random gripe & whine time...pay no attention

‘cause no one else does...

is it the weather?? freakin’ clouds & rain & snow...wtf is snow still doing here???
is it the month?? blah, March
is it the hormones?? blah, perimeno time
is it the asshole rude, cold people of this glorious city we’re doomed to live in??
is it life in general??

or is it just all of the above??

i’m feeling really...really...blue these days

more than just blue...i hate myself

there’s nothing i like about myself anymore

if this is the onset to menopause, fuck, it’s going to be a long nasty ride

honestly
my self-esteem is non-existent...

i feel stupid
and fat
and ugly

i snore now, too
enough that one of us, sometimes, has to sleep in the spare bedroom

my brain doesn’t work anymore
i can’t process a simple thought
never mind trying to pass any upcoming tests for work competitions

i’m having heart problems
hopefully only a simple arrhythmia
or is that ever a simple thing?

the nether regions have decided to do some nasty shit to me the last few months
huh, you can imagine what that does to our sex life :-(
never mind the toll it continues to have on my body

and then lets add a fallen bladder, onset of leg/foot swelling and old, grey, uber-short hair cut to that scenario
oh, wow, aren’t i just a fucking joy to be with

so...
when another dyke blatantly goes after my wife, repeatedly
or when long-standing friends continuously whine about growing my blonde curlies back
or when a simple task such as looking into the mirror and feeling disgust at the image back,
all kinds of ugly rear their heads inside of me
and further bashes the non-existing self-esteem

is it possible to go into a self-esteem credit balance???

gawd, if that’s the case, it’s going to take a long time to go from red to black

last year...it was a not-too-shabby year...

i turned 50, an age i wasn’t (until now) afraid of
i got married to the most amazing fucking woman in the world
we got our first house together
we formed a nuclear new family together, including “Boy” and “Dog”
and, overall, i felt fairly ok healthwise

and then it all just fell to shit
for me, anyhow

i’ll be 51 this year – a year i’m not happy about so far
i’m still married to the most amazing fucking woman in the world
love our house, hate our asshole neighbors who don’t know what “respect” and “peace &
quiet” are as their little asshole rugrats run/jump/pound all freakin’ day
long!
our family is now sadly missing one of the nuclear...our “Dog”...rest peacefully, Beezie
Girl - xoxo
“Boy” really needs to get his life going...get a job, get a girlfriend, get away from PS3!
(i love him to no end, but, come-the-fuck-on...dude, it’s time!)
and
overall, i feel worse, physically-emotionally-mentally, than a piece of shit stuck on the bottom of a shoe

i thought a good, short hair style would help me feel better...yes, i love my cut but now i’ve got a great style on a stupid, fat, ugly body

wifey doesn’t understand why i say “NO photos on FB!”

i really have no right to bitch & whine like this
the outside perimeter of my life isn’t too fucking bad at all
especially with wifey by my side

it’s the inside perimeter i’m worried about
the inner turmoil and struggle to like myself again

my brainage is still intact enough to know that this comes from no one else but
me

i just don’t know how

where to grasp the resources from since there are no resources to grasp from

btw...as i’m eating my sinful side of chips with my salmon sammie...save yourself some $$ and do NOT buy Sun Chips, Farmhouse White Cheddar flavour...fuck yuck

Baby...

"Lucky"

It was a monday, when my lover told me,

"never pay the reaper with love only."

What could i say to you, except, "i love you."

And "i'd give my life for yours."

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.

The first time we made love, i... i wasn't sober.

(and you told me you loved me over and over!)

How could i ever love another, when i miss you every day...

Remember the time we made love in the roses?

(and you took my picture in all sorts of poses!)

How could i ever get over you, when i'd give my life for yours.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.

My dear, It's time to say i thank god for you.

I thank god for you in each and every single way.

And, i know... i know.. i know.. i know...

It's time to let you know. time to let you know.

Time to let you know. time to sit here and say...

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.

We are the lucky ones, dear...

addendum: Happy Love Day...

hmmm, not so much

it's now 6:16 p.m.

the day did not get any better

if i didn't know any better, i'd swear there's a full moon which would explain all the assholes everywhere today...

but, then, again, what's the excuse for all the other days?

but, at least my worry for #1 is gone now - wifey's aches/pains could be a simple explanation of a flu bug according to a coworker that has same symptoms....whew, ok, that's better

but...

means we need to cancel V.D. outing after work...not such a bad thing since we've been celebrating this Day since Friday ;-)

treated myself to an outing of lunch even though budget warrants NO eating out for a while...but, hey, fuck it...needed to do something to cheer myself up...so, had trusty yummy Japanese food...so tasty avocado-seafood salad & veggie/shrimp tempura to go...

came home, snuggied with wifey...more of that later too...and am trying to stay positive as i feel my own symptoms in the tum start gurgling away...

ah shit

but...

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ALL YOU LOVELIES

;-)

you call this a Happy Love day??

today definitely warrants a blog entitled something like “Happy Fucking Valentines Day”...hahaha (i’m not really laughing – actually, i feel like leaving and hiding in bed all day)...

today was anything but a romantic start to this supposedly special day for lovers all around...it doesn’t really help when...

1. i’m frantically worried for my wifey with symptoms in the past few days that too-scarily resemble about-to-explode-appendicitis but stubborn as the ram she is, won’t go see about it because, apparently, it’s nothing to worry about while i watch her limp around the room, moan in pain during the night and can barely get out of bed the next morning...yup, nothing to freakin’ worry about

2. getting stuck at the infamous Yonge/Bloor subway platform only to find out, suddenly, that our train, moving at a quick southbound pace to my WORK is now going to be making a northbound route AWAY from my employment destination with no explanation until AFTER it’s already too late as i’m frantically trying to find my way around in a subway station i’m not even remotely familiar with. TTC dudes, lets not rush TOO much to inform your passengers W T F is going on...no, that would be asking WAY too much of our infamous subway system in the big GTA of Toronto...after asking a thankfully informed passenger of what was happening, i finally found my way to the top of the street whereby i was supposed to find one of those amazing “shuttle buses” we sorry-ass-prisoners-to-the-transit in Toronto are supposed to rely on when things fuck up on the subway line – and nary a day goes by when they don’t. yes, welcome, subway passenger #1-million-and-endless to the quickly growing throng of miserable-already-pissed-off passengers waiting to push, step on and swing-a-violent-arm-at-ya passengers crowding onto one of those shuttle buses. i had to wait for bus #5? before i could get on...shockingly enough, i kept my temper in check...by this time, i was 30 minutes late for work and still had several blocks to ride before my stop. thankfully, i had a nice, friendly (oh so rare in TO) lady to chat with on the way down..again, contrary and not within my norm of the day as i usually have a strict rule of no talking in the morning...its headphones and music all the way – usually.

3. finally at work, it takes another 4 reboots to get my recently-replaced HD to boot up...wtf? not again! if they have to change this one, it will be my 6^th HD in the 3 yrs i’ve been in this particular position...this is what the govn’t calls their recycling program...let’s just keep giving the employees the shitty PC systems that break down – yes, of course...WAY better efficiency in that line of thinking.

4. so now that i can actually read my emails and my bosses v/mail on my phone actually makes sense, i now have to find the brainage material to respond to a job offer that i agreed to several months ago but am no longer interested in taking, especially since it’s only for 2 weeks rather than the 12 months they originally had in mind...honestly, it’s not even feasible to disrupt my current job and my Team/Unit for a lousy 2 week assignment in a position that’s only parallel to my current job now.

5. so now i’m looking forward to having my breakfast...what, 2 hrs after my usual time...boil the kettle, make the lovely toasted bagel w/cream cheese & jam...looking forward to my peaceful green tea experience...well, fuck, that ain’t going to happen today either as i watch hot water seeping out of the bottom of my cute little Asian tea pot, leaking all over the desk, the phone, the floor...holy shit, this day just keeps getting better...

stay tuned...it’s only 10:13 a.m.

let’s see what the rest of this bullshit day holds in store

inspired once again...

i’ve been refuelled, so to speak…a spark of life has been reignited inside of me thanks to a sexy, adorable yet fierce little spitfire that is one of my wifey’s employees…we, all 3 of us, and let’s not forget the Samster as well, sharing an insane passion for photography…the same passion that, over 2 yrs ago, my then-only-friend-now-wife discovered in me with her own amazing energies on a mere across-Canada visit ;-)

For anonymity’s sake i’ll refer to the little spitfire as ‘muffin tops’ or MT ;-)

MT sent me a link on FB about an unknown, untapped street photographer and her story…so far. there is, it seems, far more to discover of this incredibly talented, now deceased, woman.

to Vivian Maier…had you still lived, i would have happily flown to Chicago just to shake your hand and give you an immense hug of gratitude and respect. your photography has left me breathless with a passion to relaunch my own photographic pursuits that have, sadly, been too long lacking. (below, Vivian herself)

it’s exactly her style of photography that i want to hone my skills at. her and many others…of course, there’s the well known (and one of wifey’s favs), Diane Arbus. add to this impressiveness the likes of Harry Callahan, Garry Winogrand, Helen Levitt and wifey's latest awareness to me, Lana Slezic (sorry, can no do the required symbols for true cultural name) . wow *sigh*

not that my wifey doesn’t instil passion in me…but that’s in a different category ;-)

we’ve both been so insanely busy with every day life and it’s turmoils and annoyances that we’ve nary had a moment to share our much loved photography jaunts…did i REALLY say nary? i am getting old.

but the every day hassles of dealing with difficult people, every-fucking-where, is tiring me out and sending me into the blue zone of depression. some days, not even my gorgeous wifey can drag me out of the pits.

so, when i saw the FB share from MT and i started watching the video, a new spark took hold. i’m now on a frenzied knowledge hunt to absorb and learn all my wee middle-aged brain can absorb about this photographer…and others who share the same passion for street photography. i, hoping to be a mere drop in this pool of incredible talent.

hey wifey, we’s has some exploring to do…strap it on, baby, and let’s go!

below, some of my fav shots from Vivian and Harry:

Vivian...

Harry Callahan...