i'm not even sure how to write about this right now....i'm still
angry
sad
upset
worried
dejected
disappointed
oh, yeah
disappointed for certain
what's causing this influx of emotions you might ask?
a phone call from my mom today...first thing this morning...good (not) start to my day
(btw....as i'm writing this it's so fitting that "Smalltown Boy" is playing on my i-Tunes...how ironic?? symoblic?? wtf?)
last week, i sent my mom a letter...just to her. a nice letter....a caring letter but also a to-the-point-letter about my upcoming wedding to my wonderful woman
i came out to both my mom and stepdad a few years back....they've had time. he's had time.
they've witnessed my last serious same-sex relationship....although i knew they both had their reservations about that one...well, so did i
regardless, it doesn't change the fact that i came out to them a few years back...yes, in my forties but still....better late than never
the attitude was kind of like "ok, we can accept you 'turning into a lesbian' but just don't rub it into our faces"....fair enough, that's not my game anyhow
i remained respectful yet as firm as possible about my orientation. i didn't bother them with my relationship, i didn't call them with tears and complaints, i didn't rub things into their faces
the letter to my mom was only because when i tried to converse with her on the subject of M and i getting married - this happy happy news i wanted to share with them - my mom presented a hush-hush face on the phone with me and clearly indicated that my stepfather still had issues with my orientation...HUGE issues...and that i was not to blurt out anything about anything until she and i had a chance to talk about things...alone.
the push was on to get this 'over with' before the upcoming Christmas holidays. so i chose my favourite way of communicating as it allowed me to convey my thoughts and feelings in a neutral environment....when i'm upset, i can go waaaaayyyy overboard and i didn't want that to happen in this case. yeah, i can be such an emotional twit but, thankfully, not too often.
mom called me the next day....fuck, Canada Post can be quick if they want to lol
she left me a v/mail but it took freakin' 2 days before i listened to it...call it instinct
when i heard her v/mail, to the average person it probably sounded ok, nothing major but to me, i just had this 'feeling'
and today i find out that 'feeling' was right
i stayed home from work again today as i, still, wasn't feeling up to par....good thing i did.
this would have been more difficult to deal with at work.
the long and short of it is this: Christmas will be partially fucked this year. this may just be the first Christmas Eve i won't be spending with them, after 27 years of faithfully having a wonderful Christmas Eve with them and, later, with my kids.
apparently, my stepdad is completely fine and accepting of M and i being together (i know they both really like her even when she was still only my friend); fine with us living together, getting a house together, sharing a bed together.....he's even admitted to the hugely positive change in me since being with M (as has my mom) and the positive change in my teenaged son as well. what he can't deal with....what he, so far, refuses to deal with?
M and i getting
married
in his Lutheran eyes, gays should never be allowed to get married. oh, but it's ok for us to fucking sleep together, share a home together, have children together, possibly be 'sinful' together but not get married.
but the real kick in the gut on this one is his words to my mom: "they're only getting married to shove it in our faces that they are gay - she's doing this on purpose because she wants to prove a point." W T F? mom thinks some homophobic friend of his put that in his stupid head. it doesn't matter if it's his own thoughts or someone else's....he's known me for 27 fucking years and it's insulting to think that he thinks of me that way.
holy shit.
explaining it to mom was no big deal....she knows, she understands and, as her daughter, she has no issues accepting me (and M) and what we want to do, how we want to live our life together.
i'm pissed because he's trying to shove his religious bullshit beliefs on me and M
this is NOT about religion
this is NOT about him
this is NOT about anything else but the fact that i have finally found true happiness with a partner that i want to spend my life with them in a legal way
fuck, i'll be 50 next year and others are still trying to pin all their shit on me to make me live within their expectations and ideals
fuck that shit.....i hid for over 40 years....it was difficult and risky coming out when i did...it is for anyone at any age
i'm not about to cancel my wedding plans nor crawl back into the closet for anyone's sake
he's not thinking clearly the domino affect this will have on what was once a very close family....the affect on my children, the affect on family visits but most of all, i'm more pissed that this is going to be real hard on my mom who's now been placed in the middle of this shit.
fuck.
Happy Fucking Christmas.
:-(
other enlightening reads ;-)
