good day? bad day?

since today is seemingly a write-off as i decided to turn around and come back home and hide from the world rather than face the daily nasty grind of Toronto, i'll reflect back on yesterday as a start...

ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:

dude...i've been standing on this platform for almost 5 minutes now, waiting for the subway train...really, who the fuck are you to just shove your ugly ass in front of me out of nowhere and enter the subway car first??? you're rude and arrogant and now you proved yourself to be an asshole

NICE PERSON OF THE DAY (aside from my wifey and son):

Mariela...thank you for saying, with your Spanish accent, "when you mention about getting hot flashes it only means that you are hot-looking"

PEACEFUL MOMENT OF THE DAY:

falling asleep while the rain, soft thunder and lightning continue outside the open window

STRESSFUL MOMENT(s) OF THE DAY:

1. bus ride home...trying to get out of the fucking bus at my stop through throngs of people who just HAVE to block the exits

2. finally had enough noise stress from the screaming kids and barking dogs, loudly heard through CLOSED windows, to force me to hide in our bedroom upstairs

WORST MEMORY OF THE DAY:

the fishy stench from IT dude's lunch and his slamming the microwave door shut just above my head...fuck, he's such a loser

BEST MEMORY OF THE DAY:

the lasting feeling of my wife's soft, warm lips from her kiss when she drops me off at the station

introduction to: good day? bad day?

thought i'd start a new kind of rambling (to follow this blog)...how each (or most) of my days go by. kind of like my own personal diary although not the best forum for privacy.

lately, each day has been more difficult than usual and i'm finding it harder to get through them - even though i have amazing people in my life like my wifey, my kids, my mom/stepdad...but they don't always see nor understand the turmoil, or as i prefer to call it, "clusterfuck", inside of me...in the words of a talented artist i guess "I Was Born This Way". i, personally, believe that i am too sensitive a nature to survive the harshness of this world and it scares the fuck out of me. i'll have periods of time where it (the clusterfuck) will just simmer below the surface and then, unexpectedly, come back with a vengeance i don't always understand...it throws me down into the depths of darkness like i'm in for the fight of my life. and on those days, i actually feel like i am.

like yesterday, the day before, today and the last several months...today i felt i just couldn't face the downtown Toronto life again as i found myself wiping tears that i couldn't seem to control. so i turned around and went back home before i reached work...i've been in self-defense mode for a few years now since i moved here, living in this cold, harsh and unfriendly city. it erodes a piece of me each day as i constantly have to stand my ground to assholes and idiots as they push, shove, scream, yell, step on you to get to where THEY need to go...yup, it's all about them in this place...no one else around them matters. i've tried being myself...nice, friendly, polite, looking out for the underdog...but it's gotten me nowhere and doesn't change anything nor anyone.

it doesn't matter what part of this city you live in...there's some kind of total loser, always, right next door. i've moved several times...like yearly now...and it's made no difference. wifey's moved several times...almost yearly...before we hooked up and found the same problem. we've now moved into a place together, a cute little home, and have a total asshole for a neighbor again...it makes NO difference...the percentages are over the top that you will end up with someone living above, underneath, beside, behind or across from you that makes your home life just that more unpleasant and stressful...it's no longer possible to expect peace and quiet after a long hard day at work.

i'm on stress alert 24/7...i'm stressed on the subway to work because there is always at least one rude or idiotic person to start the day off wrong , i'm stressed at work but probably still a place i'm the least stressed, i'm stressed on the subway/bus ride home because it's insanely crowded and LOUD all the time, i'm stressed at home because of the neighbors and the fucking screaming kids that goes on for hours...we can't sit outside, we can't sit in our living room...noise noise noise NOISE all the time...it NEVER stops...i can never relax anymore unless we are out of the city...like our jaunts to St. Jacob's farmer's market, our roaming K-W, our road trips to small towns around Ontario...

the option of moving is, sadly, not an option for now. i promised wifey no more moving right now...at least not for the summer. but even if we did move...would it make a difference? probably not 'cause we'll just end up with some other asshole causing problems.

i think wifey is right...it's not even about homophobia or personal dislike...it's a general self-centered, disrespectful attitude towards everyone and each other. Torontonians seem to have this fucked up attitude that they can do, live, talk, yell, party in any manner they want without any regard of how it affects those around them 'cause no one gives a shit about anyone...and to add to all of this bullshit, the city is now headed by an arrogant, homophobic, boorish nut case by the name of Rob Ford...oh wow...it's only going to get worse. briefly off topic: PRIDE will, again, get fucked over this year because now he too thinks he can dictate on who is allowed to be in the parade and who isn't.

i'm not naturally a mean, mouthy, nasty bitch but having to deal with this shit each and every day has turned me into the same kind of citizen of this city that i find repulsive and angry towards because that's the ONLY way to survive it. problem is, having to behave this way every day finally takes its toll and beats you down.

that's how i feel...beaten down and defeated. i feel like there is no escape from the madness and that's how my/our life will be, especially as i get closer to my own retirement years...difficult and stressful...as i try to survive through all the shit but i can't keep the defenses up 24/7...i need a break...i need nice and friendly, warm and compassionate...i need humans with heart and soul...the world needs more of those humans too

enough said

a “wtf???” moment...

gawd, just freakin’ shoot me and put me out of this perimenopause b.s. misery!

this is insane...i am NO longer the person i used to be

it’s driving me crazy...

i’m now this blithering, sappy, wimpy thing

that cries at anything...everything

everything that’s said to me is taken on the defensive and sends me into cry-baby mode

kinda hard to maintain my hard-ass reputation these days when everything brings on the waterworks

poor Wifey...doesn’t know wtf to do with me these days...walking on eggshells ‘cause She never knows which of my U.S.ofTara personalities is going to come at Her

nobody warns you about this shit

oh, yeah, you hear stories but no one ever tells you how difficult the journey into the next phase of your life is actually going to be

and then there’s my mom...breezed through the whole damn shit with nothing but hot flashes

f*ck...really??

i see the ‘easy menopause’ skipped a freakin’ generation and hit me square in the female kahunas (#3).

so, ladies, if you haven’t already hit the messy phase of your life, take a deep breath and get ready to ride a tsunami wave of hell if your family genes are so predisposed...

and for those of you who haven’t or won’t experience this hell, fuckin’ hats off to ya! consider yourself one of the few lucky ones

random gripe & whine time...pay no attention

‘cause no one else does...

is it the weather?? freakin’ clouds & rain & snow...wtf is snow still doing here???
is it the month?? blah, March
is it the hormones?? blah, perimeno time
is it the asshole rude, cold people of this glorious city we’re doomed to live in??
is it life in general??

or is it just all of the above??

i’m feeling really...really...blue these days

more than just blue...i hate myself

there’s nothing i like about myself anymore

if this is the onset to menopause, fuck, it’s going to be a long nasty ride

honestly
my self-esteem is non-existent...

i feel stupid
and fat
and ugly

i snore now, too
enough that one of us, sometimes, has to sleep in the spare bedroom

my brain doesn’t work anymore
i can’t process a simple thought
never mind trying to pass any upcoming tests for work competitions

i’m having heart problems
hopefully only a simple arrhythmia
or is that ever a simple thing?

the nether regions have decided to do some nasty shit to me the last few months
huh, you can imagine what that does to our sex life :-(
never mind the toll it continues to have on my body

and then lets add a fallen bladder, onset of leg/foot swelling and old, grey, uber-short hair cut to that scenario
oh, wow, aren’t i just a fucking joy to be with

so...
when another dyke blatantly goes after my wife, repeatedly
or when long-standing friends continuously whine about growing my blonde curlies back
or when a simple task such as looking into the mirror and feeling disgust at the image back,
all kinds of ugly rear their heads inside of me
and further bashes the non-existing self-esteem

is it possible to go into a self-esteem credit balance???

gawd, if that’s the case, it’s going to take a long time to go from red to black

last year...it was a not-too-shabby year...

i turned 50, an age i wasn’t (until now) afraid of
i got married to the most amazing fucking woman in the world
we got our first house together
we formed a nuclear new family together, including “Boy” and “Dog”
and, overall, i felt fairly ok healthwise

and then it all just fell to shit
for me, anyhow

i’ll be 51 this year – a year i’m not happy about so far
i’m still married to the most amazing fucking woman in the world
love our house, hate our asshole neighbors who don’t know what “respect” and “peace &
quiet” are as their little asshole rugrats run/jump/pound all freakin’ day
long!
our family is now sadly missing one of the nuclear...our “Dog”...rest peacefully, Beezie
Girl - xoxo
“Boy” really needs to get his life going...get a job, get a girlfriend, get away from PS3!
(i love him to no end, but, come-the-fuck-on...dude, it’s time!)
and
overall, i feel worse, physically-emotionally-mentally, than a piece of shit stuck on the bottom of a shoe

i thought a good, short hair style would help me feel better...yes, i love my cut but now i’ve got a great style on a stupid, fat, ugly body

wifey doesn’t understand why i say “NO photos on FB!”

i really have no right to bitch & whine like this
the outside perimeter of my life isn’t too fucking bad at all
especially with wifey by my side

it’s the inside perimeter i’m worried about
the inner turmoil and struggle to like myself again

my brainage is still intact enough to know that this comes from no one else but
me

i just don’t know how

where to grasp the resources from since there are no resources to grasp from

btw...as i’m eating my sinful side of chips with my salmon sammie...save yourself some $$ and do NOT buy Sun Chips, Farmhouse White Cheddar flavour...fuck yuck

Baby...

"Lucky"

It was a monday, when my lover told me,

"never pay the reaper with love only."

What could i say to you, except, "i love you."

And "i'd give my life for yours."

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.

The first time we made love, i... i wasn't sober.

(and you told me you loved me over and over!)

How could i ever love another, when i miss you every day...

Remember the time we made love in the roses?

(and you took my picture in all sorts of poses!)

How could i ever get over you, when i'd give my life for yours.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.

My dear, It's time to say i thank god for you.

I thank god for you in each and every single way.

And, i know... i know.. i know.. i know...

It's time to let you know. time to let you know.

Time to let you know. time to sit here and say...

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.

We are the lucky ones, dear...