same old treatment...one of many troubles with the dude-species

so...for 51+ years, i've been wondering...is it me??

is it them??

is there even an answer??

coming home on the subway - after a long day of training staff, i'm freakin' tired, going home later than my usual time. it's after 4 pm and the subway is insanely busy already...i have a long ride home and DO NOT feel like standing...

seeing a spot...tight but free nonetheless...i proceed to sit - middle seat on a 3-seater bench...

between 2 business dudes sitting on either end of bench with legs...

crossed, dude-style

come-the-fuck-on...

you see the subway is busy...you KNOW people are going to want to sit...if this was a stupid typical dude ploy to think no one would dare want to sit down in the middle just because you're too rude and arrogant to sit properly, you had not yet discovered the effects of...

me

seeing the one rare empty seat left, i headed straight for it, a curt and loud "excess me gentlemen" and down i sat...

of course, because of the way they were sitting, it was a tight squeeze and neither one clearly was not willing to make any room for me, i accidentally knocked dude #1's sunglasses out of his jacket pocket to which he tapped me on the shoulder and gestured with his hand the implorable mistake i had just made in knocking off his $300.00 sunglasses out of his Gucci suit pocket.

not giving a shit about it since they were blatantly rude to me from the start, i continued listening to my music and playing games on my phone at which point dude #1 gets up and moves over to stand in front of dude #2 to 'chat'.

being courteous that i usually am, i removed my headphones, looked at him and politely apologized for having knocked down his sunglasses.

of course, with the arrogance that i knew would follow, his condescending 'thank you' only infuriated me further at just having apologized to someone who was, from the beginning, rude and disrespectful to me.

after he thanked me, i looked at him and bluntly said, "oh you are very welcome yet you find it difficult to apologize to me for you and your friend's rude behaviour towards me in the first place? it doesn't take a genius to figure out that this subway car is crazy busy, you know someone is going to want to sit down yet you cannot even have the most basic common courtesy to make room for someone to sit?? that, sir, makes you both the assholes of the day...enjoy the rest of your day."

headphones back on.

2 stops later, dude #1 gets off the subway, dude #2 shortly follows...

yes, i stood my ground...again

and again

and again

like i have to each and every day

but some damage occurred in that transaction because it only brought back several decades of ill-treatment towards me from most of the men in my life since birth.

on the bus ride home it took a lot for me to 'rebuild' myself again before i saw wifey and Boy...each time a man decides to cut me to shit from the smallest action to downright calling me foul names in public, it takes a piece of me that is damn hard to put back together.

it's like i have to start over each time.

i'm so tired of having to start over...i'm so tired of so many digging away at my soul and thinking that's ok.

introduction to: good day? bad day?

thought i'd start a new kind of rambling (to follow this blog)...how each (or most) of my days go by. kind of like my own personal diary although not the best forum for privacy.

lately, each day has been more difficult than usual and i'm finding it harder to get through them - even though i have amazing people in my life like my wifey, my kids, my mom/stepdad...but they don't always see nor understand the turmoil, or as i prefer to call it, "clusterfuck", inside of me...in the words of a talented artist i guess "I Was Born This Way". i, personally, believe that i am too sensitive a nature to survive the harshness of this world and it scares the fuck out of me. i'll have periods of time where it (the clusterfuck) will just simmer below the surface and then, unexpectedly, come back with a vengeance i don't always understand...it throws me down into the depths of darkness like i'm in for the fight of my life. and on those days, i actually feel like i am.

like yesterday, the day before, today and the last several months...today i felt i just couldn't face the downtown Toronto life again as i found myself wiping tears that i couldn't seem to control. so i turned around and went back home before i reached work...i've been in self-defense mode for a few years now since i moved here, living in this cold, harsh and unfriendly city. it erodes a piece of me each day as i constantly have to stand my ground to assholes and idiots as they push, shove, scream, yell, step on you to get to where THEY need to go...yup, it's all about them in this place...no one else around them matters. i've tried being myself...nice, friendly, polite, looking out for the underdog...but it's gotten me nowhere and doesn't change anything nor anyone.

it doesn't matter what part of this city you live in...there's some kind of total loser, always, right next door. i've moved several times...like yearly now...and it's made no difference. wifey's moved several times...almost yearly...before we hooked up and found the same problem. we've now moved into a place together, a cute little home, and have a total asshole for a neighbor again...it makes NO difference...the percentages are over the top that you will end up with someone living above, underneath, beside, behind or across from you that makes your home life just that more unpleasant and stressful...it's no longer possible to expect peace and quiet after a long hard day at work.

i'm on stress alert 24/7...i'm stressed on the subway to work because there is always at least one rude or idiotic person to start the day off wrong , i'm stressed at work but probably still a place i'm the least stressed, i'm stressed on the subway/bus ride home because it's insanely crowded and LOUD all the time, i'm stressed at home because of the neighbors and the fucking screaming kids that goes on for hours...we can't sit outside, we can't sit in our living room...noise noise noise NOISE all the time...it NEVER stops...i can never relax anymore unless we are out of the city...like our jaunts to St. Jacob's farmer's market, our roaming K-W, our road trips to small towns around Ontario...

the option of moving is, sadly, not an option for now. i promised wifey no more moving right now...at least not for the summer. but even if we did move...would it make a difference? probably not 'cause we'll just end up with some other asshole causing problems.

i think wifey is right...it's not even about homophobia or personal dislike...it's a general self-centered, disrespectful attitude towards everyone and each other. Torontonians seem to have this fucked up attitude that they can do, live, talk, yell, party in any manner they want without any regard of how it affects those around them 'cause no one gives a shit about anyone...and to add to all of this bullshit, the city is now headed by an arrogant, homophobic, boorish nut case by the name of Rob Ford...oh wow...it's only going to get worse. briefly off topic: PRIDE will, again, get fucked over this year because now he too thinks he can dictate on who is allowed to be in the parade and who isn't.

i'm not naturally a mean, mouthy, nasty bitch but having to deal with this shit each and every day has turned me into the same kind of citizen of this city that i find repulsive and angry towards because that's the ONLY way to survive it. problem is, having to behave this way every day finally takes its toll and beats you down.

that's how i feel...beaten down and defeated. i feel like there is no escape from the madness and that's how my/our life will be, especially as i get closer to my own retirement years...difficult and stressful...as i try to survive through all the shit but i can't keep the defenses up 24/7...i need a break...i need nice and friendly, warm and compassionate...i need humans with heart and soul...the world needs more of those humans too

enough said

you call this a Happy Love day??

today definitely warrants a blog entitled something like “Happy Fucking Valentines Day”...hahaha (i’m not really laughing – actually, i feel like leaving and hiding in bed all day)...

today was anything but a romantic start to this supposedly special day for lovers all around...it doesn’t really help when...

1. i’m frantically worried for my wifey with symptoms in the past few days that too-scarily resemble about-to-explode-appendicitis but stubborn as the ram she is, won’t go see about it because, apparently, it’s nothing to worry about while i watch her limp around the room, moan in pain during the night and can barely get out of bed the next morning...yup, nothing to freakin’ worry about

2. getting stuck at the infamous Yonge/Bloor subway platform only to find out, suddenly, that our train, moving at a quick southbound pace to my WORK is now going to be making a northbound route AWAY from my employment destination with no explanation until AFTER it’s already too late as i’m frantically trying to find my way around in a subway station i’m not even remotely familiar with. TTC dudes, lets not rush TOO much to inform your passengers W T F is going on...no, that would be asking WAY too much of our infamous subway system in the big GTA of Toronto...after asking a thankfully informed passenger of what was happening, i finally found my way to the top of the street whereby i was supposed to find one of those amazing “shuttle buses” we sorry-ass-prisoners-to-the-transit in Toronto are supposed to rely on when things fuck up on the subway line – and nary a day goes by when they don’t. yes, welcome, subway passenger #1-million-and-endless to the quickly growing throng of miserable-already-pissed-off passengers waiting to push, step on and swing-a-violent-arm-at-ya passengers crowding onto one of those shuttle buses. i had to wait for bus #5? before i could get on...shockingly enough, i kept my temper in check...by this time, i was 30 minutes late for work and still had several blocks to ride before my stop. thankfully, i had a nice, friendly (oh so rare in TO) lady to chat with on the way down..again, contrary and not within my norm of the day as i usually have a strict rule of no talking in the morning...its headphones and music all the way – usually.

3. finally at work, it takes another 4 reboots to get my recently-replaced HD to boot up...wtf? not again! if they have to change this one, it will be my 6^th HD in the 3 yrs i’ve been in this particular position...this is what the govn’t calls their recycling program...let’s just keep giving the employees the shitty PC systems that break down – yes, of course...WAY better efficiency in that line of thinking.

4. so now that i can actually read my emails and my bosses v/mail on my phone actually makes sense, i now have to find the brainage material to respond to a job offer that i agreed to several months ago but am no longer interested in taking, especially since it’s only for 2 weeks rather than the 12 months they originally had in mind...honestly, it’s not even feasible to disrupt my current job and my Team/Unit for a lousy 2 week assignment in a position that’s only parallel to my current job now.

5. so now i’m looking forward to having my breakfast...what, 2 hrs after my usual time...boil the kettle, make the lovely toasted bagel w/cream cheese & jam...looking forward to my peaceful green tea experience...well, fuck, that ain’t going to happen today either as i watch hot water seeping out of the bottom of my cute little Asian tea pot, leaking all over the desk, the phone, the floor...holy shit, this day just keeps getting better...

stay tuned...it’s only 10:13 a.m.

let’s see what the rest of this bullshit day holds in store

the tears of men

when men cry, what does it mean?

for most men in the testosterone world, it shows weakness - the stupid adage that 'men shouldn't cry"...wtf is that all about? surprising at this next statement coming from me...but men are human, have emotions and weaknesses just like the mightier side of humanity, we amazing females ;-)

a few days have now passed since i originally wanted to write this blog and some of the raw emotions i felt that day have now passed but when i have a memory of the man i saw on the subway that day, i still feel a little tug at my heart

rocking out to my i-pod on the subway - this a necessity to drown out the irritating folk that are commonly found in a big city environment - i looked across from me. two dudes - each very different from the other - were seemingly enjoying a friendship banter. the one man was slight in body build and fairly well dressed in contrast to his much larger, hugely muscular buddy, more casually dressed in sports gear. my guess was they were both school staff, he a teacher, his friend a phys ed/football coach.

on a rare moment, i found the smaller dude kind of captivating as he appeared to be a gentle (rare), polite (even rarer), friendly person. his hands interested me as they reminded me of my dad's hands. not in the exact as my dad's but in the manner of their physical appearance. for some unknown odd reason, i found myself watching him. i couldn't hear what they were talking about but i knew it was of some intense subject due to their hand actions, nodding/shaking of heads. then i noticed...

his eyes were glossy, wet and red. he was quickly trying to wipe away tears falling from his eyes...

having seen that, this intense sadness washed over me without me knowing why...i just knew my heart hurt for whatever troubles he was clearly going through. i had this incredible urge to hug him because the pain that resonated from his eyes affected me immensely

every day i struggle to keep that humane side of me being witness to all the fucked up bullshit around me and i know this is a boring rendition of a minor event in every day life yet his immense sadness was a solid reminder for me to keep my compassion for humanity open

a sad yet simple reminder how others hurt just as much as i do

i officially HATE...

...BEJEWELED BLITZ on FB...fuck, i hate it. it's one of those games that makes you feel like a total inept 'tard 'cause you feel like you're just never good enough to beat the other bitches - what i mean by other bitches is the one's on my Baby's FB profile, neither of which i hold any warm feelings towards...oh, and one on my FB friends list who i only hold lukewarm comaraderie with - she ALWAYS seems to beat my ass every week :-( so the 'lukewarm' is swiftly turning to 'bitch cold' - blah.

someone PLEASE fucking tell me how these women get over 500,000 points EVERY fucking week??? the best i've ever done was about 450,000 and that was ONCE several months ago, never to be achieved again. i seem to, ineptly, average about 285,000 to 305,000 which, in itself, is not too shabby of a score but when you see others getting way beyond that, ya kind a wonder how the fuck they do it.

ok, enough said...i hate the fucking game...no big deal right? yeah, right.

%&$#ing game

and so the fear returns...

what does one do when years and years of past fear come screaming back at you from a source you wish you'd never known???

thinking back on my life from day 1, i mostly remember the main emotion in my heart and soul

F E A R

fear from my father...a fear, however, that hasn't existed for many years...he's made his bed and whatever the rest of that statement is...i have no contact with him

fear from the 'sperm donor' i refuse to acknowledge, verbally, as my 'ex' but someone non-existent, because he came from a life that has no connection to me now, with exception of my wonderful kids...a life that was mostly not of my choosing but, rather, as many of you can relate, forced upon me despite my inner desires, wants, needs and known happiness.

as i tearfully try to explain my fears to my children who only know the surface of my hell with their other parental unit, i try to mentally convince myself that he wouldn't really do anything stupid because he'd certainly lose his kids...they've assured me they would never want anything to do with him again...

but as soon as i rationalize this into my head, the gut-wrenching fears come rushing back because i KNOW this man like no other yet i really don't know him, if that makes sense. i've experienced his instability, his hateful emotions from non-existent self-esteem issues, his penchant for violence...no, he never laid a hand on me physically but destroyed so much within the perimeters surrounding me.

but it's the verbal threats that stick in my head...the one's he never acted on but this time, i dare not think he won't act on them, especially with THIS subject...my relationship with M...lesbians, homosexuality, queers, tranis, the gay community in general...and the fact that his son, more importantly, lives with M and i. not "our" son...HIS son. his son living with two lesbians...this is not good.

when my children were little, he always berated me that i was going to turn our son into a 'fag' because i was hugging and kissing him 'too much'...our son's nature isn't even close to being homosexual...he's happily straight but loves his mom and partner very much and has been supportive of our relationship and upcoming marriage...he's happy for his mom. he loves having M with us because we provide a happy and joyful environment for him...both my children have struggled with some of their own minor homophobic issues but have pushed them all aside for M and i because they see and know how happy we are together...they are happy for us...they remind me regularly that this is the first time, either of my them, have seen their mother truly and honestly happy and they love M because of who she is and how she treats them and, of course, me.

yet none of that matters to crazy man...i know how deep his hatred runs...the intensity of his homophobic thoughts and fears. his entire culture has the same thoughts and fears...and they've hurt people.

and not only because he's now discovered my secret but, to date, 9 yrs after the divorce, he still has issues and a deep-seeded hatred towards me for leaving him in the first place.

this, a man who will never admit he's done anything wrong or behaved inappropriately as a husband and father...even after both children have physically removed themselves from his residence to live either on their own or with me, and eventually, M.

why did fate put yesterday's scenario into such perilous hands?? my trying to hide this from him was futile...i fear now for both M and i...and for the children as well but not so much...i doubt he'd hurt them physically but my son will be berated and verbally bashed and probably to the point where he won't want to visit his father any further...but will that teach him a lesson?? no, sadly, it won't because, again, it won't be his fault in his own fucked up head. it's always someone else to blame, never him.

but how do i now protect my M?? will we now have to constantly look over our shoulders each and every day??

i hate this...i hate having to deal with this fucking fear he, once again, manages to instill in me. another way for him to control me. fuck, why can't he just leave me - Us - alone and let our lives go on. concentrate on his own life with his own new piece of ass that he seems to love so much???

i don't have any answers...yet.

the 'phallacy' of it all...

really, W T F??? i know, i know...i'm on such a 'hate-Toronto' kick these days...i'm sorry to those of you who love the big TO but since not having too many positive experiences with this stank city, i cannot honestly portray it in a positive way...although living so close to the lake/Harbourfront certainly has its pleasant advantages...

anyhow, i normally don't read the dude-geared newspapers like the Toronto Sun exactly because of that...all articles are written with such testosterone-fed wording it's, literally, sick-a-tating.

but today i wanted to read up on the latest tragedies of father/daughter dying in fire, OPP cop shot to death on highway near London, local cop in auto accident dying at the scene...but, of course, the FIRST article that hits me is not any of these stories, it's about the Moonlight Ladies - the 'older' version of the Sunshine Girls.

i'm not complaining about that by any means. i, myself, could easily qualify as a Moonlight Lady and no doubt there are many in the TO area that are hot, older women.

what pissed me off was the sexually-geared way the article was written. so i felt i just HAD to respond...

"Although I applaud Mr. Strobel's launching of the Moonlight Ladies, I'm disgusted with the sexually based comments made in this piece. examples: "Men across this fair land will long treasure the memory of Olympic curler Cheryl Bernard, 43, screaming “harder, harder!”

Honestly, why do we need to continue to implode society with sexual analogies of man-pleasuring goals...how insanely phallic has this society become??? Everywhere I go, I see phallicly-geared advertisements, posters, statues, art displays...it continues to baffle my head at how we continue to live in the dark ages of this man-owned society.

I'm already LMFAO at how dudes across Toronto will be ripping themselves a new anal hole at my comments. Calm down doggies."

ha! and further, when i checked back later, some dude made a lame comment about how i should just chill out and get a sense of humour...well, i just HAD to comment back on that as well at how i didn't expect any intelligent responses to my comment and that dude himself certainly didn't disappoint.

yeah, some days i'm not so nice.

a mother's role?

so, really, what IS a mother’s role in her children’s lives when she’s finally, after 20 yrs of depressive, abusive hell, been divorced for 9 yrs from the dead-weight cavity that spawned them???

honestly, W T F???

it took me such a long time to shed myself away from this bullshit life called a former marriage mistake….to distance myself from the nauseating drama from both him and his fucked up family – all of this before i had the courage to come out and be the true me.

it’s a miracle that i had these two great kids come out of such repulsive bullshit but i’m at the point now where i’m seriously going to lose it and i’m not sure what to do with all of this shit.

son: lives with me and partner in a good life now…he’s happy with us but visits the sperm donor (referred to as ‘sd’ for the balance of this blog) every second weekend, mostly to spend time with his sister and pet dog. comes back home usually frustrated and depressed, sick in his head & stomach from unhealthy eating options there and basically has no communication with his father because they share nothing in common.

daughter: lives with sd (again) – by choice – regardless of warnings from me and former-living-with-dad-red-flags. this arrangement is supposed to be beneficial for her as she saves money on outrageous rent fees, can accomplish her b.a.’s & degrees with her online university courses and will soon be getting a license to become a bankruptcy counsellor. benefits for pet dog are that he’s not left alone all day (grandmother is happy with his company) and he has a large backyard to run, piddle and poop in.

problem: both kids are stressed with sd’s fucked up behaviour, which they both knew i dealt with for 20 yrs prior to divorce. son would rather not say too much to his dad to avoid definite yelling & cursing blow up scene. daughter voices her opinions with no problems but is, also, trying to avoid definite yelling & cursing blow up scenes while still living there.

both unload on their stress & frustrations on me.

so, what do i do???

if i continue to listen to this shit about their loser father, it stresses and depresses me. if i don’t listen to it, i feel guilty about it like all hell and where, then, do my kids unload their stress about it?

my life is really good now…my life is where i’ve needed it to be for me even though it took ½ my life to find it….find Her.

i honestly don’t want nor need to hear all this fucking crap about a loser i had to put up with for 20 yrs – someone who literally pushed me to the edge of suicide and morose unhappiness, fear and loathing. i’m done with him and all his bullshit, especially since i divorced his sorry ass 9 yrs ago. but it kills me that he’s behaving in the same manner with his own kids and i can’t say fuck all about it. i’d LOVE to but it would only make things worse for my kids. and, really, he’s not my problem anymore…nor should he be.

i wonder then…..

am i being a bad mother if i don’t take on this unnecessary stress from them?

Toronto + Pet Owners = DISGUSTING

WARNING: DO NOT BE EATIN' WHILE READING THIS BLOG!

yes, dear folks...this IS Toronto...ok, in all fairness, a part of Toronto....the worst i've seen yet but the kicker is.....

it's in a white-collar, top-scale area where you practically pay 1 arm + 2 legs for a mere tiny shoebox in the sky. yes, and i, unfortunately, have chosen to live here since last spring. why???? you may ask....i don't really fucking know but i know i've not been happy in this cold, stark, unfriendly, homophobic, concrete-jungle environment. i could practically write a fucking book on the 'episodes' or incidences we've seen or dealt with since moving here and it hasn't been pretty.

so, now i have my amazing fiance live with my son and i since August of last year....She's now been dealing with the same shit....and SHIT is what i really do mean....We can't even walk Our dog B in a feces-free environment here....there is not 1 foot perimeter area that's free from dog shit....no, really...see what i mean....

add this shit to the vast list of reasons that we're moving the fuck out of here once school is finished.....

10 Navy Wharf - my 'home'...NOT!

so, maybe this is a small way of revenging on the total fucking bullshit we've (and now my partner since August as well) had to deal with since May of this year.

yeah, folks...i move from horrible shithole (previous old blog profile) to this fancy shmancy 46 (or 48?) FL condo building by Concord CityPlace Corp.

you'd think, paying $1500.00 smacks/month for a small 1 bdrm w/den condo would encourage some decent living, right? are ya fucking kidding me??

it was 'so great' for about 2 weeks after moving in. finally had a nice place to live after having lived through utter fucking hell in the shithole on 26 Heman St....holy shit, talk about white trash redneck fuckers and a psychotically imbalanced property manager/owner (fucking cunt whose name i can't even say without wanting to hurl my guts out)....too fucked up a story to get into again...just happy that one's over!
(at this point, i'd like to apologize for my ornery cursing but, honestly, there's only so much a person can take from a fucked up society until they finally burst - i see how people can actually go 'postal'!)

but now i (actually, we) can't wait to move the fuck out of here either...fuck, i'm pissed that i HAVE to move again!
as i was saying...it was nice, friendly, PEACEFUL for about 2 weeks after and then things changed......

drastically

and have been hell ever since

envision living under a freaking bowling alley...you know, bowling balls being thrown onto the floor and rolling down the lane, crashing into the pins....or
have you ever heard a huge dump truck drive over a really bumpy road with huge potholes while you're standing right beside it??? do you know the noise i'm trying to convey here????

yes, dear people....this is the fucking shit we HAVE to live with day in and day out from the assholes living above us. at any time of the day or night...seriously.

and what does the so-called decent property management tell me???? "i'm sorry, we can't just go and ask them to stop making those noises until we have proof that it is the tenant above you." W T F???

i've lived in shitholes that have done a better job with noise investigation than this place! (with exception of the last shithole, of course)

so they tell me these are the things i have to do before they take action:

1. i have to PROVE that the noise is coming from the unit above by recording it

oh, i'm sorry....do you just assume that because i pay that much rent a month i have the fucking money to rent or purchase
some high tech recording equipment???? we have tried recording it with a video cam on the highest sound setting possible
but it's not picked up enough to play back the intensity and volume level of this bullshit

2. i have to call the Toronto police department (told to me by the owners of the unit upon advice from their asshole lawyer)
oh, really??? have YOU ever dealt with the Toronto police who tell me they have far worse situations to deal with
and that it's not their job but that i should refer my complaint to the property management???? um, dude, i've already
done that, duh!

3. i have to have one of their security dudes come and 'hear' the noises...yeah, ok....since the noises are RANDOM and occur
at ANYTIME of the day or night, only last about 1 minute or so, that's really going to be easy to 'listen to'...how about i have
one of your security dudes just fucking hang out in our condo unit for 1/2 a day or more??? maybe they can stay for dinner
or better yet, fuck, have breakfast with us so you can 'hear' this shit when it wakes us up @ 5:00 a.m. on a fucking
Sunday or 1:30 a.m. on a Thursday night.....fuck

so, i write them a final email last week that i HAVE done the things they've asked me to do and that the situation has only become worse and that i want them to look into the matter....i sent the email to their ditzy secretary with a copy to the supposed "good guy" manager...i get a 'polite' call from said dude who leaves voicemail for me....not having a chance to call back immediately, i call a couple of days later and leave a personal message with said secretary and follow up with an email to both of them ensuring that he knows i left him a message...um, that was, what? over 1 week ago...i STILL haven't heard back from him or anyone else....status: noise continues on a daily and night basis and, oh yeah, let's throw in some fucking loud hammering AFTER cut-off time of 8:00 p.m.!

yup, what a fucking treasure this place has been...i can't wait for our lease to be up in a few months but the thought, the hard work and the freaking expense of having to move AGAIN is so frustrating.

and let's not even venture to the GENRE of individuals that live in this area....Toronto a nice city??? are ya fucking kidding me???? its reputation for being a cold, harsh and unfriendly city is TRUE.

i've never seen so many selfish, snot-nosed, cold, unfriendly bunch of losers combined in one area until now....i know Toronto has its pockets of good and bad but down in this area, the 'financial district' sucks shit, especially if you are GAY!

the damage done in and around this building is atrocious (like some loser dropping a pumpkin from a high balcony onto the children's daycare playground and then leaving pumpkin seeds all over the elevator floor after notices were posted or ripping the underground sprinkler pipes out of the ground in the gardens and the list goes on.....wtf???) and this by people who are white-collar, earn more money than i can dream of....just drive through our parking garage....the largest collection of Audi's, BMW's, Mercedes Benz, Hummer's, etc that i've ever laid my eyes on....so you know rich folks live here in droves yet they don't know how to be kind, social or polite even in the simplest terms....how many times have i or my partner dodged a crazy-ass driver in the garage???? they don't even know what TWO LANES means as they stand their selfish-ass selves in the middle and expect everyone else to go around them...well, fuck you.

so, dear lovely people, save yourself a lot of grief and expense and don't move to this area unless that's how you really want to live....if you are a caring, warm, compassionate, respectful individual, this is not the area for you

fuck, i can't wait to leave the downtown core

another stupid anti(?)-gay comment....

ps: i just noticed how i freakin' rambled on about shit on this one...oh well, deal with it ;-)

so, let's add to the already highly stupid or **'leotarded' shit that folks say to your face and often, unfortunately, not even realizing how insulting they're actually being.

i'm not known for being a hardcore misandrist for nothing because it's usually dudes that say stupid shit to us like today....

i'm at the mall, run into male co-worker i've known for years...grant you, yes, he knew me before i did the big coming out dance but, fuck....he should be more careful with his words as he apparently has several lesbian friends (one of which is a total stuck-up-too-good-for-anyone kind of dyke).

we're chatting about potential girls at work - other than me - who could possibly be of the lesbionic nature but just haven't had the kahunas, for one reason or another, to come out....as he then says to me, "yeah, my gaydor didn't even hone in on you because you don't give off that lesbian vibe."

W T F????

now some of you may wonder why this pisses me off so....and some of you who know me best know exactly why this pisses me off so.

add to my list of already fucking stupid shit people say:

"oh, but you don't look like a lesbian."
"don't even think you'll ever look butch with curves like that."
"forget ever looking like a butch until you cut off all your blonde curls...guys really go for hair like that."
"are you sure you're a lesbian or is this just some kind of new phase of yours?"
"it's ok to be lesbian now a days (as they whisper the word "lesbian")."
"oh, i guess you had no choice but to turn into a lesbian after such a horrible marriage."

more to add as they hit me.

F U C K!
(as she runs from the room screaming and pulling her curly-blonde-male-turn-on fucking hair!)

** a term used by Dan Savage, well-known Toronto/New York, etc gay columnist in place of retarded so as to avoid offending anyone who may possibly have a real mental health concern.

P.R.I.D.E. NOT a political statement

so, here i am, shooting my mouth off the other day when i blogged about how great my workplace was, how supportive staff were blah blah blah...fuck

i was asked today to take the P.R.I.D.E. decorations down that i had so lovingly and proudly displayed around my workstation the past almost 2 weeks

by management....not my own manager...but her's

and

the legal department did their own little fucking bullshit which i'll get to in a moment....

so, sadly, down came....

the PRIDE flag my friend T brought me back from Winners
my "CAN'T STOP, WON'T STOP" poster i mirrored from PRIDE Toronto's website
the P.R.I.D.E. acronym proudly displayed with accompanying words to suit
i was even able to find hilighters with ALL the P.R.I.D.E. colours to colour everything with

the reason?
well, our so-intelligent dept decided to hire an evangelically based 'person' who, without getting too detailed to cover my ass, is involved with work that deals with many many many gay folk for specific reasons....sorry, that's all i can say

anyhow, there was a freakin' uproar amongst all us gays at work when 'person' was hired on....so, apaprently, their keeping a close eye

BUT

to keep things 'neutral' in the office, so i was told, we are not allowed to put up any posters, decorations, etc etc that "could" be construed as political

AND

they, apparently, wanted to minimize any possible opening for this 'person' to start displaying their own stuff around their work area.

a resounding

WHAT THE FUCK?????

ok, i don't know about you all, but since when is celebrating and decorating for P.R.I.D.E. a fucking political event???????

and, as expected, my manager fought tooth and nail to try and get these assholes to understand that ALL of Toronto is celebrating P.R.I.D.E., ALL employees like to celebrate P.R.I.D.E.
it's a fucking human right to be allowed to celebrate
she went on to explain that it's no different than celebrating Christmas, Jewish holidays, Easter, Cabana, Mardi Gras....but to no avail

these assholes have fucking blinders on so tight, i swear the shit is going to start coming out of their eyes.

so, to further add insult to injury, i am ALSO no longer allowed to have my work pass flipped to the side where, remember, my IT Systems guy colour-printed my Lesbian Symbol PRIDE flag?




yeah, apparently, i was seen in the elevator by one of the legal losers who had a little brain red flagging occur that "it COULD be viewed as a political statement"

again

WHAT THE FUCK??????

sure, i could make a real stink about it....i could stand up for my humanity given human rights and trample on them all

but

1. as vocal as i am, i DO NOT like the limelight, ever, placed on me or being centered out
2. i'm in a position in that department where i am very well known, respected for my skills, knowledge, and all that shit....and, up to now, have been completely respected for who i am, the person i am - i cannot afford to lose my positive reputation and edge with upper management
3. if i fight this thing, do i want to make the work environment negative for the rest of the gays working there??

yet, for some reason, the more i think about it, the angrier i am getting

all this because they were stupid enough to hire some freakin' bible-thumping, evangelical homophobe.

this shit really needs to STOP!