm stressed at work but probably still a place i'm the least stressed, i'm stressed on the subway/bus ride home because it's insanely crowded and LOUD all the time, i'm stressed at home because of the neighbors and the fucking screaming kids that goes on for hours...we can't sit outside, we can't sit in our living room...noise noise noise NOISE all the time...it NEVER stops...i can never relax anymore unless we are out of the city...like our jaunts to St. Jacob's farmer's market, our roaming K-W, our road trips to small towns around Ontario...

the option of moving is, sadly, not an option for now. i promised wifey no more moving right now...at least not for the summer. but even if we did move...would it make a difference? probably not 'cause we'll just end up with some other asshole causing problems.

i think wifey is right...it's not even about homophobia or personal dislike...it's a general self-centered, disrespectful attitude towards everyone and each other. Torontonians seem to have this fucked up attitude that they can do, live, talk, yell, party in any manner they want without any regard of how it affects those around them 'cause no one gives a shit about anyone...and to add to all of this bullshit, the city is now headed by an arrogant, homophobic, boorish nut case by the name of Rob Ford...oh wow...it's only going to get worse. briefly off topic: PRIDE will, again, get fucked over this year because now he too thinks he can dictate on who is allowed to be in the parade and who isn't.

i'm not naturally a mean, mouthy, nasty bitch but having to deal with this shit each and every day has turned me into the same kind of citizen of this city that i find repulsive and angry towards because that's the ONLY way to survive it. problem is, having to behave this way every day finally takes its toll and beats you down.

that's how i feel...beaten down and defeated. i feel like there is no escape from the madness and that's how my/our life will be, especially as i get closer to my own retirement years...difficult and stressful...as i try to survive through all the shit but i can't keep the defenses up 24/7...i need a break...i need nice and friendly, warm and compassionate...i need humans with heart and soul...the world needs more of those humans too

enough said

the 'real' truth...finally

on the heels of my Big Day...married now 3 days ;-)

i keep 'checking in' with Hollywood Farm Girl - Melissa's (Etheridge) now-ex.

hoping for a glimpse at the real truth...not Melissa's truth.

today, i see it on Tammy-Lynn's blog...and i nod my head to my wife...'i knew it' i say

M says "no surprise", Melissa's been known to be a player for most of her years in the music business...but, really, this is downright shitty and cowardly of her

don't get me wrong...she's an amazing musical talent, i love her music, and there's always blame on both sides when a relationship/marriage falls apart but, in this case, i think her timing sucks hugely in releasing her new album...she's cut her marital ties, left behind a mess for the other to clean up and take the brunt of the blame publicly - meanwhile, Melissa's out there again strumming her guitar strings like there's no fucking tomorrow without any regard for the wake of her destruction...wtf?

still a lover of her music, it has, however, left her appeal definitely tarnished to this fan

it's sad...

and so the fear returns...

what does one do when years and years of past fear come screaming back at you from a source you wish you'd never known???

thinking back on my life from day 1, i mostly remember the main emotion in my heart and soul

F E A R

fear from my father...a fear, however, that hasn't existed for many years...he's made his bed and whatever the rest of that statement is...i have no contact with him

fear from the 'sperm donor' i refuse to acknowledge, verbally, as my 'ex' but someone non-existent, because he came from a life that has no connection to me now, with exception of my wonderful kids...a life that was mostly not of my choosing but, rather, as many of you can relate, forced upon me despite my inner desires, wants, needs and known happiness.

as i tearfully try to explain my fears to my children who only know the surface of my hell with their other parental unit, i try to mentally convince myself that he wouldn't really do anything stupid because he'd certainly lose his kids...they've assured me they would never want anything to do with him again...

but as soon as i rationalize this into my head, the gut-wrenching fears come rushing back because i KNOW this man like no other yet i really don't know him, if that makes sense. i've experienced his instability, his hateful emotions from non-existent self-esteem issues, his penchant for violence...no, he never laid a hand on me physically but destroyed so much within the perimeters surrounding me.

but it's the verbal threats that stick in my head...the one's he never acted on but this time, i dare not think he won't act on them, especially with THIS subject...my relationship with M...lesbians, homosexuality, queers, tranis, the gay community in general...and the fact that his son, more importantly, lives with M and i. not "our" son...HIS son. his son living with two lesbians...this is not good.

when my children were little, he always berated me that i was going to turn our son into a 'fag' because i was hugging and kissing him 'too much'...our son's nature isn't even close to being homosexual...he's happily straight but loves his mom and partner very much and has been supportive of our relationship and upcoming marriage...he's happy for his mom. he loves having M with us because we provide a happy and joyful environment for him...both my children have struggled with some of their own minor homophobic issues but have pushed them all aside for M and i because they see and know how happy we are together...they are happy for us...they remind me regularly that this is the first time, either of my them, have seen their mother truly and honestly happy and they love M because of who she is and how she treats them and, of course, me.

yet none of that matters to crazy man...i know how deep his hatred runs...the intensity of his homophobic thoughts and fears. his entire culture has the same thoughts and fears...and they've hurt people.

and not only because he's now discovered my secret but, to date, 9 yrs after the divorce, he still has issues and a deep-seeded hatred towards me for leaving him in the first place.

this, a man who will never admit he's done anything wrong or behaved inappropriately as a husband and father...even after both children have physically removed themselves from his residence to live either on their own or with me, and eventually, M.

why did fate put yesterday's scenario into such perilous hands?? my trying to hide this from him was futile...i fear now for both M and i...and for the children as well but not so much...i doubt he'd hurt them physically but my son will be berated and verbally bashed and probably to the point where he won't want to visit his father any further...but will that teach him a lesson?? no, sadly, it won't because, again, it won't be his fault in his own fucked up head. it's always someone else to blame, never him.

but how do i now protect my M?? will we now have to constantly look over our shoulders each and every day??

i hate this...i hate having to deal with this fucking fear he, once again, manages to instill in me. another way for him to control me. fuck, why can't he just leave me - Us - alone and let our lives go on. concentrate on his own life with his own new piece of ass that he seems to love so much???

i don't have any answers...yet.

gee, thanks mom...

so, it’s official now….as of today

my parents (meaning my mom & stepdad) won’t be attending my wedding ceremony in May nor the family celebration in June. well, neither will my father but he wasn’t expected to be there anyhow – he’s so far removed from my life he has no clue about anything since 2004 at the least.

i’m not sure how i’m feeling but there is a blanket of sadness over me right now. i think it’s because now my mom, too, has made her final statement. yet, she’s been the ‘supportive’ one of the two when We announced our upcoming wedding plans – she’s the one i honestly thought would be there even if my stepdad wasn’t going to be. she had said to me that she supported me, as her daughter, no matter what decisions i made about my life….now, today, she turned around and told me that probably neither of them would be attending any of the celebrations because ‘you know we don’t agree with the marriage part of it and you know i’ve always been against women marrying women and men marrying men.”…uh, yeah, i guess i know that now – fuck.

oh….i guess i should clarify the fucking difference here (again)….both are “ok” with M and i living together, sleeping together, etc etc…both really like M and both are happy that i’m now happy…this, again, was reiterated to me on Sunday after they had an amazing time with us for dinner and again, today, in my telephone convo with my mom…they adore M and all that shit but they just can’t ‘accept’ She and i getting ‘married’….it’s ‘not right’ in their eyes….FUCK OFF!

as much as i love my mom, i WILL NOT bend to this sanctimonious bullshit.

i knew my mom had issues with gays from an early age…it’s not an orientation that was ‘approved’ of in Austria and still isn’t but also because her best friend made loving advances towards my mom when they were both in their earlier teens and my mom never really got over that…she actually ended their friendship when that happened.

so then she tells me that she (they) really want to meet M’s family but just not at either of the wedding celebrations.

keeping my cool and staying aloof to all this shit being spewed at me, i told her they could meet M’s family at the birthday/anniversary party that will be happening a few days after Our wedding…wow, this is such fucking nonsense…i’m going to be 50 yrs old and i still have this shit to deal with from parents.

i’ve decided this: if they (or whomever else) continues to have these bullshit issues with my getting married to the most wonderful woman in the world and living a happy gay life with Her, then fuck them all…no, really.

this is NOT about religion.

this is NOT about their beliefs.

this is NOT about what others perceive is right or wrong.

this is NOT about THEM!

this is simply about two people who love each other, want to spend the rest of their lives together with a little piece of fucking legal paper that gives them the ‘official’ spouse seal. and because – in Canada – WE CAN!

anyone who cannot deal with that is ‘xnayed out and will not be celebrating ANYTHING else in my life with me and that includes my upcoming 50^th birthday.

what a bitch she is....

yes, that one there....in the photo above

it's that time of the month again

in more ways than one

pms + full moon + stress + frustrations = clusterfuck of emotions

it's been - for the most part of my life - not the most positive or happy relationship we share....the moon and i

in fact, it can be downright damaging.

and has in past years...that's why this monthly phase oftentimes worries me. the gravitational pull of this magnificently beautiful yet potentially evil satellite of our universe never ceases to amaze the negative effects it has on my life...and others.

in previous years, when my own personal pms wars were stronger and more radically intense than now, the combo of pms @ the same time as the full moon turned me into something even i didn't recognize and scared the crap right out of my kids.

my body shudders at the memories of those times and my completely irrational, downright fucking scary behaviour :-(

i'm not quite that bad anymore...thankfully. but it still has nasty effects on me...

emotional rationale fly out the proverbial window, my body goes into 24hr defense mode, i'm tense as hell, i can't sleep more than a couple of hours during the night...if i do wake for any reason forget going back to sleep, i cry at just about anything, i become argumentative as hell, and every little thing that normally doesn't bother me too much, turns into a full blown annoyance which sends me into sheer pissy mood and i feel like punching or kicking something - my need for fight and flight becomes my constant

and it's not just me...i see the change in others around me and i definitely see the change in the general population...holy shit

about 3 days prior to and then during the full phase of its existence, people in general become more fucked up than usual.

you see it in their eyes, you hear it in their irrational conversations and arguments with you on the phone or one-on-one, in-your-face disrespect and rudeness are their initial reactions, the % of road rage increases dramatically, auto-related accidents increase, and the list goes on.

9 out of 10 people i speak to can relay some story or incident for them related to the full moon.

that's so fucked up.

sometimes i feel like we are mere little chess pawns to be moved around at will by the universe we live in...that doesn't allow for a safe, comfortable feeling

then again, in today's world, when can we ever feel safe and comfortable?

i don't have a positive answer for that.

a mother's role?

so, really, what IS a mother’s role in her children’s lives when she’s finally, after 20 yrs of depressive, abusive hell, been divorced for 9 yrs from the dead-weight cavity that spawned them???

honestly, W T F???

it took me such a long time to shed myself away from this bullshit life called a former marriage mistake….to distance myself from the nauseating drama from both him and his fucked up family – all of this before i had the courage to come out and be the true me.

it’s a miracle that i had these two great kids come out of such repulsive bullshit but i’m at the point now where i’m seriously going to lose it and i’m not sure what to do with all of this shit.

son: lives with me and partner in a good life now…he’s happy with us but visits the sperm donor (referred to as ‘sd’ for the balance of this blog) every second weekend, mostly to spend time with his sister and pet dog. comes back home usually frustrated and depressed, sick in his head & stomach from unhealthy eating options there and basically has no communication with his father because they share nothing in common.

daughter: lives with sd (again) – by choice – regardless of warnings from me and former-living-with-dad-red-flags. this arrangement is supposed to be beneficial for her as she saves money on outrageous rent fees, can accomplish her b.a.’s & degrees with her online university courses and will soon be getting a license to become a bankruptcy counsellor. benefits for pet dog are that he’s not left alone all day (grandmother is happy with his company) and he has a large backyard to run, piddle and poop in.

problem: both kids are stressed with sd’s fucked up behaviour, which they both knew i dealt with for 20 yrs prior to divorce. son would rather not say too much to his dad to avoid definite yelling & cursing blow up scene. daughter voices her opinions with no problems but is, also, trying to avoid definite yelling & cursing blow up scenes while still living there.

both unload on their stress & frustrations on me.

so, what do i do???

if i continue to listen to this shit about their loser father, it stresses and depresses me. if i don’t listen to it, i feel guilty about it like all hell and where, then, do my kids unload their stress about it?

my life is really good now…my life is where i’ve needed it to be for me even though it took ½ my life to find it….find Her.

i honestly don’t want nor need to hear all this fucking crap about a loser i had to put up with for 20 yrs – someone who literally pushed me to the edge of suicide and morose unhappiness, fear and loathing. i’m done with him and all his bullshit, especially since i divorced his sorry ass 9 yrs ago. but it kills me that he’s behaving in the same manner with his own kids and i can’t say fuck all about it. i’d LOVE to but it would only make things worse for my kids. and, really, he’s not my problem anymore…nor should he be.

i wonder then…..

am i being a bad mother if i don’t take on this unnecessary stress from them?

sanctimonious

i'm not even sure how to write about this right now....i'm still

angry

sad

upset

worried

dejected

disappointed

oh, yeah

disappointed for certain

what's causing this influx of emotions you might ask?

a phone call from my mom today...first thing this morning...good (not) start to my day

(btw....as i'm writing this it's so fitting that "Smalltown Boy" is playing on my i-Tunes...how ironic?? symoblic?? wtf?)

last week, i sent my mom a letter...just to her. a nice letter....a caring letter but also a to-the-point-letter about my upcoming wedding to my wonderful woman

i came out to both my mom and stepdad a few years back....they've had time. he's had time.

they've witnessed my last serious same-sex relationship....although i knew they both had their reservations about that one...well, so did i

regardless, it doesn't change the fact that i came out to them a few years back...yes, in my forties but still....better late than never

the attitude was kind of like "ok, we can accept you 'turning into a lesbian' but just don't rub it into our faces"....fair enough, that's not my game anyhow

i remained respectful yet as firm as possible about my orientation. i didn't bother them with my relationship, i didn't call them with tears and complaints, i didn't rub things into their faces

the letter to my mom was only because when i tried to converse with her on the subject of M and i getting married - this happy happy news i wanted to share with them - my mom presented a hush-hush face on the phone with me and clearly indicated that my stepfather still had issues with my orientation...HUGE issues...and that i was not to blurt out anything about anything until she and i had a chance to talk about things...alone.

the push was on to get this 'over with' before the upcoming Christmas holidays. so i chose my favourite way of communicating as it allowed me to convey my thoughts and feelings in a neutral environment....when i'm upset, i can go waaaaayyyy overboard and i didn't want that to happen in this case. yeah, i can be such an emotional twit but, thankfully, not too often.

mom called me the next day....fuck, Canada Post can be quick if they want to lol

she left me a v/mail but it took freakin' 2 days before i listened to it...call it instinct

when i heard her v/mail, to the average person it probably sounded ok, nothing major but to me, i just had this 'feeling'

and today i find out that 'feeling' was right

i stayed home from work again today as i, still, wasn't feeling up to par....good thing i did.

this would have been more difficult to deal with at work.

the long and short of it is this: Christmas will be partially fucked this year. this may just be the first Christmas Eve i won't be spending with them, after 27 years of faithfully having a wonderful Christmas Eve with them and, later, with my kids.

apparently, my stepdad is completely fine and accepting of M and i being together (i know they both really like her even when she was still only my friend); fine with us living together, getting a house together, sharing a bed together.....he's even admitted to the hugely positive change in me since being with M (as has my mom) and the positive change in my teenaged son as well. what he can't deal with....what he, so far, refuses to deal with?

M and i getting

married

in his Lutheran eyes, gays should never be allowed to get married. oh, but it's ok for us to fucking sleep together, share a home together, have children together, possibly be 'sinful' together but not get married.

but the real kick in the gut on this one is his words to my mom: "they're only getting married to shove it in our faces that they are gay - she's doing this on purpose because she wants to prove a point." W T F? mom thinks some homophobic friend of his put that in his stupid head. it doesn't matter if it's his own thoughts or someone else's....he's known me for 27 fucking years and it's insulting to think that he thinks of me that way.

holy shit.

explaining it to mom was no big deal....she knows, she understands and, as her daughter, she has no issues accepting me (and M) and what we want to do, how we want to live our life together.

i'm pissed because he's trying to shove his religious bullshit beliefs on me and M

this is NOT about religion

this is NOT about him

this is NOT about anything else but the fact that i have finally found true happiness with a partner that i want to spend my life with them in a legal way

fuck, i'll be 50 next year and others are still trying to pin all their shit on me to make me live within their expectations and ideals

fuck that shit.....i hid for over 40 years....it was difficult and risky coming out when i did...it is for anyone at any age

i'm not about to cancel my wedding plans nor crawl back into the closet for anyone's sake

he's not thinking clearly the domino affect this will have on what was once a very close family....the affect on my children, the affect on family visits but most of all, i'm more pissed that this is going to be real hard on my mom who's now been placed in the middle of this shit.

fuck.

Happy Fucking Christmas.

:-(

other enlightening reads ;-)

ramblings

lostmybrain

another stupid anti(?)-gay comment....

ps: i just noticed how i freakin' rambled on about shit on this one...oh well, deal with it ;-)

so, let's add to the already highly stupid or **'leotarded' shit that folks say to your face and often, unfortunately, not even realizing how insulting they're actually being.

i'm not known for being a hardcore misandrist for nothing because it's usually dudes that say stupid shit to us like today....

i'm at the mall, run into male co-worker i've known for years...grant you, yes, he knew me before i did the big coming out dance but, fuck....he should be more careful with his words as he apparently has several lesbian friends (one of which is a total stuck-up-too-good-for-anyone kind of dyke).

we're chatting about potential girls at work - other than me - who could possibly be of the lesbionic nature but just haven't had the kahunas, for one reason or another, to come out....as he then says to me, "yeah, my gaydor didn't even hone in on you because you don't give off that lesbian vibe."

W T F????

now some of you may wonder why this pisses me off so....and some of you who know me best know exactly why this pisses me off so.

add to my list of already fucking stupid shit people say:

"oh, but you don't look like a lesbian."
"don't even think you'll ever look butch with curves like that."
"forget ever looking like a butch until you cut off all your blonde curls...guys really go for hair like that."
"are you sure you're a lesbian or is this just some kind of new phase of yours?"
"it's ok to be lesbian now a days (as they whisper the word "lesbian")."
"oh, i guess you had no choice but to turn into a lesbian after such a horrible marriage."

more to add as they hit me.

F U C K!
(as she runs from the room screaming and pulling her curly-blonde-male-turn-on fucking hair!)

** a term used by Dan Savage, well-known Toronto/New York, etc gay columnist in place of retarded so as to avoid offending anyone who may possibly have a real mental health concern.

reality check

it's early....i'm on my way out soon to start my busy day
my bi-weekly day off.
i will be leaving in a bad state of mind.....

my heart races with uncontrollable fears

and a severly non-existent self-esteem

that feeling of worthlessness has bitten me in my ass again
and with more health issues that suddenly creeped into this aging cavity i call my body.

this morning i woke to a major fucking reality check
of my life
of me

my worries that this would happen to me

are now a reality

a heartfelt 'i'm sorry' to......
her
them
everyone
but i can't explain

i'm nowhere near being a happy girl

as much as i hate to say it, maybe my ex is right....

i only put bandages on the issues in my life

and i don't allow anyone near enough to make me happy

despite my knowing, SHE (ex) did not allow me to be happy near the end

so i had to escape

and now i want to escape again

i just want to stay in my room and cry
i just want to fade away
remain invisible

i so wish i could